About a week ago Ferrill calls me from the office "I don't really know how to put this so im just gonna come out and say it. Our landlord would like us to move out by April 1st."
Now for most of you that don't know ferrill and I have been blessed to rent a very modest 950 square foot home since moving to Florida. Its inexpensive rent has been the thing that has allowed us to save for our adoption, to pay off any small miscellaneous debts we've had and allowed me the joy of staying home with Finley worry free. It was a surprise that took a day or 2 to process. The situation is 100% understandable and right. The landlord would have the great privilege of blessing his daughter and soon to be son in-law with the home that was his mothers. It will be the same blessing for them as it has been for us. No anger or hurt feelings have been felt.
A lot is changing around here. Its a new year that's already come with new roles and responsibilities at church. Weve been doing college ministry in our home every week and its growing requiring more space than we have. Things in court finalized in December and a stable address matching all the paperwork is no longer needed. It is the ideal time for change I suppose.
This is the part that surprises me though. I have very little faith in this situation. (I don't know why im even telling you this. Its embarrassing and not something im proud of) But true. My heart is a tug of war between having hope and desires for our next place and being very realistic about our situation. The feelings I keep choking down are that well have to pay hundreds more a month than we do now for half the space. The next place wont allow me to paint or do yard work that is to me what makes a place feel like a home.(because im a country girl and their are no condos in the country) That I will need to find consistent part time work. That to accommodate what we need and what we can afford will mean living even further away from the church than we do. I say all this realizing we all go through things like this, as we move, have more children, change jobs or lose jobs. This is life. Im disappointed in myself that after everything we've gone through... I still don't fully put every ounce of trust I have in the Lord. This is the real problem. Not the living situation but the condition of my heart. This about myself is what worries me most.
This is still something im processing and looking into. What happened? Im that girl that believes God cares about the little things and does them just for a good laugh. I know things that in life really don't matter, matter to him and he ravishes his love on us. So why would my God care about those things and not the bigger like finding a home? Did I not wake up to a healthy daughter this morning that was a total miracle from him? Did he not always have every situation covered before it occurred? Why is God so relentless with this faith stuff and learning to trust in him. (deeeeeeeep sigh) Im such a brat.
So last night I walked into Finley's room which is one area of our house that is just totally saturated with the presence of God. (makes since with all the prayer and tears spent in there these past few years) and immediately I sit in front of her bed and start crying. As woman we often just need to let those emotions flow before we can really see what's going on. I was happy it was here and not in target which is another place the presence of God is. Its always pure bliss to finally be that mom wearing workout cloths (although I didn't work out and im sure 99% of those other chicks didn't either) and order my latte while shopping for shoes or baby stuff. Anyway back to what I was saying... I cried in her room and just emptied myself. Perhaps being asked to leave did hurt a little, perhaps it made me sad to hear God saying it was time to move on. Time for a new undiscovered season. Time to dig another well in my heart and let him teach me something new and beautiful.
The response I got from him was this.
" It is you that makes what I wanted to be an advantage, something complicated. I tell you not to worry and instead of you being thankful for that portion as my child you call it foolish and unwise. You say you are upset that you "didn't save more while you had the chance" when what you really mean is im uncomfortable relying on you once again as my sole provider. But even now my grace is with you. I take no offense to your nonsense and am always amazed at how even though you have yet to see me face to face-you believe that I am God"
At this point I lift my head to see if ive wakened Finley with all this crying. She sleeps peacefully. I look at her flawless face and adore everything about her. The Lord says
"Your daughter does not worry about where she will live or what she will eat, did I not tell you to do the same? And to be like them? She fully trusts in you without fear or concern and as much as your heart feels heavy to care for her, my heart feels that so much more. I had many things going on behind the scenes with her that you were totally and blissfully unaware of until one perfect day when my plan was made known to you. And so it will be with this. "
I layed there and accepted this truth (that's not true.. I wallered in it like a filthy pig wanting every inch of me to be covered in its goodness)
I don't know why im saying all of this, although writing is a personal self help for me. Perhap I don't mind people seeing my low points because many people have this idea of what it must be like being a pastor. We "have it so good" and I know many of you think this because you've sent me house listings where the rent is $1200-$1500+ which is almost twice our budget,and its true we love what we do, but im no more saved than you are, and very few people get to see behind the curtains of a pastors life. Where you work super hard and sacrifice a lot, cry more than most people, carry heavy burdens and where God is relentless on this thing called faith,because to be in the position youre in means its already been tested and found true. So this will be know different im sure. At least when he does it youll see just how undeserving I am. The girl that has faith for $30,000 and an overnight adoption but isn't sure about where to live. Its humbling.
Ill let you know where we end up since we have only a few shorts weeks before we know. Aren't you curious to see what happens now? yea,me too.
A blog about life and all the thoughts that come with it. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." Song of Solomon 2:15
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Friday, December 13, 2013
Once & For All
Yesterday was the day we finalized the adoption in court. The night before I couldn't sleep. I wasn't nervous I was just curious to know what that day would feel like. The morning came full of peace and ease. Finley was in the best of moods as we scooped her out of her bed and brought her into ours for the morning. Ferrill and I lay there looking at each other while she cooed and said to one another "we did it. The day is finally here." We sipped coffee with a side of victory.
