One thing I used to observe about many mothers was how consuming of a role it appeared to be.Sometimes it seemed sweet and sometimes scary to think of the thought of almost loosing ones self in this new identity of motherhood. You hear so often "your whole life will change. Nothing will EVER be the same. Good luck ever (sleeping, showering, going out) ever again!" I know many woman who say that their child is #1 and then themselves, and then their spouse, maybe vice versa if the guy is lucky. That never made since to me. So I braced myself for this tittle wave of motherhood that would consume every part of me... but it never came. Not at all like that at least. It surprised (not disappointed) me when days went on and I felt totally like the same person. Although I love and am committed to my daughter she has not overtaken who I am, and in that I am relieved. Weeks ago I was thinking about this and stood in the door way and without thought I said out loud while holding her "Jesus, you are still my first love." At this I felt a little like I was betraying what is normal, but also proud that my heart was not stolen from the one who has given me everything.
One thing I have found to be tricky about being a mom thus far are all the choices. Do I feed myself first or her? Do I nap while she naps or do house work (or more realistically do I watch Netflix)? Do I brave going to buy groceries or wait until another time? Do I go out of town or no? on and on motherhood appears to be a constant state of choices, but the one choice I hadnt figured out was this. Lord how do I spend time with you now?
I have such an awareness in myself that I need God to do this motherhood/wife/friend/daughter/sister thing well. But where is the time? The time ive spent reading my bible these past few months has been so little. Over and over again ill put Finley down for a nap and grab my bible, make a coffee and sit on my patio and I promise you the moment I settle in to spend intentional time with him she cries. This past time it happened was almost amusing and when I heard her wake up I looked up to the sky and said "Lord! surely you see my intentions.im so sorry but it doesn't look like today will work" This happens so often. I was listening to a friend of mine weeks ago who has 2 young kids say "my relationship with God used to be so good, real and tangible, but now... its as if I don't know who he is." We both stared at each other wondering how this kind of thing happens, and when/if it will happen to me?
I recently voiced my concern of all this to the Lord and was wowed by the simplicity of his answer. When I asked "Lord how do I take care of Finley and also go off to spend time with you?" his simple response was" I never intended for you to separate the two things. Don't put your daughter down and be with me... pick her up and be with me." surprisingly never once had I thought to do that. For my whole saved life its only ever been he and I. How beautiful of a thought it was to me to think I would be the one to introduce my daughter to Jesus as we spent time in his presence together. So lately when given the chance each day Finley and I lay in bed and I read the bible out loud and talk to the Lord about life.
Why am I saying all of this? I feel like I have friends falling from the Lord left and right and not because of sin really, but because life happened and although they may or may not attend church, are really involved and have what appears to be these wonderful lives, they aren't in love with the Lord like they once were. Instead of their light growing brighter I see it growing dimmer. And to be honest it scares me. I want to learn how to be present with him in this life while life is pulling on me from every direction. I write this because I wonder if you're like my friend with 2 kids who doesn't remember. The Lord is so patient. So in love with not what we have to offer but who we are. He chooses us even on the days we don't chose him. And although he would never guilt or shame you into himself, im sure he misses you.
"I know your deeds, your hard work and perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate evil, that you have tested those who claim to be something they are not and found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this one thing against you. You have forsaken your first love."