About a week ago Ferrill calls me from the office "I don't really know how to put this so im just gonna come out and say it. Our landlord would like us to move out by April 1st."
Now for most of you that don't know ferrill and I have been blessed to rent a very modest 950 square foot home since moving to Florida. Its inexpensive rent has been the thing that has allowed us to save for our adoption, to pay off any small miscellaneous debts we've had and allowed me the joy of staying home with Finley worry free. It was a surprise that took a day or 2 to process. The situation is 100% understandable and right. The landlord would have the great privilege of blessing his daughter and soon to be son in-law with the home that was his mothers. It will be the same blessing for them as it has been for us. No anger or hurt feelings have been felt.
A lot is changing around here. Its a new year that's already come with new roles and responsibilities at church. Weve been doing college ministry in our home every week and its growing requiring more space than we have. Things in court finalized in December and a stable address matching all the paperwork is no longer needed. It is the ideal time for change I suppose.
This is the part that surprises me though. I have very little faith in this situation. (I don't know why im even telling you this. Its embarrassing and not something im proud of) But true. My heart is a tug of war between having hope and desires for our next place and being very realistic about our situation. The feelings I keep choking down are that well have to pay hundreds more a month than we do now for half the space. The next place wont allow me to paint or do yard work that is to me what makes a place feel like a home.(because im a country girl and their are no condos in the country) That I will need to find consistent part time work. That to accommodate what we need and what we can afford will mean living even further away from the church than we do. I say all this realizing we all go through things like this, as we move, have more children, change jobs or lose jobs. This is life. Im disappointed in myself that after everything we've gone through... I still don't fully put every ounce of trust I have in the Lord. This is the real problem. Not the living situation but the condition of my heart. This about myself is what worries me most.
This is still something im processing and looking into. What happened? Im that girl that believes God cares about the little things and does them just for a good laugh. I know things that in life really don't matter, matter to him and he ravishes his love on us. So why would my God care about those things and not the bigger like finding a home? Did I not wake up to a healthy daughter this morning that was a total miracle from him? Did he not always have every situation covered before it occurred? Why is God so relentless with this faith stuff and learning to trust in him. (deeeeeeeep sigh) Im such a brat.
So last night I walked into Finley's room which is one area of our house that is just totally saturated with the presence of God. (makes since with all the prayer and tears spent in there these past few years) and immediately I sit in front of her bed and start crying. As woman we often just need to let those emotions flow before we can really see what's going on. I was happy it was here and not in target which is another place the presence of God is. Its always pure bliss to finally be that mom wearing workout cloths (although I didn't work out and im sure 99% of those other chicks didn't either) and order my latte while shopping for shoes or baby stuff. Anyway back to what I was saying... I cried in her room and just emptied myself. Perhaps being asked to leave did hurt a little, perhaps it made me sad to hear God saying it was time to move on. Time for a new undiscovered season. Time to dig another well in my heart and let him teach me something new and beautiful.
The response I got from him was this.
" It is you that makes what I wanted to be an advantage, something complicated. I tell you not to worry and instead of you being thankful for that portion as my child you call it foolish and unwise. You say you are upset that you "didn't save more while you had the chance" when what you really mean is im uncomfortable relying on you once again as my sole provider. But even now my grace is with you. I take no offense to your nonsense and am always amazed at how even though you have yet to see me face to face-you believe that I am God"
At this point I lift my head to see if ive wakened Finley with all this crying. She sleeps peacefully. I look at her flawless face and adore everything about her. The Lord says
"Your daughter does not worry about where she will live or what she will eat, did I not tell you to do the same? And to be like them? She fully trusts in you without fear or concern and as much as your heart feels heavy to care for her, my heart feels that so much more. I had many things going on behind the scenes with her that you were totally and blissfully unaware of until one perfect day when my plan was made known to you. And so it will be with this. "
I layed there and accepted this truth (that's not true.. I wallered in it like a filthy pig wanting every inch of me to be covered in its goodness)
I don't know why im saying all of this, although writing is a personal self help for me. Perhap I don't mind people seeing my low points because many people have this idea of what it must be like being a pastor. We "have it so good" and I know many of you think this because you've sent me house listings where the rent is $1200-$1500+ which is almost twice our budget,and its true we love what we do, but im no more saved than you are, and very few people get to see behind the curtains of a pastors life. Where you work super hard and sacrifice a lot, cry more than most people, carry heavy burdens and where God is relentless on this thing called faith,because to be in the position youre in means its already been tested and found true. So this will be know different im sure. At least when he does it youll see just how undeserving I am. The girl that has faith for $30,000 and an overnight adoption but isn't sure about where to live. Its humbling.
Ill let you know where we end up since we have only a few shorts weeks before we know. Aren't you curious to see what happens now? yea,me too.