At 11:20 we were sworn in by the judge stating our names, address and that we are responsible for caring for now baby "Gallaway" and no longer her previous name. It was a moment of great pride as we replied a firm yes to their questions. "Do you understand your obligations to this child as of this day forward?" "Yes." "Do you understand this child will be able to inherit as if your own nature born child?"Yes" To be honest it all happened in a flash. The judge stamped loudly our paperwork, we took a few pictures and we were done. Just like that, we were finally done. Finley managed to stay awake for the appearance and passed out immediately afterwards. We walked down the long long hallways of the courthouse to leave as I heald her and I felt as though a heavy coat was being taken off of me. suddenly my pace felt a little quicker than before, my heart freer than it had been. It felt official finally. Perhaps somewhere in my mind layed a seed of concern that someone may show up and undue this beautiful thing .That my new family was still in jeopardy. But no one and nothing did. And today began a brand new day. Today is the first day that after one and a half years I am no longer "in the process of adoption." Today and for the rest of my life I am the mother to a beautiful girl named Ms. Finley Elizabeth Gallaway.
As if everyday doesn't have its own special moments, ive grown fond of having specific ones. Ill be someplace were suddenly I vividly remember being there before while my heart was going through all its troubles. One in particular is in my back yard sitting in a lawn chair staring up into a tree looking to find a raccoon I named Craig. When id left my previous job to start staying home with the april baby and it didn't wok out I would sit out there for hours watching that silly raccoon. Feeling mostly pathetic that this was what my great adventure had come too and trying to keep my mind off of the situation. Only the other day I took a minute to relax in that chair,I looked up searching for Craig whod left my tree for a better one months ago and I had a flash back to that time only to have it swiftly swept away by the faint cries of a waking babe. I pause to take in those special redeeming moments and give thanks.
Last New Years I journaled a promise from the Lord. He told me "at the end of this year you will laugh." So many times this one phrase was the hope I held onto, when things got bad id often look to the sky and mumble "im not laughing God!" his quick rebuttal was always "then it isn't over yet." I hope her presence in my life always reminds me to choose to say yes to what God is asking of me, knowing that he has this INCREDIBLE and perfect plan that I can trust in. I could have said no. That though is sickening to me. God would have allowed me to say no and I would have missed out on all of this. I hope when the next task comes (because it certainly will) that he finds my heart eagerly waiting and ready ,allowing his perfect love to cast out any fear.
So this is the end you guys (and really the beginning) but you know what I mean. I don't know when i'll write or share publicly like this again. (oh dear. im tearing up... wow I didn't see this coming) its just how can I possibly thank you enough. For your time,for your thoughts and prayers? For your giving? For your interest in us at all. Many of you walked with us through this and often I found comfort in your words and in your friendship. Thank you for everything, from the bottom of my heart,thank you.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most o us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing ,and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.This is a friend who cares. -Henry JM Nouwen
The End.
At 11:20 we were sworn in by the judge stating our names, address and that we are responsible for caring for now baby "Gallaway" and no longer her previous name. It was a moment of great pride as we replied a firm yes to their questions. "Do you understand your obligations to this child as of this day forward?" "Yes." "Do you understand this child will be able to inherit as if your own nature born child?"Yes" To be honest it all happened in a flash. The judge stamped loudly our paperwork, we took a few pictures and we were done. Just like that, we were finally done. Finley managed to stay awake for the appearance and passed out immediately afterwards. We walked down the long long hallways of the courthouse to leave as I heald her and I felt as though a heavy coat was being taken off of me. suddenly my pace felt a little quicker than before, my heart freer than it had been. It felt official finally. Perhaps somewhere in my mind layed a seed of concern that someone may show up and undue this beautiful thing .That my new family was still in jeopardy. But no one and nothing did. And today began a brand new day. Today is the first day that after one and a half years I am no longer "in the process of adoption." Today and for the rest of my life I am the mother to a beautiful girl named Ms. Finley Elizabeth Gallaway.
As if everyday doesn't have its own special moments, ive grown fond of having specific ones. Ill be someplace were suddenly I vividly remember being there before while my heart was going through all its troubles. One in particular is in my back yard sitting in a lawn chair staring up into a tree looking to find a raccoon I named Craig. When id left my previous job to start staying home with the april baby and it didn't wok out I would sit out there for hours watching that silly raccoon. Feeling mostly pathetic that this was what my great adventure had come too and trying to keep my mind off of the situation. Only the other day I took a minute to relax in that chair,I looked up searching for Craig whod left my tree for a better one months ago and I had a flash back to that time only to have it swiftly swept away by the faint cries of a waking babe. I pause to take in those special redeeming moments and give thanks.
Last New Years I journaled a promise from the Lord. He told me "at the end of this year you will laugh." So many times this one phrase was the hope I held onto, when things got bad id often look to the sky and mumble "im not laughing God!" his quick rebuttal was always "then it isn't over yet." I hope her presence in my life always reminds me to choose to say yes to what God is asking of me, knowing that he has this INCREDIBLE and perfect plan that I can trust in. I could have said no. That though is sickening to me. God would have allowed me to say no and I would have missed out on all of this. I hope when the next task comes (because it certainly will) that he finds my heart eagerly waiting and ready ,allowing his perfect love to cast out any fear.
