Something wonderful happened the other day. The college group had just found their places on the couch Wednesday night and Ferrill began to speak and share a few announcements and out of no where, without any introduction or small talk at all I hear the Lord say this beautiful thing to me. "Sharon, one day you're going to lay your head on my chest." ......
These words shattered my heart like a brick going through a window. I sat their amongst them all trying to blend in while tears streamed down my face. How wonderfully unexpected these words were to my heart. I let them roll around inside my mouth before I muttered them to myself "One day you get to lay your head on my chest." no no my spirit said, that isn't what he said. You're right, "one day ill let you lay your head on my chest." No, you're saying it wrong. I thought about this for a while. what was I getting wrong? The statement was simple "im going too" not, I GET TOO,or ILL LET you. To say either of these would imply that the pleasure would be all mine. But he didn't say that. He'd said "one day you're going too." The pleasure would be his as well as mine.
Its been weeks since he said that and my heart is still tender to this truth. A promise of one day and a glimpse into the future that is to come. But for some reason this statement goes beyond its obvious beauty. It makes my heart flutter in a way that I've been trying to understand, when today I think I was able to tie a string to perhaps why this is so profound to me. This idea of laying my head on his chest, looks like the picture of a father daughter relationship to me. I've been blessed to have parents still married and who love me, but my dad is not an affectionate father (I don't say any of this for even a shred of sympathy. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad, but this is how I saw it) you see my dad never hugged, or kissed or said I love you. My family is as unaffectionate as they come and yet I married into a VERY affectionate and close nit family. Affection has been something so uncomfortable to me that while dating Ferrill, one time he hugged me for what felt like forever,and when he drove away I cried because it felt so foreign to me, and I cried because I knew it shouldn't. The first several years of our marriage felt like a different world, full of cards, and meaningful texts and holidays full of sweet traditions. If I am ever warm to you in any way it is because Jesus has been warm to me and so has my husband and his beautiful family. I like the person their hugs have made me into.
I cant imagine what it would be like to rest my head on my heavenly father. I found myself dreaming today of what that might be like. I have found in his so much freedom. Freedom to rest, freedom to hope and dream, freedom to love and perhaps most importantly (to me personally) freedom to fail. Love,rest,hope.... these things all come freely but not necessarily easy for me to operate in, but failure, failure is easy to do. I think of all the times and areas I have failed in. Some personal and some public. I think of times and moments I failed in purity, in both the heart and in the flesh. I think of tasks never completed, promises never kept, and beautiful testimonies never shared. I think of my sins and how I will always be a sinner. But in his embrace their is freedom to fail. It was expected and accepted. He throws his blanket of mercy over us as we cozy up and I learn to become comfortable knowing that I will fail a lot in this life. He is truly the father of love. He is the father who responds appropriately in every situation, takes his time to teach what's needed to mature, and he is a father who gives the best gifts to his children. He is a father who sacrificed greatly out of love and kindness while I was behaving like a pig rolling around in mud. He calls his children to himself and his voice is full of peace and safety. One day, I will see him. My goal in this life is to make the transition from here to heaven as smooth as possible. What I mean by this is, sometimes i'll drive a long ways to get to my friends house and sometimes we talk on the phone the whole way until I get there and I hang up only when I get to the front step because we can actually talk in person now. I plan to make it like that. I believe that closeness is possible.
As this day comes to an end I feel... secure. As my body rests after another day of living in a world that tries to seduce me, I can lay my head down on my pillow and dream that its him, and how wonderful that day will be.
So where are we on the house thing you asked? well,a wild thing has happened only as of a few days ago. Our living arrangement now (here in our friends home) is full of ease and grace and fun if I dare say so. But the Lord is up to something that im not quit ready to share yet. But he is good, always faithful, and very impressive. Goodnight to you all dear friends. I hope to have a wonderful house story coming soon. xoxo