"You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted:
You encourage them, and you listen to their cry."
Well, you've probably figured out by now that no, their is no new and joyful news to be shared. I ended the year with a weary heavy heart, and eager for something new and fresh to begin.
I had a break down on Friday December 16th. It was already a tense time, as the holidays often are. Things with my mom were emotionally taxing, dear friendships just didn't seem right, and holiday plans weren't made because we were waiting to see what could happen. That, mixed in with about a dozen other things. I was out running an errand when the agent called," It wasn't a match." She said. And by "It" she really meant us. We weren't a match. We weren't the family someone had in mind for their child. Or at least that's how it felt.
I ended the call rather quickly and carried on with my task. Driving back home tears just started falling out of my eyeballs. I say that strangely because I wasn't crying. I felt nothing. Just wetness running down my face as I looked ahead with my hands on the steering wheel.I must have been in shock. I remember the day we got a call to come get our daughter, and when id hung up I just kept loading the dishwasher, almost in slow motion. I couldn't feel, I could only do and keep going, no doubt a trait from my father. This felt similar. Finally through all the tears I decided to pull over. "I'll just let my body have a quick detox, get these tears out and keep going. I'm fine. Everything will be fine." But the moment I pulled the thread all of me unraveled... And I spent the next 2 hours in a parking spot crying, (beating my previous record time), thinking surely this will help me feel better. But it didn't.
Lots of things happened between then and the New Year. Many sweet holiday moments and memories being made, my grandparents 67th wedding anniversary and a long conversation with my dad about my mom and our lives growing up, and how terribly proud of us he was. But in all that it was like I was empty. No new gifts or fat holiday meal could fill me. I felt a new emptiness. A new low. I needed a savior, and yet this was the season for celebrating that one had been born.
New Years Eve finally arrived and I laid motionless in my bed listening to fireworks. "God I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do." And as he faithfully does when all that's inside me sits still, he spoke. "I created you to receive. And you haven't received from me in quit some time." I thought about this for a while. Yes its true the holidays are like this for everyone. Giving of your time, giving of your money, giving of your emotions, its the season to give! But it was more than just that. I immediately remembered when we weren't matched with a baby in Nov. who is actually in this moment as I write you being born. I sat in a hot bath afterwards with my disappointment and I felt God wanting to be with me. In THAT moment he wanted to be with me, but I didn't want him there. I have this bad habit of thinking good, joy, celebration, victory equal God, and disappointment, sadness and grey storm clouds are not. I even remember him saying now that I'm really thinking back that I needed to let him be with me in the joy and in the sorrow... but I didn't. I always think I can do things myself.
So I listened to him counsel me in my bed that night, about Just how impossible it is to be the giver of something you arent receiving. "Receive my love" he would say over and over again. "Abide in me". A good father never tires of telling his children how amazing they are, and I suppose he needs to express it as much as I need to hear it. If you go back to the beginning you can see how we were created by him, for him, and that the thing we search for most our lives is not actually a thing, but a someone. I had such a need for a savior, but forgot one had already come, and here he was.
Nothing in my life is any different. Adoption stuff is in the air, friendships are still pending and my mom is still my mom. But just by listening to him and going along with him everything feels better. The day holds a freshness and I feel more gentle. I feel like I wont be rushed.....yes... that's the one (as I stair out my bedroom window with its moody evening light filtering through the blinds) It feels like He's taking me for a walk by still water, speaking to me and giving me his peace. Why does that sound familiar?
So anyway,I don't know how to end this. I often feel like everything I have to share is so heavy, so sad... but ya know... that is life sometimes, and in seasons that is life often. And that's okay.
Cheers to a New Year everyone!
May the Lord bless you, and keep you;
May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
May the Lord turn his face towards you and give you peace.