So this is the end you guys (and really the beginning) but you know what I mean. I don't know when i'll write or share publicly like this again. (oh dear. im tearing up... wow I didn't see this coming) its just how can I possibly thank you enough. For your time,for your thoughts and prayers? For your giving? For your interest in us at all. Many of you walked with us through this and often I found comfort in your words and in your friendship. Thank you for everything, from the bottom of my heart,thank you.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most o us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing ,and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.This is a friend who cares. -Henry JM Nouwen
The End.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Mastering Choices
One thing I used to observe about many mothers was how consuming of a role it appeared to be.Sometimes it seemed sweet and sometimes scary to think of the thought of almost loosing ones self in this new identity of motherhood. You hear so often "your whole life will change. Nothing will EVER be the same. Good luck ever (sleeping, showering, going out) ever again!" I know many woman who say that their child is #1 and then themselves, and then their spouse, maybe vice versa if the guy is lucky. That never made since to me. So I braced myself for this tittle wave of motherhood that would consume every part of me... but it never came. Not at all like that at least. It surprised (not disappointed) me when days went on and I felt totally like the same person. Although I love and am committed to my daughter she has not overtaken who I am, and in that I am relieved. Weeks ago I was thinking about this and stood in the door way and without thought I said out loud while holding her "Jesus, you are still my first love." At this I felt a little like I was betraying what is normal, but also proud that my heart was not stolen from the one who has given me everything.
One thing I have found to be tricky about being a mom thus far are all the choices. Do I feed myself first or her? Do I nap while she naps or do house work (or more realistically do I watch Netflix)? Do I brave going to buy groceries or wait until another time? Do I go out of town or no? on and on motherhood appears to be a constant state of choices, but the one choice I hadnt figured out was this. Lord how do I spend time with you now?
I have such an awareness in myself that I need God to do this motherhood/wife/friend/daughter/sister thing well. But where is the time? The time ive spent reading my bible these past few months has been so little. Over and over again ill put Finley down for a nap and grab my bible, make a coffee and sit on my patio and I promise you the moment I settle in to spend intentional time with him she cries. This past time it happened was almost amusing and when I heard her wake up I looked up to the sky and said "Lord! surely you see my intentions.im so sorry but it doesn't look like today will work" This happens so often. I was listening to a friend of mine weeks ago who has 2 young kids say "my relationship with God used to be so good, real and tangible, but now... its as if I don't know who he is." We both stared at each other wondering how this kind of thing happens, and when/if it will happen to me?
I recently voiced my concern of all this to the Lord and was wowed by the simplicity of his answer. When I asked "Lord how do I take care of Finley and also go off to spend time with you?" his simple response was" I never intended for you to separate the two things. Don't put your daughter down and be with me... pick her up and be with me." surprisingly never once had I thought to do that. For my whole saved life its only ever been he and I. How beautiful of a thought it was to me to think I would be the one to introduce my daughter to Jesus as we spent time in his presence together. So lately when given the chance each day Finley and I lay in bed and I read the bible out loud and talk to the Lord about life.
Why am I saying all of this? I feel like I have friends falling from the Lord left and right and not because of sin really, but because life happened and although they may or may not attend church, are really involved and have what appears to be these wonderful lives, they aren't in love with the Lord like they once were. Instead of their light growing brighter I see it growing dimmer. And to be honest it scares me. I want to learn how to be present with him in this life while life is pulling on me from every direction. I write this because I wonder if you're like my friend with 2 kids who doesn't remember. The Lord is so patient. So in love with not what we have to offer but who we are. He chooses us even on the days we don't chose him. And although he would never guilt or shame you into himself, im sure he misses you.
Revelations 2:2
"I know your deeds, your hard work and perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate evil, that you have tested those who claim to be something they are not and found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this one thing against you. You have forsaken your first love."
One thing I have found to be tricky about being a mom thus far are all the choices. Do I feed myself first or her? Do I nap while she naps or do house work (or more realistically do I watch Netflix)? Do I brave going to buy groceries or wait until another time? Do I go out of town or no? on and on motherhood appears to be a constant state of choices, but the one choice I hadnt figured out was this. Lord how do I spend time with you now?
I have such an awareness in myself that I need God to do this motherhood/wife/friend/daughter/sister thing well. But where is the time? The time ive spent reading my bible these past few months has been so little. Over and over again ill put Finley down for a nap and grab my bible, make a coffee and sit on my patio and I promise you the moment I settle in to spend intentional time with him she cries. This past time it happened was almost amusing and when I heard her wake up I looked up to the sky and said "Lord! surely you see my intentions.im so sorry but it doesn't look like today will work" This happens so often. I was listening to a friend of mine weeks ago who has 2 young kids say "my relationship with God used to be so good, real and tangible, but now... its as if I don't know who he is." We both stared at each other wondering how this kind of thing happens, and when/if it will happen to me?
I recently voiced my concern of all this to the Lord and was wowed by the simplicity of his answer. When I asked "Lord how do I take care of Finley and also go off to spend time with you?" his simple response was" I never intended for you to separate the two things. Don't put your daughter down and be with me... pick her up and be with me." surprisingly never once had I thought to do that. For my whole saved life its only ever been he and I. How beautiful of a thought it was to me to think I would be the one to introduce my daughter to Jesus as we spent time in his presence together. So lately when given the chance each day Finley and I lay in bed and I read the bible out loud and talk to the Lord about life.
