Shed finally gone down for her nap and for me that meant a few moments to myself. Id decided with my precious time to paint my nails as I am a strong believer that it doesn't take much to feel beautiful and sometimes a fresh coat can make all the difference for the week ahead. I sat down in the bathroom floor and had selected the perfect shade of navy blue. I could sense his presence there, waiting, longing for a moment of peace and quiet with me eager to share. So I sat with my back against the tub, put my head back and took a deep breath, "Hi Holy Spirit-Im here,and im listening." It didn't take but a few seconds before I could clearly see their tiny bodies sitting in the orange clay colored dirt. 2 girls, 1 maybe 4 or 5years of age ,and the other perhaps only 2. The littlest one sat in the others lap and they were undressed with beads around their necks and with dusty twisted hair. How is it possible to experience such deep compassion over a mental image? When I saw them my heart felt something profound and difficult to explain.I needed to see them. I needed to hold and kiss them as my own, I needed them to hear they were loved, I needed to see it in their eyes that someone cared. Seconds later the image was gone but not forgotten. I had to ask the Lord what is this? Id felt my heart shift once before when being called to adopt and I couldn't help but wonder was this that feeling all over again. I wasn't sure,but in that moment if it was,my mothers heart was eager to find them. I couldn't help but hear a tiny voice in my head that said "Some woman are called to bear children, and some are called to find them." Only I wasn't quit sure which one I was.
It was only 4 days later December 22nd when I opened an email from an organization in Colorado. Ferrill and I have sponsored a girl Hannah (pronounced like Hawnah) for about 5-6 years now. Our $29 a month provides her a meal each day as well as schooling and hearing about Jesus. Her and her mother live as bean farmers in Ethiopia and shes about 9 now. The organization is called One Child Matters (previously know as Mission Of Mercy) anyway the group has planned a trip to Ethiopia this September and I was extended the invitation to go and meet Hannah.
Even as I read it all I could see was the faces of those 2 little girls. Without even taking more than a few breaths my little fingers where flying through the application. I called Ferrill to "ask" what my heart had already decided and like any good man he gave his approval. You see I am not a very passionate person by nature, very little moves me to do anything quickly and its only done after a lot of thought, also im not a traveler like my roaming husband.Im a homemaker and although I have done missions in the past this felt incredibly different than that. Before I knew it I was quickly cleared to travel as 1 of the 10 who would be going and it wasn't until they sent me the itinerary with the breakdown of the cost that my brain started trying to reason with my heart. What kind of mom/wife spends $3400 to go see someone else's child instead of benefitting her own? Aren't you and Ferrill needing a newer vehicle? That sure would go a long ways to help your hard working husband? I wonder what Finley will think has happened to you being gone for 10 days? Isn't that where the Ebola is right now? My thoughts were blitz like a hail storm as Satan quickly tried to formed a plan to undue what God had begun. But it was too late.
September 17-26 ill be in Africa and to be honest ill need help to get there. I've made my deposit and paid for my background check but im looking for the Lord to provide the other $3000 needed to go. If this journey moves your heart and you'd like to help you can contact OCM directly to pay over the phone.Otherwise I will be sending them cash or checks directly. Am I a little crazy? Is this the Lord or am I just some desperate house wife with imaginary money to spend seeking an adventure? Hmmmmm....Either seems good to me.
In other news you may have noticed something looks a little different about the blog. Right before the year ended I felt the Lord telling me to "testify." Weather it be for my own good or for your benefit Im not sure but he reminded me of specific stories he wanted me to share. My family is full of rich stories of miracles, healings and angelic encounters and the Lords faithfulness doesn't change. It is from generation to generations.I have a bag full of seeds called hope, and its about time I started to sow them. I am eager to share ,so much so that im going home to visit in March and will be spending 3 days with my grandparents (both 83) to be able to not just hear those stories but to see both their faces while they again recall the sweet promises of God, and the incredible adventure they've lived belonging to Christ for 70+ years.
I wanted to change the name because the blog is no longer just about informing people about our adoption but... what was it exactly? Not a mommy blog, not a fashion blog, not parenting or self help.... I had an idea of what I wanted to share but didn't know how to explain it. After talking to a friend and agreeing it needed to take on a new freshness (the picture of us on their was actually almost 4 years old, and I chopped my hair off this past April so I don't even look like that anymore) I was going to be taking a few days to "pray" about what to call it. But it didn't take long, not long at all actually. That same day I was sitting in a meeting and I heard Holy Spirit say "Foxes In The Vineyards" "whoaaaaaaa-that's so cute I thought" I typed the phrase into my search engine and Song Of Songs 2:15 came up. "Be careful of the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, the vineyards that are in bloom." I know that book is all about romance but this one verse alone was almost too perfect. I read it like this "Be careful of your thoughts, the little thoughts that come to ruin the season of life you're in and take away any good fruit from it." YES! This was what I wanted any writing I did to be about. About thoughts (good and bad) and seasons (good and bad) and I hope you've been able to see this from anything I've shared previously. So that's the word people. New year, new season. I cant wait to share what the Lord has done and unfold the pages together of what he's doing now.
Lets go see Hannah....
To contact OCM directly and support with a card payment
Christi @ 719-481-0400x205
or make a check out to One Child Matters with the memo blank
I will be collecting any funds received and sending them together
If weve never me,t friend request and message me on FB for me to share how to get in touch
Sincerely,
Sharon Gallaway
A blog about life and all the thoughts that come with it. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." Song of Solomon 2:15
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
Freedom & Captives (A story about my mom)
I stepped outside the house to take my dads call. "now Sharon" He paused, "Don't be scared ,but your mom has had a stroke."
I sat myself down on the front grass during the hot Florida midday sun and pinched my eyes tightly as I held my breath and listened to every slow detail he shared.
"Id pulled into the drive way and your mother was standing on the front porch with her hands gently folded together." "Ronnie (my dad) something happened." She said almost embarrassed as if she had just bumped into the back of his car or something avoidable.
"I could tell right away" he told me." Ive seen many people who've had strokes before and your moms face was drooping down on her left side as she stood there, She said shed had a sharp headache along with dizziness and then she couldn't use her left arm hardly at all."
My dad has been a hospice Chaplin since I was a little kid. Hes an expert at communicating perfectly at the most challenging of times in peoples lives. I experienced that as he coached me through the situation. "Now her numbness may change. We wont know its full affects for several more days. Ill take her to the hospital and they'll do brain scans to tell us more of exactly what happened and where in her brain it took place. We are very blessed Sharon, often people don't survive strokes, or at best they are present, but never again with us in mind. Ill inform you as soon as I know more."
I layed all the way back onto the yard trying to decide how to feel. Do I feel scared? Sad? Grateful? I tried to take deep breaths as if I were gulping air to save my life. Finally I gave into all the what ifs that flooded my mind and I must have looked as though I was being electrocuted by my own yard. I remembered how fearfully my grandmother had looked at me in her hospital bed not knowing who I was, a moment I've chosen to forget. I feared the worst at the thought that my mother... MY MOM... the woman who brings you your life support in every way may never be the same. The woman I love most, gone in some ways forever.
"Jesus help. Help me decide now how you feel about what has happened!" I cried out needing to regain control, both in body and in spirit. "Sharon... do you see that tree over there?" Through watery eyes I saw the big oak across the street."Yes Lord. I see i.t" "I made that tree. With one word I spoke that tree and with one word I could make it move do you believe that?" I was breathing much deeper now as his peace started to rest upon me. "Yes Lord. I believe that's true." "Then how much more do I love your mother than you? I am able to do all things." He didn't say much or go into any personal depth, but I was so aware of his goodness, of his control in what seemed like a tragic event. It was such a sad and scary moment of 2014.
