Saturday, March 30, 2013

Monday

I had a bad feeling all last week. Even though this experience is difficult Ive always been able to maintain my peace throughout it.Except for last week. I remember on two occasions trying to discern what the feeling was and finally I dared to shared it with Ferrill. "For the first time in my heart I feel as though im not sure well get this baby.I feel in my spirit somethings not right."

So I was not completely stunned when the agent called with the phrase every person going through this fears the most.Now at this point we were actually leaving our home in minutes to go meet her and the agent in town "Sharon I just need you to prepare yourself. Shes decided she doesn't want to place the baby.She plans to inform you at our meeting" I took a deep breath in that moment and checked my spirit. This was what that feeling was about, however my heart told me everything would be okay. She still wanted to meet.

The 7 mile drive there felt like slow motion as I prayed in the spirit the whole way.It didn't help that just that morning we had installed the car seat in the backseat.I just knew in my heart she was being deceived.I prayed many things but I mostly prayed for peace.If you're wondering if I was totally loosing it the answer is no.Not at all. It was actually a little freaky just how together I was. My mind was clear,my spirit confident and my emotions were totally together. A miracle in itself.

When she came in she was indeed different.She was not her friendly warm self but in fact very cold and distant. Ferrill would later tell me that the scripture that the Lord kept giving to him was Proverbs 21:1" In the Lords hand,the kings heart is a stream of water that the Lord channels towards all who love him.How much  more the hearts of men?" We acted as though everything was normal.We talked,we encouraged,we loved her.

Maybe 20minutes into it I watched as she leaned over to our agent and whispered into her ear. Moments later I got a text on my phone from the agent (sitting across from me) the texts was Shes changed her mind.She does want to give you the baby. And just like that we were back on course. It was like flipping a light switch.She became herself again and the conversation was growing deeper and deeper.We stayed for about 2 hours together.Her heart becoming more and more open.Towards the end she finally shared with us that she had every intention of telling us shed changed her mind.She said "One day I woke up and a voice told me I may never be able to have another child and that I must keep this one.But when I saw you peace just overcame me and I remembered why I was doing this to begin with." we talked openly for a very long time.Honestly it was the best visit weve probably ever had together.

I tell you this not to scare you but to give you a glimpse into the intensity weve been experiencing and to ask for your prayers.That day was so full of supernatural grace and peace that we breezed right through the storm. Then the next day when I woke up I felt like id been hit by a truck.My heart and soul needed a lot of rest to recover. During our visit we also found out the due date is actually closer than wed thought. In just 2 short weeks, not 4! .Im not at all interested in taking any woman's child from her.I wont fight over something that I don't believe is totally gods will. We're in an ongoing battle in the spirit.Its like being naked in a warm bed with a fluffy comforter pulled up to your ears and having Satan stand at the end and constantly tugging at it to take it from you.I fight very hard to keep the peace that is mine given to me by the Holy Spirit.I truly believe this child will be our son.And in the end what if hes not?...well,I'll bravely cross that bridge when I get there.In about 2 weeks we will all know the outcome.

 You know as difficult as its been I don't wish this time away. In the past nine months my heart and mind has been so tested. If anything I am thankful for this wonderful/awful experience.Surely my maturity,character and trust in God has grown an unmeasurable amount.Im sure in the upcoming months I will begin to forget all the work and labor that it took to get us here.Instead I hope to be filled with crazy love.

1 comment:

  1. My beautiful sister.... you are amazing and such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this. I am praying daily for you & Ray & I now at 1 am just took time to pray. You will get your miracle Sharon and your labor is much more than the normal labor at birth and that will make your "crazy love" much more stronger & greater then most mothers will ever know. Happy Easter to you and Ferrill we miss you. Rhonda

    ReplyDelete