Why am I saying all of this? I feel like I have friends falling from the Lord left and right and not because of sin really, but because life happened and although they may or may not attend church, are really involved and have what appears to be these wonderful lives, they aren't in love with the Lord like they once were. Instead of their light growing brighter I see it growing dimmer. And to be honest it scares me. I want to learn how to be present with him in this life while life is pulling on me from every direction. I write this because I wonder if you're like my friend with 2 kids who doesn't remember. The Lord is so patient. So in love with not what we have to offer but who we are. He chooses us even on the days we don't chose him. And although he would never guilt or shame you into himself, im sure he misses you.
Revelations 2:2
"I know your deeds, your hard work and perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate evil, that you have tested those who claim to be something they are not and found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this one thing against you. You have forsaken your first love."
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Finley Elizabeth
Our sweet Finley was 4 weeks old on Sunday. Ive sat down at least three times to write and ive just wanted to say so much that I got over whelmed and never finished. To make things short and sweet, having Finley is a dream come true. We love being parents. I have nothing,not one single thing negative to say or complain about. Of course she cries, yes we wake up every 2-3 hours, but she was so desired and so wanted that we welcome it all with nothing but smiles and so far not even a hint of frustration. Weve been blessed with what appears to be an easy and none complicated baby.
If you don't already know how stunning she is,my dearest friend and photographer made the 6 hour drive just 4 days after we brought her home. You can view those images on her website and personal blog here. www.tirzahphotography/blog.com
Often it is all overwhelming.Not her nor motherhood,but God.
One interesting thing that happen was the second night she was home with us I had this wild dream. I drempt I had a lion up against a wall and he was roaring and striking his giant paw towards me and I would just kick him relentlessly. All night long with no fear I kicked this lion until I woke up.Such a strange dream. I dream a lot but never before about a lion. Then I remembered in 1Peter 5:8 it says "Be sober,be diligent,because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." when I reread this I cried like a baby. What a representation of our victory. It says he is LIKE a lion,he imitates,but never forget he is anything but who he claims to be. He will roar at you most in the area I believe you are destined to walk in. So ask yourself, in what area has he come to threaten you?
Tuesday Ferrill and I took Finley to an outdoor shopping area to stroll.It was our first. Only one other time have I experienced a feeling similar to that stroll.It was when Ferrill and I first got married and months later we were taking a flight to Oklahoma.I blushed when I got my first flight ticket that said Sharon Gallaway row 15C and no longer Sharon Richardson.When the person sitting beside me saw my ring and asked if I was getting married, I said I was already a newly wed and introduced my "husband" Ferrill. Strolling was that same magical feeling of pride. Like putting on your favorite coat when the seasons have changed.I doubt ive ever felt so beautiful as I did with her.
So I'll end this post with this last story.Tonight Finley insisted on only being held and I didn't mind.We sat and rocked as we stared at each other and I felt this overwelming urge to sing. (I dont sing) but something sprung up from a very deep and at this time forgotten place in my heart. It was a song that Id heard years ago and fell in love with. During the ends and outs of this adoption I would play it over and over again.Sometimes praying,sometimes grieving. Many times I would just sit in the car and cry,and wonder,and hope. I pulled it up on my phone to play Finley calling it "our song" and im not even kidding when I say she must have grinned 10 times while it played. The Lord purged the old pains of my heart and I wept as he healed me even further.Sometimes I just say "shes here!" The one that the Lord had my heart carry for 14 months but was quick to labor is actually here,and I let that refreshing relief wash over me. So hear is something very private for you to enjoy. May you realize that the Lord is with you wherever you are.
Love,
Ferrill, Sharon, & Finley
If you don't already know how stunning she is,my dearest friend and photographer made the 6 hour drive just 4 days after we brought her home. You can view those images on her website and personal blog here. www.tirzahphotography/blog.com
Often it is all overwhelming.Not her nor motherhood,but God.
He has in the past weeks truly overwhelmed my heart with love. Ive never held a promise of God before. Ive seen him be so faithful and good. Answer prayers,provide in wild ways and do miracles, but never had those things layed their sweet head on my chest or had a heart beat. Ive never experienced a promise and desire fulfilled in such an intimate way.So many years I have spoken and declared truth,and had moments were it was just rehearsed, and here she lays,in my arms. She is my very own fruit of the truth of Gods word. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes,it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
One interesting thing that happen was the second night she was home with us I had this wild dream. I drempt I had a lion up against a wall and he was roaring and striking his giant paw towards me and I would just kick him relentlessly. All night long with no fear I kicked this lion until I woke up.Such a strange dream. I dream a lot but never before about a lion. Then I remembered in 1Peter 5:8 it says "Be sober,be diligent,because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." when I reread this I cried like a baby. What a representation of our victory. It says he is LIKE a lion,he imitates,but never forget he is anything but who he claims to be. He will roar at you most in the area I believe you are destined to walk in. So ask yourself, in what area has he come to threaten you?
Tuesday Ferrill and I took Finley to an outdoor shopping area to stroll.It was our first. Only one other time have I experienced a feeling similar to that stroll.It was when Ferrill and I first got married and months later we were taking a flight to Oklahoma.I blushed when I got my first flight ticket that said Sharon Gallaway row 15C and no longer Sharon Richardson.When the person sitting beside me saw my ring and asked if I was getting married, I said I was already a newly wed and introduced my "husband" Ferrill. Strolling was that same magical feeling of pride. Like putting on your favorite coat when the seasons have changed.I doubt ive ever felt so beautiful as I did with her.