The brain scans that followed actually showed my mom had had 3 strokes, 1 of them being very very old, possibly from when she was a little girl. Days later I finally was able to speak to my mom on the phone. She sounded different. Tired. She was sleeping a lot, her brains way of trying to recover from the jolt. The nerves on her left side (arms,hand,fingers,face) remained numb for many months. She had the best attitude about it. "Apparently id had the strokes in my sleep doctors say, because I never even knew theyd happened. I guess if your gonna have a stroke that's the best way to do it." Shed say almost proud of herself as if it was her own clever idea. Dad was more honest with me than she was. Shes different hed say. In ways that don't really matter but different all the same. Time and days are hard for her to keep track of. She hangs the laundry in the closet with all the cloths facing right now instead of left. She folds my dress pants differently. He told me of changes that I should expect. Her memory was affected although only slightly from what I can tell. She wont be able to drive anymore (legally you cant for 1 year after a stroke if ever again) she wont be able to watch your nephew alone anymore while you sister works (This the most difficult by far. Her first grandchild now 2) Its not safe. She may forget and leave something dangerous out or not be able to pick him up. You can expect your mom to struggle with depression .Of all the things id researched, depression was the common enemy among all survivors although depression was no stranger to my mom.My heart could have never imagined what she told me next.
"Mom" I said over the phone wishing I wasn't 16 hours away. "How has today been?" I brace myself for the sound of sadness at her lack of independence. To feel like your body no longer works for you and I could only imagine the frustration she must feel. "Sharon, I loved today." "Loved?" I repeated sure I had heard her wrong. "Yes. loved." She went on for a very long time, explaining the hard times shed been having for decades before the stroke. My mom had had a difficult childhood and one could say the same for the early part of her married life. Shed always suffered from depression. Its hard to explain in such few words but, she had so much bitterness .Life was full of regrets and hard times that life felt dull to her. My mom waited for the day when shed be with the Lord. She longed for it in a way that was... at many times in my life sad and hurtful to me. No one would ever say that she was a woman full of life. But today she was.
I listened for hours as she told me about every sunrise shed sat and watched from the front porch since the stroke."I watched the tulip's in the front yard today as they woke up and followed the sun. I felt the coolness kiss my face as it dipped behind a cloud. I felt my hair blow across my face as though I was being kissed and I thought of God. How he has been kind to me to help me forget." I could hardly believe what she was saying. "I think this stroke was one of the best things that's happened to me.( said with a very slight slur) I cant remember the bad stuff anymore." and when she said it she said it in a way that sounded like she was free. Free in some beautiful way id never seen or heard her be free before.
Sometimes the stroke shows its captives. She used to have the most beautiful penmanship. Now what little she does write or sign in a card looks as though my daughter wrote it. I looked through my old shoe box full of letters from her when I moved away and hold them tight to my chest. This lovely cursive is my mothers, and I treasure now more than ever that my own is almost identical to hers.
They visited us 2 Septembers ago to meet for the first time their only granddaughter. I saw the look of total embracement on her face as I placed my daughter in her arms and she looked at me full of tears and said "Im so sorry. I cant remember her name." I kneeled in front of her and said "Oh good- then ill get to see your face when you hear it for the first time. (a moment I would have never had over the phone)We named her Finley." "Finley" She muttered as she closed her eyes gently and moved her mouth as if tasting something rich and sweet, then opened them. "I love it."
I don't know that iver ever told anyone this story before.I find myself writing this now because my spirit is so desperate to testify of Gods goodness. Were all in times of having difficulty,hardship and not knowing the future and yet God never changes. Only God can take a woman who felt no life and give her life through something satan intended for evil. I am remembering so many times of Gods goodness and faithfulness and... well... I think perhaps for me personally, its just time I told some people.
I sat myself down on the front grass during the hot Florida midday sun and pinched my eyes tightly as I held my breath and listened to every slow detail he shared.
"Id pulled into the drive way and your mother was standing on the front porch with her hands gently folded together." "Ronnie (my dad) something happened." She said almost embarrassed as if she had just bumped into the back of his car or something avoidable.
"I could tell right away" he told me." Ive seen many people who've had strokes before and your moms face was drooping down on her left side as she stood there, She said shed had a sharp headache along with dizziness and then she couldn't use her left arm hardly at all."
My dad has been a hospice Chaplin since I was a little kid. Hes an expert at communicating perfectly at the most challenging of times in peoples lives. I experienced that as he coached me through the situation. "Now her numbness may change. We wont know its full affects for several more days. Ill take her to the hospital and they'll do brain scans to tell us more of exactly what happened and where in her brain it took place. We are very blessed Sharon, often people don't survive strokes, or at best they are present, but never again with us in mind. Ill inform you as soon as I know more."
I layed all the way back onto the yard trying to decide how to feel. Do I feel scared? Sad? Grateful? I tried to take deep breaths as if I were gulping air to save my life. Finally I gave into all the what ifs that flooded my mind and I must have looked as though I was being electrocuted by my own yard. I remembered how fearfully my grandmother had looked at me in her hospital bed not knowing who I was, a moment I've chosen to forget. I feared the worst at the thought that my mother... MY MOM... the woman who brings you your life support in every way may never be the same. The woman I love most, gone in some ways forever.
"Jesus help. Help me decide now how you feel about what has happened!" I cried out needing to regain control, both in body and in spirit. "Sharon... do you see that tree over there?" Through watery eyes I saw the big oak across the street."Yes Lord. I see i.t" "I made that tree. With one word I spoke that tree and with one word I could make it move do you believe that?" I was breathing much deeper now as his peace started to rest upon me. "Yes Lord. I believe that's true." "Then how much more do I love your mother than you? I am able to do all things." He didn't say much or go into any personal depth, but I was so aware of his goodness, of his control in what seemed like a tragic event. It was such a sad and scary moment of 2014.
The brain scans that followed actually showed my mom had had 3 strokes, 1 of them being very very old, possibly from when she was a little girl. Days later I finally was able to speak to my mom on the phone. She sounded different. Tired. She was sleeping a lot, her brains way of trying to recover from the jolt. The nerves on her left side (arms,hand,fingers,face) remained numb for many months. She had the best attitude about it. "Apparently id had the strokes in my sleep doctors say, because I never even knew theyd happened. I guess if your gonna have a stroke that's the best way to do it." Shed say almost proud of herself as if it was her own clever idea. Dad was more honest with me than she was. Shes different hed say. In ways that don't really matter but different all the same. Time and days are hard for her to keep track of. She hangs the laundry in the closet with all the cloths facing right now instead of left. She folds my dress pants differently. He told me of changes that I should expect. Her memory was affected although only slightly from what I can tell. She wont be able to drive anymore (legally you cant for 1 year after a stroke if ever again) she wont be able to watch your nephew alone anymore while you sister works (This the most difficult by far. Her first grandchild now 2) Its not safe. She may forget and leave something dangerous out or not be able to pick him up. You can expect your mom to struggle with depression .Of all the things id researched, depression was the common enemy among all survivors although depression was no stranger to my mom.My heart could have never imagined what she told me next.
"Mom" I said over the phone wishing I wasn't 16 hours away. "How has today been?" I brace myself for the sound of sadness at her lack of independence. To feel like your body no longer works for you and I could only imagine the frustration she must feel. "Sharon, I loved today." "Loved?" I repeated sure I had heard her wrong. "Yes. loved." She went on for a very long time, explaining the hard times shed been having for decades before the stroke. My mom had had a difficult childhood and one could say the same for the early part of her married life. Shed always suffered from depression. Its hard to explain in such few words but, she had so much bitterness .Life was full of regrets and hard times that life felt dull to her. My mom waited for the day when shed be with the Lord. She longed for it in a way that was... at many times in my life sad and hurtful to me. No one would ever say that she was a woman full of life. But today she was.
