Just since I blogged in the summer I went home to visit my family, specifically my mom. As many of you may know She had a major stroke in February of this year affecting her fine motor skills and memory. She cant speak, write or use utensil's. When I was there out of 4 visits she only knew me on the final day. It was a redeeming moment of joyful tears (unlike the ones I cry now remembering it all) We communicated, although without words, and in the end when I was leaving we both looked at one another and knew we might not know when this could happen again or what life might do. We sobbed together and I wish I could forget the look of such sorrow that was in her eyes. Nurses held her back from following me down a long medical hallway that was now her "home." I cant express in words the deep pain I still feel as I heard her crying out for me. "Just keep going" my mind would tell my heart trying to over rule all feelings in that moment, as I kept walking towards those double doors. But as if I was in my own personal hunger games I turned back. Their was my mother, the one who has loved me most on this earth. being kept from going after me by not 1 but 2 nurses.... I put on my bravest of faces and with great difficulty blew a kiss and waved goodbye. She did the same back to me. And this is the memory played over often in my mind, both lovely and haunting, causing me to cry fairly often. Even now.
I don't have the time or energy to share with you about our trip to Asia in August, about being held by the communist police for hours of interrogation. Or about Ferrill's car accident in September totaling our vehicle but leaving him totally unharmed. Or about the Baby we weren't matched with in July....Or November.... Or just last Friday.
Its a lot as you can see. Its complicated and difficult. I know very little about what's going to happen but if I think on what I do know, I know this. I love being a mom. I was made to mother. Perhaps I will or wont carry in me our own sons and daughters... but being pregnant isn't the same as mothering. I know I'm supposed to be here, I know God has asked us to receive children into our hearts and home. I know Finley was an ordained gift of God, and I know In him is LIFE.
You deserve to know more. Those who have sown both in prayers and in finances certainly do. This is me saying I'm sorry. As much as my sinful nature says I don't need you, the truth is we really do. More than you could imagine and more than I can understand I need you with us. We need prayer, we need more finances, we need more joy in the midst of everything. We need rest and divine leadership.
We are making quick arrangements even now to be shown again to a birth mother. Our hope is that in a week or so, maybe sooner, we can share of new news. Please pray for us as we hope and wait patiently for the Lords will to be made known. YOU ALL ARE AWESOME. Thank you for your love, even just your interest in adoption and what God is doing in our lives/family is flattering.
Until then life goes on and I find myself doing dishes and day dreaming of a new little life in our home. Seeing him.... holding her.... and wondering where in this world my child might be.
All our love