Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Healing & Wholeness

I keep writing posts and never publishing them. Life has moved so quickly these past few months leaving behind a trail of joy and sadness.

I kept holding out waiting in hope that my post would be a story about our new beautiful home, and we were as close as having a contract on a dream house when the bank called at the last hour changing a few requirements crushing any possiblitity. Its been a whirlwind of emotions. One door closing after another. Days after our loan fell through we sat in the kitchen with the couple who've so graciously hosted us for 5 months now (5 months!) and who have prayed along side us and we discussed the future. I asked with a weary heart and defeated hope "what would you tell me to do if I was your daughter." And the answer from them both was the same. "stay." "If you were my daughter id say stay. Be patient and don't rush. See the opportunity that you have in this situation and prepare your heart for the stretch." We could hardly believe that this couple could geniounly want us to share this season of life with them. But they pursued us for days that they truly did, and so I  permitted the Lord to move both my mind and my emotions for this unexpected twist.

Were staying here through the end of this year and I am embracing a simplistic and minimalist life style. It did make my heart sad to know all my lovely things would be in storage for another 5 months, My worn leather sofa, frosted antique mirror, my awesome matress and bedding, and my pottery barn dished for entertaining. You see I am a homemaker. Im not great at a lot of things, but loving people through food,fellowship and seasonal decor is my language of love. I didn't realize how much comfort and identity I found in that until I wasn't doing it any more.

These past few months have had many ups and downs. Joy as my daughter turned 1 August 11th, incredible relief and then loss as we didn't get the house. Lots of celebrations as friends have gotten engaged and others who are expecting. Grief for dear friends who have said goodbye to there parents and at times pity for myself, and how yet another precious season of my life doesn't look at all how I thought it would. I had strep throat for 10 days, not allowing me to see finley since I had hallucinations with my 103' temp. Our pace of life has been too much too often and my faith and hope have taken a few hard punches. If I may just be totally honest and vulnerable with you for a minute(free of you mumbling "but shes a pastors wife" )  I wouldn't mind sharing a revelation the Lord gave me a few days ago.

You see I find myself stuffing my life. I noticed I started getting fixated on things that I just "needed" to make me feel better. One time it was nice makeup, a pair of shoes, cleaning the bathroom in this obsessive way, pressure to attend things I typically wouldn't. As if life wasn't busy enough in my free time I tried to stuff. Then one time I was climbing the stairs and The Lord said to me " How long are you going to try and ignore me?"  "ignore you? im just busy.. I just..." I stopped in the hallway and thought of my reply "I just... "

  Now if you know me then you know I have no problem just calling something what it is. I like to think the Lord loves this about our relationship because he is free to do the same without the work and complication of something hurting my feelings or needing much explanation. I love truth. and the trust was "I just... I just don't want to talk to you right now. Lord, you could have done something incredible for us and you chose not too and that's just hard for me right now without being able to understand the full picture."   There I said it. I was angry, I was hurt, I was tired and I was still confused. So many questions. Why didn't you heal our friends father when you could have? Why couldn't we have that house? Why did you do that for that particular person and not for me? Now this doesn't change my love for him, nor my commitment, nor does it mean that I don't trust in the decision that he made. It means I didn't like it, and my flesh has got to go through the motions of being weak. I felt him walk away and give me the space requested. I continued my busyness for a few more days while he patiently permitted me to behave like the child that I am.

A few days had passed when unexpectedly the Lord whispers this to me "My love-don't be deceived. You think all these things will lead to wholeness, but I say, wholeness leads to healing."

 I didn't really understand it when he said it,but even then its gentleness disarmed my heart immediately. I started to cry the kind of cry that feels good and makes you feel like your emotions are waking up again. You see I did have small wounds that needed to be mended, but I also still have big  things in my life that I desperately want to Lord to "fix" for me, because if he would I believed that would make me feel whole and satisfied. But you see, that just simply isn't true. And I find that disappointing and incredible all at the same time.

We were created with a void inside us. A hole never intended to be filled except for by friendship with God.And you can stuff and stuff but nothing but that friendship will ever satisfy. It would be easier to just be able to fill that void with things.A career, money, the latest trends,a new relationship,marriage, a baby,a second baby, a house, recognition or sometimes just the business that comes with life. But it will always be a short lived moment of satisfaction and our hearts are quick to move on and be on the hunt for whats next. You know this is true. We all do it.

So instead of focusing on the healing or the "fixes" I so desperately want ive chosen to pursue the wholeness that can only be found in him. I repent and recarve out the time in my day to say "my satisfaction can only be found in you Jesus. And I am sick,broken and in need of your friendship in this world." And he talks to me, he realigns all that is misplaced and he mends me with his love and wisdom. I always feel the need to express to people how very normal I am. That just because im married to such an incredible leader and we are saturated in ministry doesn't mean that we don't feel the same things. Life is really hard at times, and we all have to be honest and fight to keep him our first love.

So that's whats new with us. I have a lot on my heart to share and like i said ive written a lot I just haven't shared. Im not sure why. I want to share the incredible beauty of having a daughter. Or that God is truelly God of fun and freedom. About him talking to me about seeing slaves everywhere he looks or perhaps the wildfires hes told me to keep an eye on so that I am not consumed as well. God wants to talk to us.He wants to talk to you.... you just need to stop fighting and rushing and listen. Let him move on you in a way that wakes up your soul and gives you life again. He says hes more than enough.