I listened for hours as she told me about every sunrise shed sat and watched from the front porch since the stroke."I watched the tulip's in the front yard today as they woke up and followed the sun. I felt the coolness kiss my face as it dipped behind a cloud. I felt my hair blow across my face as though I was being kissed and I thought of God. How he has been kind to me to help me forget." I could hardly believe what she was saying. "I think this stroke was one of the best things that's happened to me.( said with a very slight slur) I cant remember the bad stuff anymore." and when she said it she said it in a way that sounded like she was free. Free in some beautiful way id never seen or heard her be free before.
Sometimes the stroke shows its captives. She used to have the most beautiful penmanship. Now what little she does write or sign in a card looks as though my daughter wrote it. I looked through my old shoe box full of letters from her when I moved away and hold them tight to my chest. This lovely cursive is my mothers, and I treasure now more than ever that my own is almost identical to hers.
They visited us 2 Septembers ago to meet for the first time their only granddaughter. I saw the look of total embracement on her face as I placed my daughter in her arms and she looked at me full of tears and said "Im so sorry. I cant remember her name." I kneeled in front of her and said "Oh good- then ill get to see your face when you hear it for the first time. (a moment I would have never had over the phone)We named her Finley." "Finley" She muttered as she closed her eyes gently and moved her mouth as if tasting something rich and sweet, then opened them. "I love it."
I don't know that iver ever told anyone this story before.I find myself writing this now because my spirit is so desperate to testify of Gods goodness. Were all in times of having difficulty,hardship and not knowing the future and yet God never changes. Only God can take a woman who felt no life and give her life through something satan intended for evil. I am remembering so many times of Gods goodness and faithfulness and... well... I think perhaps for me personally, its just time I told some people.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Healing & Wholeness
I keep writing posts and never publishing them. Life has moved so quickly these past few months leaving behind a trail of joy and sadness.
I kept holding out waiting in hope that my post would be a story about our new beautiful home, and we were as close as having a contract on a dream house when the bank called at the last hour changing a few requirements crushing any possiblitity. Its been a whirlwind of emotions. One door closing after another. Days after our loan fell through we sat in the kitchen with the couple who've so graciously hosted us for 5 months now (5 months!) and who have prayed along side us and we discussed the future. I asked with a weary heart and defeated hope "what would you tell me to do if I was your daughter." And the answer from them both was the same. "stay." "If you were my daughter id say stay. Be patient and don't rush. See the opportunity that you have in this situation and prepare your heart for the stretch." We could hardly believe that this couple could geniounly want us to share this season of life with them. But they pursued us for days that they truly did, and so I permitted the Lord to move both my mind and my emotions for this unexpected twist.
Were staying here through the end of this year and I am embracing a simplistic and minimalist life style. It did make my heart sad to know all my lovely things would be in storage for another 5 months, My worn leather sofa, frosted antique mirror, my awesome matress and bedding, and my pottery barn dished for entertaining. You see I am a homemaker. Im not great at a lot of things, but loving people through food,fellowship and seasonal decor is my language of love. I didn't realize how much comfort and identity I found in that until I wasn't doing it any more.
These past few months have had many ups and downs. Joy as my daughter turned 1 August 11th, incredible relief and then loss as we didn't get the house. Lots of celebrations as friends have gotten engaged and others who are expecting. Grief for dear friends who have said goodbye to there parents and at times pity for myself, and how yet another precious season of my life doesn't look at all how I thought it would. I had strep throat for 10 days, not allowing me to see finley since I had hallucinations with my 103' temp. Our pace of life has been too much too often and my faith and hope have taken a few hard punches. If I may just be totally honest and vulnerable with you for a minute(free of you mumbling "but shes a pastors wife" ) I wouldn't mind sharing a revelation the Lord gave me a few days ago.
You see I find myself stuffing my life. I noticed I started getting fixated on things that I just "needed" to make me feel better. One time it was nice makeup, a pair of shoes, cleaning the bathroom in this obsessive way, pressure to attend things I typically wouldn't. As if life wasn't busy enough in my free time I tried to stuff. Then one time I was climbing the stairs and The Lord said to me " How long are you going to try and ignore me?" "ignore you? im just busy.. I just..." I stopped in the hallway and thought of my reply "I just... "
Now if you know me then you know I have no problem just calling something what it is. I like to think the Lord loves this about our relationship because he is free to do the same without the work and complication of something hurting my feelings or needing much explanation. I love truth. and the trust was "I just... I just don't want to talk to you right now. Lord, you could have done something incredible for us and you chose not too and that's just hard for me right now without being able to understand the full picture." There I said it. I was angry, I was hurt, I was tired and I was still confused. So many questions. Why didn't you heal our friends father when you could have? Why couldn't we have that house? Why did you do that for that particular person and not for me? Now this doesn't change my love for him, nor my commitment, nor does it mean that I don't trust in the decision that he made. It means I didn't like it, and my flesh has got to go through the motions of being weak. I felt him walk away and give me the space requested. I continued my busyness for a few more days while he patiently permitted me to behave like the child that I am.
A few days had passed when unexpectedly the Lord whispers this to me "My love-don't be deceived. You think all these things will lead to wholeness, but I say, wholeness leads to healing."
I didn't really understand it when he said it,but even then its gentleness disarmed my heart immediately. I started to cry the kind of cry that feels good and makes you feel like your emotions are waking up again. You see I did have small wounds that needed to be mended, but I also still have big things in my life that I desperately want to Lord to "fix" for me, because if he would I believed that would make me feel whole and satisfied. But you see, that just simply isn't true. And I find that disappointing and incredible all at the same time.
We were created with a void inside us. A hole never intended to be filled except for by friendship with God.And you can stuff and stuff but nothing but that friendship will ever satisfy. It would be easier to just be able to fill that void with things.A career, money, the latest trends,a new relationship,marriage, a baby,a second baby, a house, recognition or sometimes just the business that comes with life. But it will always be a short lived moment of satisfaction and our hearts are quick to move on and be on the hunt for whats next. You know this is true. We all do it.
So instead of focusing on the healing or the "fixes" I so desperately want ive chosen to pursue the wholeness that can only be found in him. I repent and recarve out the time in my day to say "my satisfaction can only be found in you Jesus. And I am sick,broken and in need of your friendship in this world." And he talks to me, he realigns all that is misplaced and he mends me with his love and wisdom. I always feel the need to express to people how very normal I am. That just because im married to such an incredible leader and we are saturated in ministry doesn't mean that we don't feel the same things. Life is really hard at times, and we all have to be honest and fight to keep him our first love.
So that's whats new with us. I have a lot on my heart to share and like i said ive written a lot I just haven't shared. Im not sure why. I want to share the incredible beauty of having a daughter. Or that God is truelly God of fun and freedom. About him talking to me about seeing slaves everywhere he looks or perhaps the wildfires hes told me to keep an eye on so that I am not consumed as well. God wants to talk to us.He wants to talk to you.... you just need to stop fighting and rushing and listen. Let him move on you in a way that wakes up your soul and gives you life again. He says hes more than enough.
Sincerely,Sharon
I kept holding out waiting in hope that my post would be a story about our new beautiful home, and we were as close as having a contract on a dream house when the bank called at the last hour changing a few requirements crushing any possiblitity. Its been a whirlwind of emotions. One door closing after another. Days after our loan fell through we sat in the kitchen with the couple who've so graciously hosted us for 5 months now (5 months!) and who have prayed along side us and we discussed the future. I asked with a weary heart and defeated hope "what would you tell me to do if I was your daughter." And the answer from them both was the same. "stay." "If you were my daughter id say stay. Be patient and don't rush. See the opportunity that you have in this situation and prepare your heart for the stretch." We could hardly believe that this couple could geniounly want us to share this season of life with them. But they pursued us for days that they truly did, and so I permitted the Lord to move both my mind and my emotions for this unexpected twist.