So I'll end this post with this last story.Tonight Finley insisted on only being held and I didn't mind.We sat and rocked as we stared at each other and I felt this overwelming urge to sing. (I dont sing) but something sprung up from a very deep and at this time forgotten place in my heart. It was a song that Id heard years ago and fell in love with. During the ends and outs of this adoption I would play it over and over again.Sometimes praying,sometimes grieving. Many times I would just sit in the car and cry,and wonder,and hope. I pulled it up on my phone to play Finley calling it "our song" and im not even kidding when I say she must have grinned 10 times while it played. The Lord purged the old pains of my heart and I wept as he healed me even further.Sometimes I just say "shes here!" The one that the Lord had my heart carry for 14 months but was quick to labor is actually here,and I let that refreshing relief wash over me. So hear is something very private for you to enjoy. May you realize that the Lord is with you wherever you are.
Love,
Ferrill, Sharon, & Finley
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Biscuits & Gravy
How much time do I take in telling the most wonderful story of my life? This past Monday the 19th I was working as I have been for the past few months as a business woman's personal assistant.I had only been at her home about two hours when my phone rings and its the agency. We hadn't been able to connect by phone in 8 weeks! It was fine too,and not a flaw of the agency. Their just wasn't anything to discuss.Our April adoption had fallen through, our hearts had moved on and so had our normal lives. We were waiting for something to happen but no one really knew what. Would we be re-matched? would we get a call from a hospital? Would Isaac's birth-mother resurface? None of us knew. Seeing the agents name pop up on the screen made me almost cringed a little at the thought of having to "regroup" and talk about how we were feeling. The truth is I hadn't felt anything.Not angry or sad.Not hopeful nor like we were actually ever going to adopt a child. So when I answered the phone and shes says "Hey, how would you feel about having a daughter?" It took me by surprise. A daughter? Not a son, that was always easier in my mind to process, but someday I knew he would leave me for another woman (his wife of course) but a daughter one day becomes... your friend. So my answer was "yes! yes I want a daughter! Are you thinking of reshowing us to a birth-mother?" "No,I'll call you around 3:30 today to come get her!" I had walked outside when I took the call,which was good because in this moment I almost threw up from the shock of news,nerves and excitement.
She went on to explain that out of the blue that morning a girl had called the agency with a week old baby that she was unable to care for and wanted her placed by the end of that day. She was scheduled to be at the agency by 3:30. So I called Ferrill,retold the story and we quickly left our jobs to head home and await the call within the next two hours.It was a good thing too since our house was a wreck! We immediately called our parents and our 2 closest friends,then it was dishes,laundry,vacuum,where are the bottles and putting in the car seat. Its crazy. We were SO calm and SO freakishly peaceful.I even layed down for a 10 minute nap. Then we got a text. Please be here by 3:45! It was finally happening.
We left our home and I made one look back before closing the door and muttered to the space that had been my safe place of rest and longing for so long "So long my beautiful things, soon your four walls will be filled with joy" and I closed the door to the old and drove towards the new one that had finally been cracked opened.
When we got to the agency they walked us down a hallway to a back waiting room.Door opened we could just see workers hussling up and down the halls with paperwork and small talk. We waited.In the excitement of saying yes we didnt even ask any questions.Is she healthy? Is she red white or blue? All we knew was a girl,and 7 days. Finally we hear "we have signed consent! lets get her back to them". The birthmother had completed all her paper work releasing her parental rights... our gift was slowly making her way down the hall. And there she was. Now this moment is more than i can fully share right now. The things inside our hearts so private and intimate that I havent even fully processed but I will say my dad gave me some beautiful advice when id called hours before.
Okay dad- Id better get inside and prepare as much as I can for whats about to happen."Can I just give you one small piece of advice before you go? As your father?" Of course! "When you see her,grab her and hold on as tight as you can.Dont worry about breaking her or hurting her,just take ahold of her,because she will be yours, as much as you were once and still are mine. Youve waited a long time for this.You will make an incredible mother,and if you believe with all your heart she is yours she'll believe that she is yours too." (gosh, coming from a man that almost never talks intimately,it was almost more than I could handle) So without many words and details that is what happened.She became ours.Our beautiful,4.12oz -7 day old African American daughter,that we named Finley Elizabeth Gallaway.
Maybe an hour later we had the beautiful opportunity to meet the birthmother.She was beautiful.She was honest and pleasant.She loved her child enough to care for her,and then enough to let her go.We thanked one another,we cried, we made commitments and then we said goodbye. We arrived at 3:45pm and we were headed home by 6:30pm.
I may still be in shock. I find myself crying in the morning when the sun comes in the nursery and i'm holding her. I think of how many nights I sat in there and my heart poured out its pain and discomfort to the Lord only to be met with the comfort of hope that one day, this may happen.And it finally has. Us loving each other is like a slow and steady rain. It gently but intentionally pours,washing away all the dirt and giving a freshness to life. Its all been so sudden and new that I have yet to really sit before the Lord and pour out my thanks.Don't get me wrong,I have thanked him, but all my heart can muster without breaking this inevitable dame is a whisper. Small moments and tears in the night where I think about the goodness & faithfulness of the Lord and their aren't enough words,just tears,and a muttered "thank you."
