"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want." The beginning of Psalms 23
I found myself saying this most of 2014. We loaded up all our belongings into a 8x10 unit for what we thought would only be 6 weeks at the most. Yet we lived with dear friends of ours from March-Feb (11months) total. It was a sweet time and a fruitful one. I see that more clearly now. Grace was endless and my flesh protested often. Although his provision was abundant... it wasn't how I wanted it. Many times I felt forgotten. Overlooked by God. The more I thought he wasn't listening the more pitiful my cries were ( a childs tactic) "But God I NEED this.. I need that... don't you see? Don't you know this is difficult and challenging? Why? Why aren't you changing my circumstances? Why don't you give me the desires of my heart?"
As a woman in ministry (by this I mean Im around many different types of woman regularly, but particularly in the church) It saddens me to see so many woman in want. Life is this rat race of wanting and I watch as I see it consume many that I love. The mind goes unleashed and chases any new thing it lands its eyes on. Wanting.Wanting. Wanting always. It is the particular thing I dislike most about the flesh. Why. Why is it so hard to see truth sometimes?
About 7 weeks ago Ferrill, Finley and I FINALLY got a place to rent. Is it incredible, no. But Im beyond pleased with it. I unloaded out dusty unit only to realize just how little it seems we had. Everywhere I looked my eyes found (as yours do) empty places. Oh I need this new piece here, this color would be great here, oh these ceilings are much higher I need to hang something right there,,,,
I'm amazed at how I could have so little.... be given much... and immediately want so much more. This is the rat race Im talking about. I have this dear friend who to me has it all. This incredible house, the kids, the stuff, the cloths, the car, the job, the looks. In a photo its truly picturesque. But I know her. I know her lack of peace. Her many insecurities. Her endless hunger to always have more. Her mind is never resting.. never content. To find peace and contentment is worth more than gold. But it requires strength of the mind and will. "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want." meaning "The Lord takes care of me. I shall not have the desire to possess." It doesn't say The Lord is my shepherd I shall not take possession. It was "desire" to possess. Most of the things I desire to possess,trust me, I will never have... but the desire, that desire is there. And what I really truly need is to recognize the Lords goodness in my life and desire him most of all.
So on days like today when I see blank walls and empty places. or get frustrated that I've misplaced my box with all my swimsuits in it while looking out at my neighborhood pool. Or I think I cant find anything to wear that's "spring" enough. Or I have to take my husbands jeep to the shop again to be repaired and I long for a truly reliable vehicle for him... I often take a deeeeeeeeep breath and mutter "Lord you take such good care of us... let my heart only desire you." I think every time I do this I see truth more clearly. I see that my closet is full. My bathroom is bigger than anything we've ever had. I see I have several months left until pool season and im amazed at how many miles we've put on that old thing. I see and hear my daughter running down the hallway yelling "I'm free! I'm free!" and I say yes... yes darling we are indeed, as free as we choose to be. I remember how my soul yearned for her and I was not forgotten. I remember his joy given freely in the midst of many difficulties and I remember that this is the reality we live in...that our thoughts will rule over our lives in this world. "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want."
Finley brushed my hair today for the first time. She brushed it gently down my face, over and over again. Then she parted it in the center so she could see my eyes and she cupped my face with her tiny hands and kissed my lips (my heart is leaping even now).... These are truly Holy times in the Gallaway house... I cant allow myself to be robbed of them by wants when I am so clearly, obviously,the richest person I know. And my hope is that you wont either.