Were staying here through the end of this year and I am embracing a simplistic and minimalist life style. It did make my heart sad to know all my lovely things would be in storage for another 5 months, My worn leather sofa, frosted antique mirror, my awesome matress and bedding, and my pottery barn dished for entertaining. You see I am a homemaker. Im not great at a lot of things, but loving people through food,fellowship and seasonal decor is my language of love. I didn't realize how much comfort and identity I found in that until I wasn't doing it any more.
These past few months have had many ups and downs. Joy as my daughter turned 1 August 11th, incredible relief and then loss as we didn't get the house. Lots of celebrations as friends have gotten engaged and others who are expecting. Grief for dear friends who have said goodbye to there parents and at times pity for myself, and how yet another precious season of my life doesn't look at all how I thought it would. I had strep throat for 10 days, not allowing me to see finley since I had hallucinations with my 103' temp. Our pace of life has been too much too often and my faith and hope have taken a few hard punches. If I may just be totally honest and vulnerable with you for a minute(free of you mumbling "but shes a pastors wife" ) I wouldn't mind sharing a revelation the Lord gave me a few days ago.
You see I find myself stuffing my life. I noticed I started getting fixated on things that I just "needed" to make me feel better. One time it was nice makeup, a pair of shoes, cleaning the bathroom in this obsessive way, pressure to attend things I typically wouldn't. As if life wasn't busy enough in my free time I tried to stuff. Then one time I was climbing the stairs and The Lord said to me " How long are you going to try and ignore me?" "ignore you? im just busy.. I just..." I stopped in the hallway and thought of my reply "I just... "
Now if you know me then you know I have no problem just calling something what it is. I like to think the Lord loves this about our relationship because he is free to do the same without the work and complication of something hurting my feelings or needing much explanation. I love truth. and the trust was "I just... I just don't want to talk to you right now. Lord, you could have done something incredible for us and you chose not too and that's just hard for me right now without being able to understand the full picture." There I said it. I was angry, I was hurt, I was tired and I was still confused. So many questions. Why didn't you heal our friends father when you could have? Why couldn't we have that house? Why did you do that for that particular person and not for me? Now this doesn't change my love for him, nor my commitment, nor does it mean that I don't trust in the decision that he made. It means I didn't like it, and my flesh has got to go through the motions of being weak. I felt him walk away and give me the space requested. I continued my busyness for a few more days while he patiently permitted me to behave like the child that I am.
A few days had passed when unexpectedly the Lord whispers this to me "My love-don't be deceived. You think all these things will lead to wholeness, but I say, wholeness leads to healing."
I didn't really understand it when he said it,but even then its gentleness disarmed my heart immediately. I started to cry the kind of cry that feels good and makes you feel like your emotions are waking up again. You see I did have small wounds that needed to be mended, but I also still have big things in my life that I desperately want to Lord to "fix" for me, because if he would I believed that would make me feel whole and satisfied. But you see, that just simply isn't true. And I find that disappointing and incredible all at the same time.
We were created with a void inside us. A hole never intended to be filled except for by friendship with God.And you can stuff and stuff but nothing but that friendship will ever satisfy. It would be easier to just be able to fill that void with things.A career, money, the latest trends,a new relationship,marriage, a baby,a second baby, a house, recognition or sometimes just the business that comes with life. But it will always be a short lived moment of satisfaction and our hearts are quick to move on and be on the hunt for whats next. You know this is true. We all do it.
So instead of focusing on the healing or the "fixes" I so desperately want ive chosen to pursue the wholeness that can only be found in him. I repent and recarve out the time in my day to say "my satisfaction can only be found in you Jesus. And I am sick,broken and in need of your friendship in this world." And he talks to me, he realigns all that is misplaced and he mends me with his love and wisdom. I always feel the need to express to people how very normal I am. That just because im married to such an incredible leader and we are saturated in ministry doesn't mean that we don't feel the same things. Life is really hard at times, and we all have to be honest and fight to keep him our first love.
So that's whats new with us. I have a lot on my heart to share and like i said ive written a lot I just haven't shared. Im not sure why. I want to share the incredible beauty of having a daughter. Or that God is truelly God of fun and freedom. About him talking to me about seeing slaves everywhere he looks or perhaps the wildfires hes told me to keep an eye on so that I am not consumed as well. God wants to talk to us.He wants to talk to you.... you just need to stop fighting and rushing and listen. Let him move on you in a way that wakes up your soul and gives you life again. He says hes more than enough.
Sincerely,Sharon
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
One Day...
Something wonderful happened the other day. The college group had just found their places on the couch Wednesday night and Ferrill began to speak and share a few announcements and out of no where, without any introduction or small talk at all I hear the Lord say this beautiful thing to me. "Sharon, one day you're going to lay your head on my chest." ......
These words shattered my heart like a brick going through a window. I sat their amongst them all trying to blend in while tears streamed down my face. How wonderfully unexpected these words were to my heart. I let them roll around inside my mouth before I muttered them to myself "One day you get to lay your head on my chest." no no my spirit said, that isn't what he said. You're right, "one day ill let you lay your head on my chest." No, you're saying it wrong. I thought about this for a while. what was I getting wrong? The statement was simple "im going too" not, I GET TOO,or ILL LET you. To say either of these would imply that the pleasure would be all mine. But he didn't say that. He'd said "one day you're going too." The pleasure would be his as well as mine.
Its been weeks since he said that and my heart is still tender to this truth. A promise of one day and a glimpse into the future that is to come. But for some reason this statement goes beyond its obvious beauty. It makes my heart flutter in a way that I've been trying to understand, when today I think I was able to tie a string to perhaps why this is so profound to me. This idea of laying my head on his chest, looks like the picture of a father daughter relationship to me. I've been blessed to have parents still married and who love me, but my dad is not an affectionate father (I don't say any of this for even a shred of sympathy. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad, but this is how I saw it) you see my dad never hugged, or kissed or said I love you. My family is as unaffectionate as they come and yet I married into a VERY affectionate and close nit family. Affection has been something so uncomfortable to me that while dating Ferrill, one time he hugged me for what felt like forever,and when he drove away I cried because it felt so foreign to me, and I cried because I knew it shouldn't. The first several years of our marriage felt like a different world, full of cards, and meaningful texts and holidays full of sweet traditions. If I am ever warm to you in any way it is because Jesus has been warm to me and so has my husband and his beautiful family. I like the person their hugs have made me into.
I cant imagine what it would be like to rest my head on my heavenly father. I found myself dreaming today of what that might be like. I have found in his so much freedom. Freedom to rest, freedom to hope and dream, freedom to love and perhaps most importantly (to me personally) freedom to fail. Love,rest,hope.... these things all come freely but not necessarily easy for me to operate in, but failure, failure is easy to do. I think of all the times and areas I have failed in. Some personal and some public. I think of times and moments I failed in purity, in both the heart and in the flesh. I think of tasks never completed, promises never kept, and beautiful testimonies never shared. I think of my sins and how I will always be a sinner. But in his embrace their is freedom to fail. It was expected and accepted. He throws his blanket of mercy over us as we cozy up and I learn to become comfortable knowing that I will fail a lot in this life. He is truly the father of love. He is the father who responds appropriately in every situation, takes his time to teach what's needed to mature, and he is a father who gives the best gifts to his children. He is a father who sacrificed greatly out of love and kindness while I was behaving like a pig rolling around in mud. He calls his children to himself and his voice is full of peace and safety. One day, I will see him. My goal in this life is to make the transition from here to heaven as smooth as possible. What I mean by this is, sometimes i'll drive a long ways to get to my friends house and sometimes we talk on the phone the whole way until I get there and I hang up only when I get to the front step because we can actually talk in person now. I plan to make it like that. I believe that closeness is possible.
