When I got saved, I mean REALLY saved I was 15.I remember specifically dedicating my life and my future to the Lord to mold and shape with 1 stipulation.I will not go to Africa! Perhaps it was because I was a small town country girl whod never traveled,and I guess perhaps the scariest thing to me at the time would be to be on the the other side of the world where life must look totally different then my population 197.
Well 7 years into my adventure with God I cant say it was a total shock when I was in a church service and they announced a womens group going to Africa in the fall and my spirit knew in a moment it was time to go. I wanted to go where he led me but I was so afraid. Afraid of what? After a heart to heart with God I realized I had this underlining fear inside of me that God would take me someplace far far away... and leave me there.He would abandon me.He would watch me from a distance and teach me lessons the hard way.None of this was true of course and it took faith and trust to journey half way around the world to discover that not only would God not abandon me to the things that I am most afraid of,but he would show me something so beautiful and amazing that few people will ever see.
So at the very start of this adoption I realized it could go badly and leave us devastated, so I worked very hard to be realistic and to keep my heart protected. But over the past 4 months I allowed the Lord to tear down that wall,so I fell in love with a boy I had never met,that I still have not met yet. So what do you do when you find yourself in your own worst case scenario?
So what happened? The call never came from the hospital for us to come and the mother informed the agency she didn't want to place. It may seem very cut and dry but its not. Without sharing very private information the birth-mothers current situation is very temporary.She will soon need to find a place for her son to live and were praying that that phone call still comes. For those of you who have sown financially into this do not worry, money has not been lost.The Lord has not released our hearts to move on.So we wait.
The past 3 weeks have been... so many things. I consider myself a very consistent and stable person,so to have one day be very normal and the next emotionally exhausting is a challenge. Some days the cup is half full,somedays half empty,sometimes I hate the cup, and at times I am grateful for it.Ive been wanting to write the last few days but ive been short on having something beautiful to say about it all. I will say the Lord has not abandoned me.Even when I wish hed turn away just for a moment to leave me to my self pity and at times despair, he will not.For this I am most grateful for.That even in my worst case scenario he is with me,and the very thing that I had been most afraid of I am walking through to discover something new.It is sweet to hit the bottom sometimes just to realize that even here God is with you.God takes away the sting of fear and shows you that surely with him you can really do all things,you can go anywhere.You take away power from evil when you are no longer afraid of the unknown that once paralyzed you.Maybe this is what Paul meant when he wrote the Corinthians;"Death where is your sting? Grave where is your victory?"
Somedays I find myself early in the morning and in the evening sitting on my front step.Because if I know one thing that is consistent in this wonderful/awful position im in, its that if I look and wait long enough,at the right moment the sun will rise and the sun will set.This is how im dealing with things. If I set my eyes towards him and I wait, surely he will come and show himself faithful.And when he does I have no doubt that it will be stunning and marvelous.
Keep us in your prayers
I'll be in touch.