So thats enough for now. My heart can hardly handle it. Every time ive finished a post before its had such a big question mark at the end. But not this time. This time I will end by saying to you thank you! For your love and your hope for us. For the time you have invested and the prayers you have sown. She is here. We did it. And now I will close the screen,push my laptop away and scoop into my arms our promised child.
All our love-Ferrill,Sharon & Finley
(OH MAN! are you crying?! I am. I forgot to be funny and explain why I called the post biscutts and gravy.Its because when she poops I think it smells like biscuits and gravy,and even that makes me happy.)
She went on to explain that out of the blue that morning a girl had called the agency with a week old baby that she was unable to care for and wanted her placed by the end of that day. She was scheduled to be at the agency by 3:30. So I called Ferrill,retold the story and we quickly left our jobs to head home and await the call within the next two hours.It was a good thing too since our house was a wreck! We immediately called our parents and our 2 closest friends,then it was dishes,laundry,vacuum,where are the bottles and putting in the car seat. Its crazy. We were SO calm and SO freakishly peaceful.I even layed down for a 10 minute nap. Then we got a text. Please be here by 3:45! It was finally happening.
We left our home and I made one look back before closing the door and muttered to the space that had been my safe place of rest and longing for so long "So long my beautiful things, soon your four walls will be filled with joy" and I closed the door to the old and drove towards the new one that had finally been cracked opened.
When we got to the agency they walked us down a hallway to a back waiting room.Door opened we could just see workers hussling up and down the halls with paperwork and small talk. We waited.In the excitement of saying yes we didnt even ask any questions.Is she healthy? Is she red white or blue? All we knew was a girl,and 7 days. Finally we hear "we have signed consent! lets get her back to them". The birthmother had completed all her paper work releasing her parental rights... our gift was slowly making her way down the hall. And there she was. Now this moment is more than i can fully share right now. The things inside our hearts so private and intimate that I havent even fully processed but I will say my dad gave me some beautiful advice when id called hours before.
Okay dad- Id better get inside and prepare as much as I can for whats about to happen."Can I just give you one small piece of advice before you go? As your father?" Of course! "When you see her,grab her and hold on as tight as you can.Dont worry about breaking her or hurting her,just take ahold of her,because she will be yours, as much as you were once and still are mine. Youve waited a long time for this.You will make an incredible mother,and if you believe with all your heart she is yours she'll believe that she is yours too." (gosh, coming from a man that almost never talks intimately,it was almost more than I could handle) So without many words and details that is what happened.She became ours.Our beautiful,4.12oz -7 day old African American daughter,that we named Finley Elizabeth Gallaway.
Maybe an hour later we had the beautiful opportunity to meet the birthmother.She was beautiful.She was honest and pleasant.She loved her child enough to care for her,and then enough to let her go.We thanked one another,we cried, we made commitments and then we said goodbye. We arrived at 3:45pm and we were headed home by 6:30pm.
I may still be in shock. I find myself crying in the morning when the sun comes in the nursery and i'm holding her. I think of how many nights I sat in there and my heart poured out its pain and discomfort to the Lord only to be met with the comfort of hope that one day, this may happen.And it finally has. Us loving each other is like a slow and steady rain. It gently but intentionally pours,washing away all the dirt and giving a freshness to life. Its all been so sudden and new that I have yet to really sit before the Lord and pour out my thanks.Don't get me wrong,I have thanked him, but all my heart can muster without breaking this inevitable dame is a whisper. Small moments and tears in the night where I think about the goodness & faithfulness of the Lord and their aren't enough words,just tears,and a muttered "thank you."
So thats enough for now. My heart can hardly handle it. Every time ive finished a post before its had such a big question mark at the end. But not this time. This time I will end by saying to you thank you! For your love and your hope for us. For the time you have invested and the prayers you have sown. She is here. We did it. And now I will close the screen,push my laptop away and scoop into my arms our promised child.
All our love-Ferrill,Sharon & Finley
(OH MAN! are you crying?! I am. I forgot to be funny and explain why I called the post biscutts and gravy.Its because when she poops I think it smells like biscuits and gravy,and even that makes me happy.)
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Two Months
Its been two months believe it or not since sweet baby boy came into this world. Can you believe it? I haven't written because nothing has changed. Our hearts are slowly letting go of the hope of him like a balloon about to float away.
I dont really know what to say.I try not to go by how I "feel." I love what is true and I focus on those things, but if I may for just a moment allow myself to express how I "feel" I would appreciate being heard.
I feel overwhelmingly disappointed. Not angry,not frustrated nor confused,but sad and dissapointed.At least I know why,other than the obvious. Ferrill is away on a missions trip to Moldova,a trip I didn't get tickets to go on because I was going to be home with baby, and because I was going to be alone with baby we also bought tickets for my parents to come and visit their 2nd grandchild.So my husband is gone,my parents are visiting and everywhere I go I feel a sting of pain.Mothers day was brutal, Fathers day was too long. Right now at this particular moment I hurt.As my parents unpack the toys they'd been collecting for the baby that never came home,we all grieve a little.
I haven't felt like this long.Surprisingly I hadn't thought about it hardly at all the past few weeks. Then a few days ago in the kitchen I had this (for lack of a better word) vision. I was thinking "wow its like the whole thing never even happened!" and then I saw it like a storm.A tornado actually. When a tornado comes you have a wild storm and then it stops.Most people would think its over at this point but this is actually whats called "the eye" of the storm.You're basically still in the middle of it, another storm will come before its finally over. I immediately thought "Nooooooooooo! I dont want to do this again!" but in my heart I know we will, as many times as it takes. So again im dissapointed that the first time was not a charm, and I am not above being part of a high statistic of failed adoptions.