As this day comes to an end I feel... secure. As my body rests after another day of living in a world that tries to seduce me, I can lay my head down on my pillow and dream that its him, and how wonderful that day will be.
So where are we on the house thing you asked? well,a wild thing has happened only as of a few days ago. Our living arrangement now (here in our friends home) is full of ease and grace and fun if I dare say so. But the Lord is up to something that im not quit ready to share yet. But he is good, always faithful, and very impressive. Goodnight to you all dear friends. I hope to have a wonderful house story coming soon. xoxo
These words shattered my heart like a brick going through a window. I sat their amongst them all trying to blend in while tears streamed down my face. How wonderfully unexpected these words were to my heart. I let them roll around inside my mouth before I muttered them to myself "One day you get to lay your head on my chest." no no my spirit said, that isn't what he said. You're right, "one day ill let you lay your head on my chest." No, you're saying it wrong. I thought about this for a while. what was I getting wrong? The statement was simple "im going too" not, I GET TOO,or ILL LET you. To say either of these would imply that the pleasure would be all mine. But he didn't say that. He'd said "one day you're going too." The pleasure would be his as well as mine.
Its been weeks since he said that and my heart is still tender to this truth. A promise of one day and a glimpse into the future that is to come. But for some reason this statement goes beyond its obvious beauty. It makes my heart flutter in a way that I've been trying to understand, when today I think I was able to tie a string to perhaps why this is so profound to me. This idea of laying my head on his chest, looks like the picture of a father daughter relationship to me. I've been blessed to have parents still married and who love me, but my dad is not an affectionate father (I don't say any of this for even a shred of sympathy. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad, but this is how I saw it) you see my dad never hugged, or kissed or said I love you. My family is as unaffectionate as they come and yet I married into a VERY affectionate and close nit family. Affection has been something so uncomfortable to me that while dating Ferrill, one time he hugged me for what felt like forever,and when he drove away I cried because it felt so foreign to me, and I cried because I knew it shouldn't. The first several years of our marriage felt like a different world, full of cards, and meaningful texts and holidays full of sweet traditions. If I am ever warm to you in any way it is because Jesus has been warm to me and so has my husband and his beautiful family. I like the person their hugs have made me into.
I cant imagine what it would be like to rest my head on my heavenly father. I found myself dreaming today of what that might be like. I have found in his so much freedom. Freedom to rest, freedom to hope and dream, freedom to love and perhaps most importantly (to me personally) freedom to fail. Love,rest,hope.... these things all come freely but not necessarily easy for me to operate in, but failure, failure is easy to do. I think of all the times and areas I have failed in. Some personal and some public. I think of times and moments I failed in purity, in both the heart and in the flesh. I think of tasks never completed, promises never kept, and beautiful testimonies never shared. I think of my sins and how I will always be a sinner. But in his embrace their is freedom to fail. It was expected and accepted. He throws his blanket of mercy over us as we cozy up and I learn to become comfortable knowing that I will fail a lot in this life. He is truly the father of love. He is the father who responds appropriately in every situation, takes his time to teach what's needed to mature, and he is a father who gives the best gifts to his children. He is a father who sacrificed greatly out of love and kindness while I was behaving like a pig rolling around in mud. He calls his children to himself and his voice is full of peace and safety. One day, I will see him. My goal in this life is to make the transition from here to heaven as smooth as possible. What I mean by this is, sometimes i'll drive a long ways to get to my friends house and sometimes we talk on the phone the whole way until I get there and I hang up only when I get to the front step because we can actually talk in person now. I plan to make it like that. I believe that closeness is possible.
As this day comes to an end I feel... secure. As my body rests after another day of living in a world that tries to seduce me, I can lay my head down on my pillow and dream that its him, and how wonderful that day will be.
So where are we on the house thing you asked? well,a wild thing has happened only as of a few days ago. Our living arrangement now (here in our friends home) is full of ease and grace and fun if I dare say so. But the Lord is up to something that im not quit ready to share yet. But he is good, always faithful, and very impressive. Goodnight to you all dear friends. I hope to have a wonderful house story coming soon. xoxo
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Away We Go
So I have retyped this post now at least 3 times. How is it possible I have so much to share since its only been a month since my last emotional outburst. Ooooops... I mean blog. well I do have crazy stuff to tell those of you who are curious. By the way I do appreciate that you take the time to read these things. I enjoy writing but I really enjoy documenting things. I cant tell you how many times I've gone back to re-read old journals or old posts and find it so encouraging to see where we were and where we are now and all that the Lord has been so faithful to do.
okay here we go. So we started looking at rentals right away. The first 2 we pursued were total scams! They wanted us to transfer funds to their bank and THEN they'd mail us a key to view the property blah blah blah. And then we found this great house. When I say great I mean it was in our budget with the space we needed and in a decent neighborhood. It didn't move my heart but I suppose not everything in life has too. So we contacted that management company filled out our application and waited, and waited ,and waited and nothing. We never got a call back from the owner, he never returned my emails etc. So strange right! And it hadn't rented out to anyone, its just sitting empty. I didn't know if this house was "the " house for us so I just always said "Lord your will be done" because I'm not sure if this is resistance or you not wanting us to be there. At this point I'm feeling pretty discouraged and frustrated. So lets fast forward to Sunday a week ago.
Ferrill wakes me up at 4am to tell me this dream he'd just had. Ferrill doesn't have dreams often but when he does weird things start happening. ( some of you may understand what I mean by this and some of you may not) he goes on to tell me in this dream a woman from church comes to him and says "I'm worried about you and Sharon taking on more than you can handle by renting a house." right after that another woman from church comes up to him and says " The Lord wants me to paint a landscape of your life and He says its the verse I used to pray over my oldest son when he was a baby." Ferrill then wakes up and is overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord in our room. Well the next day he calls this second woman from our church that was in the dream and tells it to her. She said "My son is 35, how would I ever remember 1 verse I prayed over him?!" She says she had a journal at home somewhere that she would write in while she was pregnant with him and she would see if there were any verses in it that could help. 3 hours later she calls and says "you're never going to believe this but their is one verse in that whole journal and its Isaiah 52:13." That verse says See, my servant shall act wisely. He will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted!
Whoa crazy right. So the next 3 days I would hear Ferrill all day long praying "Lord give me your servant wisdom. Be exalted in our lives and in this situation were in." On Wednesday he calls me and says, as he's been praying he feels like the Lord is showing him that he wants us to buy a house and not rent! oh geeez I thought. It had been only about a year since we sold our home in Kansas city and I couldn't believe he was even open to the idea. We had to do a short sale and it wasn't an easy process by any means. We both continued praying and once again id just say to the Lord "your will be done" I hadn't even thought of buying a house! That same day he contacts a realtor to see if it would even be possible. She tells us their is a slim chance, but would love to help us. You could literally feel her cringe when we told her we needed to be out of our place by April 1st." I Mean, it could happen but the chances are so slim." So ferrill prayed some more. Then he called me again. "I feel like the Lord has shown me a family in our church that we should ask to stay with while were waiting out the process of buying. I'm going to call them to see if they can meet today and discuss it." I was thinking this was all pretty crazy at this point. Within hours we had gone from looking at rentals to hoping to buy and move in with someone! And it was all coming from what the Lord was sharing with my husband (which I will say was quite sexy, but also slightly stressful) I was really going to have to believe and trust in both my husband and God if this was really going to happen.
