Its been two months believe it or not since sweet baby boy came into this world. Can you believe it? I haven't written because nothing has changed. Our hearts are slowly letting go of the hope of him like a balloon about to float away.
I dont really know what to say.I try not to go by how I "feel." I love what is true and I focus on those things, but if I may for just a moment allow myself to express how I "feel" I would appreciate being heard.
I feel overwhelmingly disappointed. Not angry,not frustrated nor confused,but sad and dissapointed.At least I know why,other than the obvious. Ferrill is away on a missions trip to Moldova,a trip I didn't get tickets to go on because I was going to be home with baby, and because I was going to be alone with baby we also bought tickets for my parents to come and visit their 2nd grandchild.So my husband is gone,my parents are visiting and everywhere I go I feel a sting of pain.Mothers day was brutal, Fathers day was too long. Right now at this particular moment I hurt.As my parents unpack the toys they'd been collecting for the baby that never came home,we all grieve a little.
I haven't felt like this long.Surprisingly I hadn't thought about it hardly at all the past few weeks. Then a few days ago in the kitchen I had this (for lack of a better word) vision. I was thinking "wow its like the whole thing never even happened!" and then I saw it like a storm.A tornado actually. When a tornado comes you have a wild storm and then it stops.Most people would think its over at this point but this is actually whats called "the eye" of the storm.You're basically still in the middle of it, another storm will come before its finally over. I immediately thought "Nooooooooooo! I dont want to do this again!" but in my heart I know we will, as many times as it takes. So again im dissapointed that the first time was not a charm, and I am not above being part of a high statistic of failed adoptions.
One thing I would like to add is some people have asked and said things like "How are you not angry with God? How could he do this to you? Does God not care?" " My thought is this.God is love, and I love him in a way that I also love my husband. When I go out into the world and I get rained on, a speeding ticket, coffee on my favorite tee-shirt I don't come home and walk through my front door and start asking my husband why he did all these things to me. Of course he may have been present while these things happened, some I did to myself and sure maybe he could have intervened to prevent something from happening but i don't suddenly abandon my love for him because of this, nor do I suddenly believe he loves me less because they did.If I didn't believe my husband loved me always and had only the best intentions,what kind of marriage could I possibly have? Sometimes things just happen and what freaks me out is to see so many Christians be quick to question Gods love, when this is just life and not any actual persecution were experiencing.(may I also add christian means "Christ like" or "tiny Christs" and nowhere in the bible do we ever see Jesus Christ ever look to God and blame or accuse that he was not loved.He trusted.) Somewhere in the bible it says (my bible is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there, and im not getting up,because im sad remember) lol anyway,somewhere in the bible it says In the end,the love of MOST will grow cold. Not few, but most, and if I cant keep my heart and mind believing in his unfailing love for me during this tiny trial, I believe I certainly wont make it in the end.
So in another week or two Ferrill and I are making the call and starting the process over again. Who knows what could happen. The possibilities are endless. But God is still greater than all of these things and I love him more than I did in the beginning,so if at the end of the day I can say "no harm done" do I really have anything to complain about?
Goodnight world.The adventure goes on.....and on.... and on......
Shout out to my dearest friends Bekah and Melissa, (deeeeeeeeeep sigh) Your friendship has been a gift from God during all of this.Our phone calls and lunches have helped restore what the past 2 months have stolen.*cheers to you!*