Do I Surrender?

Have I ever told you that I love the apostle Paul? He is absolutely my favorite person in the bible besides Jesus. I have always prayed to be like Paul (I suppose that was silly.I should have spent time asking to be like Jesus lol) I just love his story. An "enemy" to Jesus and a murderer of his beloved believers.Then in a moment a radical salvation.He was told he would suffer greatly for the kingdom.He thought it would be better to die in many of his trials but knew the Lord saw no benefit to his death,but to his life. The Lord knows how much I admire John, so it was no surprise to me when he said that Johns greatest writings of Love were produced during his many imprisonments. He spent a total of about 5-6ish years in prisons that were in sewage beneath the streets of Rome, where he learned what love was. Mind blowing.

So Isaac was born Monday. Tuesday I died.Wednesday was a challenge but sweet,and today is beautiful.Let me explain. When I say I died Tuesday I mean all hope was lost. I realized and was told their is no plan. We were not called to visit.He was not placed. The end. And so I sat on the couch saying to myself "this just happened to us.The worst has happened.Every fear every great concern that the Lord himself comforted me in to get this far has happened." I had such a clear image of my condition. Satan himself had shot me with a shot gun filling me with hundreds of tiny holes.He then picked up a fist full of seeds of mistrust and threw them on me and then he picked up a hose and watered me down with confusion in hope that these seeds would take root and grow. And I turned and looked towards the Lord while being assaulted and I asked him.. how Lord can you save me from this? And I went to bed with a dead and hopeless heart,ready to post that it was all over,we had lost and I was planning my escape. Then I woke up Wednesday and I cant explain the moment that it happened or how,but the Lord shocked me and I had another clear image of my condition. Tuesday I went to bed dead, and all my friends and believers who were praying for us gave me mouth to mouth all through the night keeping breath in my lungs and my heart beating.YOU all sustained us by prayer until I awoke and in a moment God said"you will live and not die!" and I came to life again.  My hope even greater, my faith more alive than my flesh could keep up with.

Wednesday we were lathered in love and affection from all over the world.From Flowers and cards being sent from Chicago, to coffee being dropped off,words of support and encouragement flooded us from Kansas,Texas,New Life,The Carolina s,Missouri..... it was a downpour of people not allowing us to give up even when I would have chosen too. And so let me tell you about today.Thursday. Most of yesterday I would find myself saying over and over again "surrender" and I would speak this over the birth-mother.Well at about 2am this morning (I havent been sleeping well) I was in the living room enjoying the quietness when it occurred to me that perhaps the surrender was not for her,but for me. I was reminded of the storyin the bible of the two mothers pleading before the judge over who had rights to the baby.When the judge had a solution to split the baby into two pieces one woman agreed but the other surrendered for the life of the child. I said to the Lord "No i must fight for him!I cant give up!" But he said," surrendering is not giving up.Surrender is the highest form of trust." And so at 2 in the morning i kneeled before the Lord,and I surrendered back to him,his beloved son Isaac.I did not look to the other mother for help or comfort,nor the agency,I placed him in the judges hands and I submitted the outcome solely to the Lord.For his love and his intentions for Isaac's life are greater than mine.He alone will rule according to his perfect will and plan.

I then went to bed and although I hardly slept it was mostly due to the songs that my heart kept singing to the Lord. Great and mighty is he, for from you are all things,and to you are all things,you deserve the glory. I woke up with so much peace.Today is a victorious day. Not because we have seen the fruit of his promise but because im walking through it.Satan had truelly cornered me and God saved me.And the victory is that even if this doesnt end how we want it too, we have walked through it, and we were not over come.The Lord is writing inside of me a lesson about love, just like he did with Paul. If not for a son- then this is the pearl I have dived so deeply to find, and I am content.

So NO this battle is not over! At the end of the day bottom line is Isaac will either go into the states custody, or he can still be placed with us.They are both still in the hospital now working through all that.In the last moment God may still save the day, but I have surrendered to his perfect plan,and who am I to tell him what that is or how to play his last hand.Last Id like to say this, my dad text me this morning and said he was grieving for us and our loss. I do not want condolences, sympathy or im sorry's. We have not been overcome, for we will see the perfect plan of God in this situation. What that is,is just a mystery still. So praise God that we are alive! I can not only breath but I can smile and find comfort in him. For God will be the only judge of Isaac,but you better believe if he does come home with us tonight... their will be a celebration like nothing ive ever experienced!!!!!!!!!!!! So until this book is shut, the adventure goes on. I can feel the Lord even now smiling at his good work in me, and how the angels marvel at how we have never scene God,but yet we believe in him.