So The wife of the couple comes to church before service Wednesday to talk with Ferrill in his office. He goes on to tell her about the dream and that he feels like the Lord had a home for us to own and not rent. She quickly asks Ferrill "Are you about to ask if you and Sharon can move into our house?" He smiles and says "why yes... yes I was." And she starts laughing. Apparently that morning during prayer the Lord had already spoken to her and said "The Gallaways are going to be staying with you for a while." And although she hadn't expected the conversation to come up so quickly, nor why we would be needing to stay she was prepared with her reply, which was yes. Ferrill called me back and just like that a plan was in place. Of course we met over lunch with the couple to discuss details but clearly the Lord was up to something. My husband is practically radiating faith for us right now and our household has been consumed with peace ever since. So... we are moving in with them in about 2 weeks, by then we will hopefully know what loan we can get and will pursue looking for a place. I will say even the idea of owning a home again goes beyond what I could have hoped the Lord to do for us. whether its a fast transition or one that takes the next year or so I'm always amazed at the Lords desire to bless us.
How do I feel about all this? Well, The Lords been speaking to me about being a whole hearted servant. When he asked me the other day if I thought I was one, I easily said yes, duh. Then when I studied what it really meant (which is to without any reservation or delay, attend to the Lord) I remembered back on all the times the Lord had spoke to me to do what he desired. To marry...to move many times... to become pastors...to adopt a baby, and I couldn't think of a single time I did any of these things without reservation or delaying. Every stinking time my heart was reluctant to do what I knew he was asking me to do, but the results were always the same. He always made a way, he always provided, he always blessed us. So now having been made aware of this about myself I don't want to just be obedient to him, but I want to participate without any reservations! To simply obey is good, but their is an even better way, one that requires the heart to invest fully. And if that's buying a home or adopting another baby or moving overseas I want to be excited about his plan because it is so perfect and so good. That's how I feel.
I was at a friends house for dinner last night and I was tossing sweet Finley up in the air and it was so sweet how shed just relax and giggle as I caught her every time. We both thought isn't it so wild and beautiful how trusting babies are. If Jesus himself were tossing me up in the air id be saying, "don't drop me don't drop me!" but I'm sure all Finley felt was "I trust you I trust you I trust you!" and I want to be more like that. I can trust God, and I will trust Him. Id be a fool not too. So that's the scoop . Be praying for us as we transition into the great unknown. Pray for a supernatural loan and a home that radiates another testimony of his greatness. Your will be done Lord.
Until next time. xoxo -Sharon
okay here we go. So we started looking at rentals right away. The first 2 we pursued were total scams! They wanted us to transfer funds to their bank and THEN they'd mail us a key to view the property blah blah blah. And then we found this great house. When I say great I mean it was in our budget with the space we needed and in a decent neighborhood. It didn't move my heart but I suppose not everything in life has too. So we contacted that management company filled out our application and waited, and waited ,and waited and nothing. We never got a call back from the owner, he never returned my emails etc. So strange right! And it hadn't rented out to anyone, its just sitting empty. I didn't know if this house was "the " house for us so I just always said "Lord your will be done" because I'm not sure if this is resistance or you not wanting us to be there. At this point I'm feeling pretty discouraged and frustrated. So lets fast forward to Sunday a week ago.
Ferrill wakes me up at 4am to tell me this dream he'd just had. Ferrill doesn't have dreams often but when he does weird things start happening. ( some of you may understand what I mean by this and some of you may not) he goes on to tell me in this dream a woman from church comes to him and says "I'm worried about you and Sharon taking on more than you can handle by renting a house." right after that another woman from church comes up to him and says " The Lord wants me to paint a landscape of your life and He says its the verse I used to pray over my oldest son when he was a baby." Ferrill then wakes up and is overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord in our room. Well the next day he calls this second woman from our church that was in the dream and tells it to her. She said "My son is 35, how would I ever remember 1 verse I prayed over him?!" She says she had a journal at home somewhere that she would write in while she was pregnant with him and she would see if there were any verses in it that could help. 3 hours later she calls and says "you're never going to believe this but their is one verse in that whole journal and its Isaiah 52:13." That verse says See, my servant shall act wisely. He will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted!
Whoa crazy right. So the next 3 days I would hear Ferrill all day long praying "Lord give me your servant wisdom. Be exalted in our lives and in this situation were in." On Wednesday he calls me and says, as he's been praying he feels like the Lord is showing him that he wants us to buy a house and not rent! oh geeez I thought. It had been only about a year since we sold our home in Kansas city and I couldn't believe he was even open to the idea. We had to do a short sale and it wasn't an easy process by any means. We both continued praying and once again id just say to the Lord "your will be done" I hadn't even thought of buying a house! That same day he contacts a realtor to see if it would even be possible. She tells us their is a slim chance, but would love to help us. You could literally feel her cringe when we told her we needed to be out of our place by April 1st." I Mean, it could happen but the chances are so slim." So ferrill prayed some more. Then he called me again. "I feel like the Lord has shown me a family in our church that we should ask to stay with while were waiting out the process of buying. I'm going to call them to see if they can meet today and discuss it." I was thinking this was all pretty crazy at this point. Within hours we had gone from looking at rentals to hoping to buy and move in with someone! And it was all coming from what the Lord was sharing with my husband (which I will say was quite sexy, but also slightly stressful) I was really going to have to believe and trust in both my husband and God if this was really going to happen.
So The wife of the couple comes to church before service Wednesday to talk with Ferrill in his office. He goes on to tell her about the dream and that he feels like the Lord had a home for us to own and not rent. She quickly asks Ferrill "Are you about to ask if you and Sharon can move into our house?" He smiles and says "why yes... yes I was." And she starts laughing. Apparently that morning during prayer the Lord had already spoken to her and said "The Gallaways are going to be staying with you for a while." And although she hadn't expected the conversation to come up so quickly, nor why we would be needing to stay she was prepared with her reply, which was yes. Ferrill called me back and just like that a plan was in place. Of course we met over lunch with the couple to discuss details but clearly the Lord was up to something. My husband is practically radiating faith for us right now and our household has been consumed with peace ever since. So... we are moving in with them in about 2 weeks, by then we will hopefully know what loan we can get and will pursue looking for a place. I will say even the idea of owning a home again goes beyond what I could have hoped the Lord to do for us. whether its a fast transition or one that takes the next year or so I'm always amazed at the Lords desire to bless us.
How do I feel about all this? Well, The Lords been speaking to me about being a whole hearted servant. When he asked me the other day if I thought I was one, I easily said yes, duh. Then when I studied what it really meant (which is to without any reservation or delay, attend to the Lord) I remembered back on all the times the Lord had spoke to me to do what he desired. To marry...to move many times... to become pastors...to adopt a baby, and I couldn't think of a single time I did any of these things without reservation or delaying. Every stinking time my heart was reluctant to do what I knew he was asking me to do, but the results were always the same. He always made a way, he always provided, he always blessed us. So now having been made aware of this about myself I don't want to just be obedient to him, but I want to participate without any reservations! To simply obey is good, but their is an even better way, one that requires the heart to invest fully. And if that's buying a home or adopting another baby or moving overseas I want to be excited about his plan because it is so perfect and so good. That's how I feel.
I was at a friends house for dinner last night and I was tossing sweet Finley up in the air and it was so sweet how shed just relax and giggle as I caught her every time. We both thought isn't it so wild and beautiful how trusting babies are. If Jesus himself were tossing me up in the air id be saying, "don't drop me don't drop me!" but I'm sure all Finley felt was "I trust you I trust you I trust you!" and I want to be more like that. I can trust God, and I will trust Him. Id be a fool not too. So that's the scoop . Be praying for us as we transition into the great unknown. Pray for a supernatural loan and a home that radiates another testimony of his greatness. Your will be done Lord.