One thing I would like to add is some people have asked and said things like "How are you not angry with God? How could he do this to you? Does God not care?" " My thought is this.God is love, and I love him in a way that I also love my husband. When I go out into the world and I get rained on, a speeding ticket, coffee on my favorite tee-shirt I don't come home and walk through my front door and start asking my husband why he did all these things to me. Of course he may have been present while these things happened, some I did to myself and sure maybe he could have intervened to prevent something from happening but i don't suddenly abandon my love for him because of this, nor do I suddenly believe he loves me less because they did.If I didn't believe my husband loved me always and had only the best intentions,what kind of marriage could I possibly have? Sometimes things just happen and what freaks me out is to see so many Christians be quick to question Gods love, when this is just life and not any actual persecution were experiencing.(may I also add christian means "Christ like" or "tiny Christs" and nowhere in the bible do we ever see Jesus Christ ever look to God and blame or accuse that he was not loved.He trusted.) Somewhere in the bible it says (my bible is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there, and im not getting up,because im sad remember) lol anyway,somewhere in the bible it says In the end,the love of MOST will grow cold. Not few, but most, and if I cant keep my heart and mind believing in his unfailing love for me during this tiny trial, I believe I certainly wont make it in the end.
So in another week or two Ferrill and I are making the call and starting the process over again. Who knows what could happen. The possibilities are endless. But God is still greater than all of these things and I love him more than I did in the beginning,so if at the end of the day I can say "no harm done" do I really have anything to complain about?
Goodnight world.The adventure goes on.....and on.... and on......
Shout out to my dearest friends Bekah and Melissa, (deeeeeeeeeep sigh) Your friendship has been a gift from God during all of this.Our phone calls and lunches have helped restore what the past 2 months have stolen.*cheers to you!*
I dont really know what to say.I try not to go by how I "feel." I love what is true and I focus on those things, but if I may for just a moment allow myself to express how I "feel" I would appreciate being heard.
I feel overwhelmingly disappointed. Not angry,not frustrated nor confused,but sad and dissapointed.At least I know why,other than the obvious. Ferrill is away on a missions trip to Moldova,a trip I didn't get tickets to go on because I was going to be home with baby, and because I was going to be alone with baby we also bought tickets for my parents to come and visit their 2nd grandchild.So my husband is gone,my parents are visiting and everywhere I go I feel a sting of pain.Mothers day was brutal, Fathers day was too long. Right now at this particular moment I hurt.As my parents unpack the toys they'd been collecting for the baby that never came home,we all grieve a little.
I haven't felt like this long.Surprisingly I hadn't thought about it hardly at all the past few weeks. Then a few days ago in the kitchen I had this (for lack of a better word) vision. I was thinking "wow its like the whole thing never even happened!" and then I saw it like a storm.A tornado actually. When a tornado comes you have a wild storm and then it stops.Most people would think its over at this point but this is actually whats called "the eye" of the storm.You're basically still in the middle of it, another storm will come before its finally over. I immediately thought "Nooooooooooo! I dont want to do this again!" but in my heart I know we will, as many times as it takes. So again im dissapointed that the first time was not a charm, and I am not above being part of a high statistic of failed adoptions.
One thing I would like to add is some people have asked and said things like "How are you not angry with God? How could he do this to you? Does God not care?" " My thought is this.God is love, and I love him in a way that I also love my husband. When I go out into the world and I get rained on, a speeding ticket, coffee on my favorite tee-shirt I don't come home and walk through my front door and start asking my husband why he did all these things to me. Of course he may have been present while these things happened, some I did to myself and sure maybe he could have intervened to prevent something from happening but i don't suddenly abandon my love for him because of this, nor do I suddenly believe he loves me less because they did.If I didn't believe my husband loved me always and had only the best intentions,what kind of marriage could I possibly have? Sometimes things just happen and what freaks me out is to see so many Christians be quick to question Gods love, when this is just life and not any actual persecution were experiencing.(may I also add christian means "Christ like" or "tiny Christs" and nowhere in the bible do we ever see Jesus Christ ever look to God and blame or accuse that he was not loved.He trusted.) Somewhere in the bible it says (my bible is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there, and im not getting up,because im sad remember) lol anyway,somewhere in the bible it says In the end,the love of MOST will grow cold. Not few, but most, and if I cant keep my heart and mind believing in his unfailing love for me during this tiny trial, I believe I certainly wont make it in the end.
So in another week or two Ferrill and I are making the call and starting the process over again. Who knows what could happen. The possibilities are endless. But God is still greater than all of these things and I love him more than I did in the beginning,so if at the end of the day I can say "no harm done" do I really have anything to complain about?
Goodnight world.The adventure goes on.....and on.... and on......
Shout out to my dearest friends Bekah and Melissa, (deeeeeeeeeep sigh) Your friendship has been a gift from God during all of this.Our phone calls and lunches have helped restore what the past 2 months have stolen.*cheers to you!*
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Cups & Sunsets
When I got saved, I mean REALLY saved I was 15.I remember specifically dedicating my life and my future to the Lord to mold and shape with 1 stipulation.I will not go to Africa! Perhaps it was because I was a small town country girl whod never traveled,and I guess perhaps the scariest thing to me at the time would be to be on the the other side of the world where life must look totally different then my population 197.