While I Have The Time

I just wanted to give you all who are holding your breath out there an encouraging update on our day. I woke up to a text from the girls mother at 7am saying they were at the hospital and would call me later.About 9:30am she called and said she almost called me yesterday to share something that the Lord had done for her personally. I dont know if ive shared with you or not that the girl lives with her mother,and although shes been very supportive,the last few weeks has been very emotional and troubling for her.I dont blame her.How difficult it must be to see your grandchild placed for adoption because your own child is not able..and neither is she. So ive tried not to push or be angry. These emotions of hers are all very real and understandable. I trust the Lord to help each of us maneuver through this. So this morning she calls almost in tears and says "I went to church yesterday and the preacher prayed about Abraham and Isaac and I heard the Lord say to me, Isaac needs his father, trust me and hang in there just a little longer." She said in her heart she knew this baby needed us,a father and mother to raise him in the ways of the Lord,and he silenced the concerns and fears in her heart!

 Today was  wonderful! Which may sound unusual considering our circumstances. We had a couple over that we disciple, Ferrill went to work and I cleaned house.My mind free as a bird.Today felt so easy. At one point I sat on the couch and thought "whoa God this is just so strange.I would have never thought id feel as good as I do." In my mind I had this image of being under this giant tent.This tent was intimidation and it grew bigger and bigger.... but then today God came along and kicked those 4 corners down and the tent crashed.And here I am.Not scared,not nervous.Thanks to many of your prayers.Actually as I was cleaning I was listening to some fun music and dancing and the dancing made me laugh, and the fact that I was laughing so hard made me cry (not like a melt down pitiful cry.But like a laughing in the midst of my circumstances is so bizarre and wonderful kind of cry)

Then I got another text around 6pm from the girls mother saying she was progressing really well and was "considering" letting us come to the hospital! Of course this is all good news. I dont know what to say guys. My heart is so confident that the Lord will be faithful. Im just praying for her heart to keep being softened and that the transition would be smooth and easy.

Please keep praying until we get through all this.Come on out baby Isaac!

You dont have to read this next part.Its for me for future reminders.
Dear Sharon, since belonging to the Lord means trials and stretching,that I may become more like Christ, surely you realize this situation will be only one of many in your life time.I hope to remember that it does no good to worry,for what good has worrying done? I hope you remember God only really needs your "yes" to embrace the adventure he has,for he already knows the plan and needs little if any help from you.   I hope you remember that every moment of your distress he comforted you in heart changing ways. Remember to just go one day at a time because when THE day finally comes God will lather you with the supernatural gifts of peace and grace. That the day youve dreaded the most can actually feel like the best.Cling to every word and promise spoken by him,for you will need all that he says to draw strength and encouragement from.Know that taking on the challenge he lays before you means an extra special nearness to him that will forever out way all the difficulty. Remember how bad your mind told you it would be.. and then how bad it wasn't. Sharon this IS the most adventurous life possible.This is the kind of life he intended you to have.

The End In Sight

Has it only been 9 days since I wrote!? seems like a long time ago. This adoption has been like a roller coaster. In the beginning I was my own biggest enemy. Trying to make the choice to ride or not .And then the looooooooong pull upwards with all the thoughts,fears, and emotions that go through your mind once you realize their is no going back.The past 2 months have been the pure emotion of the ride.The laughter,the tears. Pure adrenaline.And that 30 second ride that has  been my 9 months is almost over and I am reaching the part where you start to slow down and you try to decide if you loved it or hated it?

We still havent heard from or met again with the birth-mother. The past 9 days of knowing nothing have been a challenge to say the least.But from what ive been told,yesterday she called the agency and made them aware that she is being induced this Monday . It was no invitation to come.It was not to say she was placing the baby.It was just a phone call. But then again up until then she had made no contact with us or the agency,so I have to wonder,why call then? Your guess is as good as mine. So what'll happen next? Well, by Wed or Thursday the agency can call the hospital and see if she had the baby and was released OR when its time for her to be released she may call the agency and say she wants to place him.The agent would go to the hospital for her to sign the paperwork and then we would be called to come get the baby. Our son,Isaac.You know, I hadn't cried ONCE during all of this until just now.As I wrote "my son Isaac"... my eyes fill up with tears as my heart aches a little wondering if I will ever be able to call him that again. So many of you call and text and FB and I have to keep telling myself that we have the most amazing people around us who really care and love us.But to me it often feels like so many questions I do not have any answers for.I am just as blind as you in this. So in the mean time I wash bottles.I practice attaching my car seat to the stroller that intimidates me. I walk into his room every morning and look at all his lovely things.I pray and I wait.I keep hope alive.