Until next time. xoxo -Sharon
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Moving On
About a week ago Ferrill calls me from the office "I don't really know how to put this so im just gonna come out and say it. Our landlord would like us to move out by April 1st."
Now for most of you that don't know ferrill and I have been blessed to rent a very modest 950 square foot home since moving to Florida. Its inexpensive rent has been the thing that has allowed us to save for our adoption, to pay off any small miscellaneous debts we've had and allowed me the joy of staying home with Finley worry free. It was a surprise that took a day or 2 to process. The situation is 100% understandable and right. The landlord would have the great privilege of blessing his daughter and soon to be son in-law with the home that was his mothers. It will be the same blessing for them as it has been for us. No anger or hurt feelings have been felt.
A lot is changing around here. Its a new year that's already come with new roles and responsibilities at church. Weve been doing college ministry in our home every week and its growing requiring more space than we have. Things in court finalized in December and a stable address matching all the paperwork is no longer needed. It is the ideal time for change I suppose.
This is the part that surprises me though. I have very little faith in this situation. (I don't know why im even telling you this. Its embarrassing and not something im proud of) But true. My heart is a tug of war between having hope and desires for our next place and being very realistic about our situation. The feelings I keep choking down are that well have to pay hundreds more a month than we do now for half the space. The next place wont allow me to paint or do yard work that is to me what makes a place feel like a home.(because im a country girl and their are no condos in the country) That I will need to find consistent part time work. That to accommodate what we need and what we can afford will mean living even further away from the church than we do. I say all this realizing we all go through things like this, as we move, have more children, change jobs or lose jobs. This is life. Im disappointed in myself that after everything we've gone through... I still don't fully put every ounce of trust I have in the Lord. This is the real problem. Not the living situation but the condition of my heart. This about myself is what worries me most.
This is still something im processing and looking into. What happened? Im that girl that believes God cares about the little things and does them just for a good laugh. I know things that in life really don't matter, matter to him and he ravishes his love on us. So why would my God care about those things and not the bigger like finding a home? Did I not wake up to a healthy daughter this morning that was a total miracle from him? Did he not always have every situation covered before it occurred? Why is God so relentless with this faith stuff and learning to trust in him. (deeeeeeeep sigh) Im such a brat.
So last night I walked into Finley's room which is one area of our house that is just totally saturated with the presence of God. (makes since with all the prayer and tears spent in there these past few years) and immediately I sit in front of her bed and start crying. As woman we often just need to let those emotions flow before we can really see what's going on. I was happy it was here and not in target which is another place the presence of God is. Its always pure bliss to finally be that mom wearing workout cloths (although I didn't work out and im sure 99% of those other chicks didn't either) and order my latte while shopping for shoes or baby stuff. Anyway back to what I was saying... I cried in her room and just emptied myself. Perhaps being asked to leave did hurt a little, perhaps it made me sad to hear God saying it was time to move on. Time for a new undiscovered season. Time to dig another well in my heart and let him teach me something new and beautiful.
The response I got from him was this.
" It is you that makes what I wanted to be an advantage, something complicated. I tell you not to worry and instead of you being thankful for that portion as my child you call it foolish and unwise. You say you are upset that you "didn't save more while you had the chance" when what you really mean is im uncomfortable relying on you once again as my sole provider. But even now my grace is with you. I take no offense to your nonsense and am always amazed at how even though you have yet to see me face to face-you believe that I am God"
At this point I lift my head to see if ive wakened Finley with all this crying. She sleeps peacefully. I look at her flawless face and adore everything about her. The Lord says
"Your daughter does not worry about where she will live or what she will eat, did I not tell you to do the same? And to be like them? She fully trusts in you without fear or concern and as much as your heart feels heavy to care for her, my heart feels that so much more. I had many things going on behind the scenes with her that you were totally and blissfully unaware of until one perfect day when my plan was made known to you. And so it will be with this. "
I layed there and accepted this truth (that's not true.. I wallered in it like a filthy pig wanting every inch of me to be covered in its goodness)
I don't know why im saying all of this, although writing is a personal self help for me. Perhap I don't mind people seeing my low points because many people have this idea of what it must be like being a pastor. We "have it so good" and I know many of you think this because you've sent me house listings where the rent is $1200-$1500+ which is almost twice our budget,and its true we love what we do, but im no more saved than you are, and very few people get to see behind the curtains of a pastors life. Where you work super hard and sacrifice a lot, cry more than most people, carry heavy burdens and where God is relentless on this thing called faith,because to be in the position youre in means its already been tested and found true. So this will be know different im sure. At least when he does it youll see just how undeserving I am. The girl that has faith for $30,000 and an overnight adoption but isn't sure about where to live. Its humbling.
Ill let you know where we end up since we have only a few shorts weeks before we know. Aren't you curious to see what happens now? yea,me too.
Now for most of you that don't know ferrill and I have been blessed to rent a very modest 950 square foot home since moving to Florida. Its inexpensive rent has been the thing that has allowed us to save for our adoption, to pay off any small miscellaneous debts we've had and allowed me the joy of staying home with Finley worry free. It was a surprise that took a day or 2 to process. The situation is 100% understandable and right. The landlord would have the great privilege of blessing his daughter and soon to be son in-law with the home that was his mothers. It will be the same blessing for them as it has been for us. No anger or hurt feelings have been felt.
A lot is changing around here. Its a new year that's already come with new roles and responsibilities at church. Weve been doing college ministry in our home every week and its growing requiring more space than we have. Things in court finalized in December and a stable address matching all the paperwork is no longer needed. It is the ideal time for change I suppose.
This is the part that surprises me though. I have very little faith in this situation. (I don't know why im even telling you this. Its embarrassing and not something im proud of) But true. My heart is a tug of war between having hope and desires for our next place and being very realistic about our situation. The feelings I keep choking down are that well have to pay hundreds more a month than we do now for half the space. The next place wont allow me to paint or do yard work that is to me what makes a place feel like a home.(because im a country girl and their are no condos in the country) That I will need to find consistent part time work. That to accommodate what we need and what we can afford will mean living even further away from the church than we do. I say all this realizing we all go through things like this, as we move, have more children, change jobs or lose jobs. This is life. Im disappointed in myself that after everything we've gone through... I still don't fully put every ounce of trust I have in the Lord. This is the real problem. Not the living situation but the condition of my heart. This about myself is what worries me most.
This is still something im processing and looking into. What happened? Im that girl that believes God cares about the little things and does them just for a good laugh. I know things that in life really don't matter, matter to him and he ravishes his love on us. So why would my God care about those things and not the bigger like finding a home? Did I not wake up to a healthy daughter this morning that was a total miracle from him? Did he not always have every situation covered before it occurred? Why is God so relentless with this faith stuff and learning to trust in him. (deeeeeeeep sigh) Im such a brat.
So last night I walked into Finley's room which is one area of our house that is just totally saturated with the presence of God. (makes since with all the prayer and tears spent in there these past few years) and immediately I sit in front of her bed and start crying. As woman we often just need to let those emotions flow before we can really see what's going on. I was happy it was here and not in target which is another place the presence of God is. Its always pure bliss to finally be that mom wearing workout cloths (although I didn't work out and im sure 99% of those other chicks didn't either) and order my latte while shopping for shoes or baby stuff. Anyway back to what I was saying... I cried in her room and just emptied myself. Perhaps being asked to leave did hurt a little, perhaps it made me sad to hear God saying it was time to move on. Time for a new undiscovered season. Time to dig another well in my heart and let him teach me something new and beautiful.
The response I got from him was this.
