Monday

I had a bad feeling all last week. Even though this experience is difficult Ive always been able to maintain my peace throughout it.Except for last week. I remember on two occasions trying to discern what the feeling was and finally I dared to shared it with Ferrill. "For the first time in my heart I feel as though im not sure well get this baby.I feel in my spirit somethings not right."

So I was not completely stunned when the agent called with the phrase every person going through this fears the most.Now at this point we were actually leaving our home in minutes to go meet her and the agent in town "Sharon I just need you to prepare yourself. Shes decided she doesn't want to place the baby.She plans to inform you at our meeting" I took a deep breath in that moment and checked my spirit. This was what that feeling was about, however my heart told me everything would be okay. She still wanted to meet.

The 7 mile drive there felt like slow motion as I prayed in the spirit the whole way.It didn't help that just that morning we had installed the car seat in the backseat.I just knew in my heart she was being deceived.I prayed many things but I mostly prayed for peace.If you're wondering if I was totally loosing it the answer is no.Not at all. It was actually a little freaky just how together I was. My mind was clear,my spirit confident and my emotions were totally together. A miracle in itself.

When she came in she was indeed different.She was not her friendly warm self but in fact very cold and distant. Ferrill would later tell me that the scripture that the Lord kept giving to him was Proverbs 21:1" In the Lords hand,the kings heart is a stream of water that the Lord channels towards all who love him.How much  more the hearts of men?" We acted as though everything was normal.We talked,we encouraged,we loved her.

Maybe 20minutes into it I watched as she leaned over to our agent and whispered into her ear. Moments later I got a text on my phone from the agent (sitting across from me) the texts was Shes changed her mind.She does want to give you the baby. And just like that we were back on course. It was like flipping a light switch.She became herself again and the conversation was growing deeper and deeper.We stayed for about 2 hours together.Her heart becoming more and more open.Towards the end she finally shared with us that she had every intention of telling us shed changed her mind.She said "One day I woke up and a voice told me I may never be able to have another child and that I must keep this one.But when I saw you peace just overcame me and I remembered why I was doing this to begin with." we talked openly for a very long time.Honestly it was the best visit weve probably ever had together.

I tell you this not to scare you but to give you a glimpse into the intensity weve been experiencing and to ask for your prayers.That day was so full of supernatural grace and peace that we breezed right through the storm. Then the next day when I woke up I felt like id been hit by a truck.My heart and soul needed a lot of rest to recover. During our visit we also found out the due date is actually closer than wed thought. In just 2 short weeks, not 4! .Im not at all interested in taking any woman's child from her.I wont fight over something that I don't believe is totally gods will. We're in an ongoing battle in the spirit.Its like being naked in a warm bed with a fluffy comforter pulled up to your ears and having Satan stand at the end and constantly tugging at it to take it from you.I fight very hard to keep the peace that is mine given to me by the Holy Spirit.I truly believe this child will be our son.And in the end what if hes not?...well,I'll bravely cross that bridge when I get there.In about 2 weeks we will all know the outcome.

 You know as difficult as its been I don't wish this time away. In the past nine months my heart and mind has been so tested. If anything I am thankful for this wonderful/awful experience.Surely my maturity,character and trust in God has grown an unmeasurable amount.Im sure in the upcoming months I will begin to forget all the work and labor that it took to get us here.Instead I hope to be filled with crazy love.

Whats New?

Dear Friends,

I cant believe its been 3 weeks since I last wrote and we found out the gender. So much has happened between now and then. Part of me wishes I could share every detail of this adoption with you (the good,bad,ugly,scary) but for the privacy of the birth-mother and our sweet little family I choose not too. I often feel like my life,at least this part of it,has been like a movie.A romantic,comedy,suspense thriller! Everything is going as planned.We've actually been able to meet with her as well as our agent 2 times in the last week to discuss the future and the details of delivery/placement day. But nothing is ever easy and every week we draw closer has its unexpected twists. All I can really say is if you ever want to know what spiritual warfare looks like in the flesh,try to save a life by adopting a child. You have good and evil waring over who will get the soul of a person.Very soon I am confident we will reap the rewards for fighting the good fight of faith.

Weve raised about $3,200 more since I last wrote. which leaves us with ONLY about $5,500 left out of $23,000! (whoooooa-where did it all even come from?!)  Some people have asked how they can help so i'll give you some info at the bottom.

Just to refresh your minds the baby (boy) is due the very end of April. 7weeks away! It also just accured to me that I may not have mentioned that he is biracial.(did you just squeal a little? I did.) When we were praying our way through the paper work and got to the race/gender part we both just felt like we should leave it totally open.Our hearts and minds were ready for whatever the Lord had in mind-black,white,Asian,mixed,whatever-Love is Love & a life is a life. The birth-mother is Caucasian and African American herself, and the birth-father is African American.

This past weekend 30 of my dearest friends and my husbands parents got together and threw ferrill & I a beautiful shower! It was sweet and uncomplicated.I was nervous of what my emotions might be like that day. I didnt want to be emotional,i wanted to be able to relax,and I did. I let my sweet friends love and encourage me.At one time I looked around and thought,Lord I never imagined my first baby shower would be for a child im not even carrying,but im not at all dissapointed, Im actually kind of proud.My heart is learning to fully love someone I cannot see.This child will belong to my heart.I could not have asked more from the Lord than to not see him as any different than as our own.He has also exceeded in his goodness by giving me such peace and clarity as we maneuver  through these last few weeks.

My dearest friend Bekah,as well as her husband and 7month old is coming to visit this weekend! Seeing her brings a flood of memories to mind.She has been (thinking of the words to say-my eyes tearing up) She has helped carry my heart through this awful/wonderful year of my life.I love her.I can only hope that what we have sowed in tears together we will reap in joy with our small boys and discovery of mother hood.She is a brilliant photographer with an ever evolving soul. Im hoping she will snap some pics of the nursery when shes here to show you soon. www.tirzahphotography.com

Is their anything else i'd like to say?( I feel as though I have such a short window left of having your attention and interest before I fade away.) I dont believe I have anything to add this time.I am doing well.Working hard to remain anchored until all is truelly "said and done." The Lord has been so lovely to me in ways I cannot articulate right now.His way is excellent.I feel my heart is at its healthiest,and all is well with my soul.

Thank you for checking in on us.If you want  to help us with any remaining funds you can go to www.nlcf.org and click on "giving" follow the instructions and at the very bottom under designated giving" type "ministerial adoption fund"-it will then go directly to our adoption account. If you'd rather mail a check you can send it to the church address,made out to NLCF with ministerial adoption fund in the memo.

Much love to all of you,
Sharon