I decided something though the other day.I took a day or two and felt bad for myself and then the Boston bombing happened.Immediately I was brought back to the real world and I just sat watching the news thankful that nothing "bad" had happened to me.Sure im in a tough vulnerable spot, but im ok. I thought about what id do if after all of this, this baby does not come home with us. I considered my brokenness.My justified anger and bitterness. And then I realized in the midst of all that I cannot control,that I could make my own choice.I have decided not to become those things.I have planted myself at the Lords feet and I look to him and declare his goodness never changes, and that I belong to him no matter what. Some days this posture feels uncomfortable, but most days it feel like home.
So my answer to the first paragraph is not that I hate roller-coasters, nor do I necessarily love them.But im happy I did it, and im relieved this one will soon be over. I hope to always be willing to ride again should the Lord tell me too,but this coaster doesn't stop for us until the Lord brings a life into our home.So if not this child,this time, then the next,or the next,or the next...

 So please pray for this sweet life with me however the Lord may lead you.Monday,Tuesday,Wednsday or Thursday may be one of the most challenging days weve had... or it may still become one of the greatest ever! I will let you know what happens, but please let us come to you.

Here we go...

Trials & Temptations

So much has happened since my last "Monday" post.I wish I could say everything's been great since then.Unfortunately it has not. (Ive been writing for about an hour now and have'nt liked any of what ive tried to say,so I erased it all feeling the need to just try to simplify a very very complex situation that without details would be very confusing) We realized after meeting with the birth-mother last time that we needed to meet more often.When we are together her mind is clear and peaceful,when she is away she is bombarded by lies and deception.We'll we've been kept from seeing her ever since then, and since that time satan has really had a hay day. This girl has become so confused,so manipulated,so scared,so deceived she cant even think straight.Satan has said everything and used anyone he could to dig such a giant hole between us and this mother/baby.

Maybe you're wondering,"well what if this isnt Gods will and its not your baby and etc..." Well this process has been about 1.5 years in the making.Being lead by the spirit we have prayed,journaled (recorded),seen miracles and provision happen.Every piece of evidence screams a resounding YES that this is absolutely the baby God has for us for a million reasons.So this is what I need YOU to do for me from this point on in this post.If you are reading out of curiosity or to be nosy then STOP. If you do not have faith to be in agreement with us then STOP.From this point on I don't need people to talk or feel bad for us...I need people to pray! If you cant or wont be doing that for us then I ask that you go on about your day.

So needless to say the past 3 days have been intense. I am so completely aware of the spiritual warfar that is taking place that I just pray all the time for HOURS at a time.What is wild is that during a time that should be so miserable and awful... I am experiencing such a supernatural peace and clarity! My mind is clear,my spirit strong,my emotions in check.Even now I do not wish this difficulty away because the nearness of God is so good it so easily overcomes any fear.

I went to the beach today to talk with the Lord and 3 hours later it may go down in my life as one of the most incredible times ive ever had with him.The things he said to me have become my greatest possessions,anchoring me in the eye of this ragging storm. I thought id leave you with just a few of my journal entries from today. You can decide for yourself what to think or pray. I wish so badly I didn't have to write about this difficulty were facing,but the need for prayer is so great.Then again did I actually think satan would go down without an epic battle?...NO! The greater the fight,the more glorious the victory.Hes not lazy I'll give him that,but neither am I and unlike him I don't forget the promises of God so easily.

In the flesh... things do not look good for this adoption at all. But my spirit tells me other wise.PLEASE pray for our situation however the Lord leads you.He could be born anytime now.


4/10/13 Laying here on the beach listening to the waves the Lord says "why does the sound of the waves not scare you? Do you not know that at any given moment they could easily sweep over you and take you away to your death? It doesn not scare you because you have learned that I control the edges of the ocean,and you have become familiar with the tides and their limitations.And so it is the same with the situation you are in now.You can chose to listen to the chaos surrounding you and become scared at satans threats, but just like the ocean he also is aware of his limitations.He roars like a lion but he is not one.He intimidates like the waves but he will not overcome you.Do not be afraid.

"As you hear the roaring and ragging against you, have peace. The 3 boys did not know the outcome of the fiery furnace,Paul did not know the outcome of his imprisonment.David did not know the outcome of his battles, but I gave each of them the measure of faith and peace needed to endure.And what has the outcomes taught you? I was faithful.I was good.I was glorified.I am the same as I was then.I have not changed.Take courage."