" It is you that makes what I wanted to be an advantage, something complicated. I tell you not to worry and instead of you being thankful for that portion as my child you call it foolish and unwise. You say you are upset that you "didn't save more while you had the chance" when what you really mean is im uncomfortable relying on you once again as my sole provider. But even now my grace is with you. I take no offense to your nonsense and am always amazed at how even though you have yet to see me face to face-you believe that I am God"
At this point I lift my head to see if ive wakened Finley with all this crying. She sleeps peacefully. I look at her flawless face and adore everything about her. The Lord says
"Your daughter does not worry about where she will live or what she will eat, did I not tell you to do the same? And to be like them? She fully trusts in you without fear or concern and as much as your heart feels heavy to care for her, my heart feels that so much more. I had many things going on behind the scenes with her that you were totally and blissfully unaware of until one perfect day when my plan was made known to you. And so it will be with this. "
I layed there and accepted this truth (that's not true.. I wallered in it like a filthy pig wanting every inch of me to be covered in its goodness)
I don't know why im saying all of this, although writing is a personal self help for me. Perhap I don't mind people seeing my low points because many people have this idea of what it must be like being a pastor. We "have it so good" and I know many of you think this because you've sent me house listings where the rent is $1200-$1500+ which is almost twice our budget,and its true we love what we do, but im no more saved than you are, and very few people get to see behind the curtains of a pastors life. Where you work super hard and sacrifice a lot, cry more than most people, carry heavy burdens and where God is relentless on this thing called faith,because to be in the position youre in means its already been tested and found true. So this will be know different im sure. At least when he does it youll see just how undeserving I am. The girl that has faith for $30,000 and an overnight adoption but isn't sure about where to live. Its humbling.
Ill let you know where we end up since we have only a few shorts weeks before we know. Aren't you curious to see what happens now? yea,me too.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Once & For All
Yesterday was the day we finalized the adoption in court. The night before I couldn't sleep. I wasn't nervous I was just curious to know what that day would feel like. The morning came full of peace and ease. Finley was in the best of moods as we scooped her out of her bed and brought her into ours for the morning. Ferrill and I lay there looking at each other while she cooed and said to one another "we did it. The day is finally here." We sipped coffee with a side of victory.
At 11:20 we were sworn in by the judge stating our names, address and that we are responsible for caring for now baby "Gallaway" and no longer her previous name. It was a moment of great pride as we replied a firm yes to their questions. "Do you understand your obligations to this child as of this day forward?" "Yes." "Do you understand this child will be able to inherit as if your own nature born child?"Yes" To be honest it all happened in a flash. The judge stamped loudly our paperwork, we took a few pictures and we were done. Just like that, we were finally done. Finley managed to stay awake for the appearance and passed out immediately afterwards. We walked down the long long hallways of the courthouse to leave as I heald her and I felt as though a heavy coat was being taken off of me. suddenly my pace felt a little quicker than before, my heart freer than it had been. It felt official finally. Perhaps somewhere in my mind layed a seed of concern that someone may show up and undue this beautiful thing .That my new family was still in jeopardy. But no one and nothing did. And today began a brand new day. Today is the first day that after one and a half years I am no longer "in the process of adoption." Today and for the rest of my life I am the mother to a beautiful girl named Ms. Finley Elizabeth Gallaway.
As if everyday doesn't have its own special moments, ive grown fond of having specific ones. Ill be someplace were suddenly I vividly remember being there before while my heart was going through all its troubles. One in particular is in my back yard sitting in a lawn chair staring up into a tree looking to find a raccoon I named Craig. When id left my previous job to start staying home with the april baby and it didn't wok out I would sit out there for hours watching that silly raccoon. Feeling mostly pathetic that this was what my great adventure had come too and trying to keep my mind off of the situation. Only the other day I took a minute to relax in that chair,I looked up searching for Craig whod left my tree for a better one months ago and I had a flash back to that time only to have it swiftly swept away by the faint cries of a waking babe. I pause to take in those special redeeming moments and give thanks.
Last New Years I journaled a promise from the Lord. He told me "at the end of this year you will laugh." So many times this one phrase was the hope I held onto, when things got bad id often look to the sky and mumble "im not laughing God!" his quick rebuttal was always "then it isn't over yet." I hope her presence in my life always reminds me to choose to say yes to what God is asking of me, knowing that he has this INCREDIBLE and perfect plan that I can trust in. I could have said no. That though is sickening to me. God would have allowed me to say no and I would have missed out on all of this. I hope when the next task comes (because it certainly will) that he finds my heart eagerly waiting and ready ,allowing his perfect love to cast out any fear.
So this is the end you guys (and really the beginning) but you know what I mean. I don't know when i'll write or share publicly like this again. (oh dear. im tearing up... wow I didn't see this coming) its just how can I possibly thank you enough. For your time,for your thoughts and prayers? For your giving? For your interest in us at all. Many of you walked with us through this and often I found comfort in your words and in your friendship. Thank you for everything, from the bottom of my heart,thank you.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most o us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing ,and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.This is a friend who cares. -Henry JM Nouwen
The End.
At 11:20 we were sworn in by the judge stating our names, address and that we are responsible for caring for now baby "Gallaway" and no longer her previous name. It was a moment of great pride as we replied a firm yes to their questions. "Do you understand your obligations to this child as of this day forward?" "Yes." "Do you understand this child will be able to inherit as if your own nature born child?"Yes" To be honest it all happened in a flash. The judge stamped loudly our paperwork, we took a few pictures and we were done. Just like that, we were finally done. Finley managed to stay awake for the appearance and passed out immediately afterwards. We walked down the long long hallways of the courthouse to leave as I heald her and I felt as though a heavy coat was being taken off of me. suddenly my pace felt a little quicker than before, my heart freer than it had been. It felt official finally. Perhaps somewhere in my mind layed a seed of concern that someone may show up and undue this beautiful thing .That my new family was still in jeopardy. But no one and nothing did. And today began a brand new day. Today is the first day that after one and a half years I am no longer "in the process of adoption." Today and for the rest of my life I am the mother to a beautiful girl named Ms. Finley Elizabeth Gallaway.
As if everyday doesn't have its own special moments, ive grown fond of having specific ones. Ill be someplace were suddenly I vividly remember being there before while my heart was going through all its troubles. One in particular is in my back yard sitting in a lawn chair staring up into a tree looking to find a raccoon I named Craig. When id left my previous job to start staying home with the april baby and it didn't wok out I would sit out there for hours watching that silly raccoon. Feeling mostly pathetic that this was what my great adventure had come too and trying to keep my mind off of the situation. Only the other day I took a minute to relax in that chair,I looked up searching for Craig whod left my tree for a better one months ago and I had a flash back to that time only to have it swiftly swept away by the faint cries of a waking babe. I pause to take in those special redeeming moments and give thanks.
Last New Years I journaled a promise from the Lord. He told me "at the end of this year you will laugh." So many times this one phrase was the hope I held onto, when things got bad id often look to the sky and mumble "im not laughing God!" his quick rebuttal was always "then it isn't over yet." I hope her presence in my life always reminds me to choose to say yes to what God is asking of me, knowing that he has this INCREDIBLE and perfect plan that I can trust in. I could have said no. That though is sickening to me. God would have allowed me to say no and I would have missed out on all of this. I hope when the next task comes (because it certainly will) that he finds my heart eagerly waiting and ready ,allowing his perfect love to cast out any fear.
So this is the end you guys (and really the beginning) but you know what I mean. I don't know when i'll write or share publicly like this again. (oh dear. im tearing up... wow I didn't see this coming) its just how can I possibly thank you enough. For your time,for your thoughts and prayers? For your giving? For your interest in us at all. Many of you walked with us through this and often I found comfort in your words and in your friendship. Thank you for everything, from the bottom of my heart,thank you.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most o us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing ,and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.This is a friend who cares. -Henry JM Nouwen
The End.
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