Well 7 years into my adventure with God I cant say it was a total shock when I was in a church service and they announced a womens group going to Africa in the fall and my spirit knew in a moment it was time to go. I wanted to go where he led me but I was so afraid. Afraid of what? After a heart to heart with God I realized I had this underlining fear inside of me that God would take me someplace far far away... and leave me there.He would abandon me.He would watch me from a distance and teach me lessons the hard way.None of this was true of course and it took faith and trust to journey half way around the world to discover that not only would God not abandon me to the things that I am most afraid of,but he would show me something so beautiful and amazing that few people will ever see.
So at the very start of this adoption I realized it could go badly and leave us devastated, so I worked very hard to be realistic and to keep my heart protected. But over the past 4 months I allowed the Lord to tear down that wall,so I fell in love with a boy I had never met,that I still have not met yet. So what do you do when you find yourself in your own worst case scenario?
So what happened? The call never came from the hospital for us to come and the mother informed the agency she didn't want to place. It may seem very cut and dry but its not. Without sharing very private information the birth-mothers current situation is very temporary.She will soon need to find a place for her son to live and were praying that that phone call still comes. For those of you who have sown financially into this do not worry, money has not been lost.The Lord has not released our hearts to move on.So we wait.
The past 3 weeks have been... so many things. I consider myself a very consistent and stable person,so to have one day be very normal and the next emotionally exhausting is a challenge. Some days the cup is half full,somedays half empty,sometimes I hate the cup, and at times I am grateful for it.Ive been wanting to write the last few days but ive been short on having something beautiful to say about it all. I will say the Lord has not abandoned me.Even when I wish hed turn away just for a moment to leave me to my self pity and at times despair, he will not.For this I am most grateful for.That even in my worst case scenario he is with me,and the very thing that I had been most afraid of I am walking through to discover something new.It is sweet to hit the bottom sometimes just to realize that even here God is with you.God takes away the sting of fear and shows you that surely with him you can really do all things,you can go anywhere.You take away power from evil when you are no longer afraid of the unknown that once paralyzed you.Maybe this is what Paul meant when he wrote the Corinthians;"Death where is your sting? Grave where is your victory?"
Somedays I find myself early in the morning and in the evening sitting on my front step.Because if I know one thing that is consistent in this wonderful/awful position im in, its that if I look and wait long enough,at the right moment the sun will rise and the sun will set.This is how im dealing with things. If I set my eyes towards him and I wait, surely he will come and show himself faithful.And when he does I have no doubt that it will be stunning and marvelous.
Keep us in your prayers
I'll be in touch.
Well 7 years into my adventure with God I cant say it was a total shock when I was in a church service and they announced a womens group going to Africa in the fall and my spirit knew in a moment it was time to go. I wanted to go where he led me but I was so afraid. Afraid of what? After a heart to heart with God I realized I had this underlining fear inside of me that God would take me someplace far far away... and leave me there.He would abandon me.He would watch me from a distance and teach me lessons the hard way.None of this was true of course and it took faith and trust to journey half way around the world to discover that not only would God not abandon me to the things that I am most afraid of,but he would show me something so beautiful and amazing that few people will ever see.
So at the very start of this adoption I realized it could go badly and leave us devastated, so I worked very hard to be realistic and to keep my heart protected. But over the past 4 months I allowed the Lord to tear down that wall,so I fell in love with a boy I had never met,that I still have not met yet. So what do you do when you find yourself in your own worst case scenario?
So what happened? The call never came from the hospital for us to come and the mother informed the agency she didn't want to place. It may seem very cut and dry but its not. Without sharing very private information the birth-mothers current situation is very temporary.She will soon need to find a place for her son to live and were praying that that phone call still comes. For those of you who have sown financially into this do not worry, money has not been lost.The Lord has not released our hearts to move on.So we wait.
The past 3 weeks have been... so many things. I consider myself a very consistent and stable person,so to have one day be very normal and the next emotionally exhausting is a challenge. Some days the cup is half full,somedays half empty,sometimes I hate the cup, and at times I am grateful for it.Ive been wanting to write the last few days but ive been short on having something beautiful to say about it all. I will say the Lord has not abandoned me.Even when I wish hed turn away just for a moment to leave me to my self pity and at times despair, he will not.For this I am most grateful for.That even in my worst case scenario he is with me,and the very thing that I had been most afraid of I am walking through to discover something new.It is sweet to hit the bottom sometimes just to realize that even here God is with you.God takes away the sting of fear and shows you that surely with him you can really do all things,you can go anywhere.You take away power from evil when you are no longer afraid of the unknown that once paralyzed you.Maybe this is what Paul meant when he wrote the Corinthians;"Death where is your sting? Grave where is your victory?"
Somedays I find myself early in the morning and in the evening sitting on my front step.Because if I know one thing that is consistent in this wonderful/awful position im in, its that if I look and wait long enough,at the right moment the sun will rise and the sun will set.This is how im dealing with things. If I set my eyes towards him and I wait, surely he will come and show himself faithful.And when he does I have no doubt that it will be stunning and marvelous.
Keep us in your prayers
I'll be in touch.
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