Do I Surrender?

Have I ever told you that I love the apostle Paul? He is absolutely my favorite person in the bible besides Jesus. I have always prayed to be like Paul (I suppose that was silly.I should have spent time asking to be like Jesus lol) I just love his story. An "enemy" to Jesus and a murderer of his beloved believers.Then in a moment a radical salvation.He was told he would suffer greatly for the kingdom.He thought it would be better to die in many of his trials but knew the Lord saw no benefit to his death,but to his life. The Lord knows how much I admire John, so it was no surprise to me when he said that Johns greatest writings of Love were produced during his many imprisonments. He spent a total of about 5-6ish years in prisons that were in sewage beneath the streets of Rome, where he learned what love was. Mind blowing.

So Isaac was born Monday. Tuesday I died.Wednesday was a challenge but sweet,and today is beautiful.Let me explain. When I say I died Tuesday I mean all hope was lost. I realized and was told their is no plan. We were not called to visit.He was not placed. The end. And so I sat on the couch saying to myself "this just happened to us.The worst has happened.Every fear every great concern that the Lord himself comforted me in to get this far has happened." I had such a clear image of my condition. Satan himself had shot me with a shot gun filling me with hundreds of tiny holes.He then picked up a fist full of seeds of mistrust and threw them on me and then he picked up a hose and watered me down with confusion in hope that these seeds would take root and grow. And I turned and looked towards the Lord while being assaulted and I asked him.. how Lord can you save me from this? And I went to bed with a dead and hopeless heart,ready to post that it was all over,we had lost and I was planning my escape. Then I woke up Wednesday and I cant explain the moment that it happened or how,but the Lord shocked me and I had another clear image of my condition. Tuesday I went to bed dead, and all my friends and believers who were praying for us gave me mouth to mouth all through the night keeping breath in my lungs and my heart beating.YOU all sustained us by prayer until I awoke and in a moment God said"you will live and not die!" and I came to life again.  My hope even greater, my faith more alive than my flesh could keep up with.

Wednesday we were lathered in love and affection from all over the world.From Flowers and cards being sent from Chicago, to coffee being dropped off,words of support and encouragement flooded us from Kansas,Texas,New Life,The Carolina s,Missouri..... it was a downpour of people not allowing us to give up even when I would have chosen too. And so let me tell you about today.Thursday. Most of yesterday I would find myself saying over and over again "surrender" and I would speak this over the birth-mother.Well at about 2am this morning (I havent been sleeping well) I was in the living room enjoying the quietness when it occurred to me that perhaps the surrender was not for her,but for me. I was reminded of the storyin the bible of the two mothers pleading before the judge over who had rights to the baby.When the judge had a solution to split the baby into two pieces one woman agreed but the other surrendered for the life of the child. I said to the Lord "No i must fight for him!I cant give up!" But he said," surrendering is not giving up.Surrender is the highest form of trust." And so at 2 in the morning i kneeled before the Lord,and I surrendered back to him,his beloved son Isaac.I did not look to the other mother for help or comfort,nor the agency,I placed him in the judges hands and I submitted the outcome solely to the Lord.For his love and his intentions for Isaac's life are greater than mine.He alone will rule according to his perfect will and plan.

I then went to bed and although I hardly slept it was mostly due to the songs that my heart kept singing to the Lord. Great and mighty is he, for from you are all things,and to you are all things,you deserve the glory. I woke up with so much peace.Today is a victorious day. Not because we have seen the fruit of his promise but because im walking through it.Satan had truelly cornered me and God saved me.And the victory is that even if this doesnt end how we want it too, we have walked through it, and we were not over come.The Lord is writing inside of me a lesson about love, just like he did with Paul. If not for a son- then this is the pearl I have dived so deeply to find, and I am content.

So NO this battle is not over! At the end of the day bottom line is Isaac will either go into the states custody, or he can still be placed with us.They are both still in the hospital now working through all that.In the last moment God may still save the day, but I have surrendered to his perfect plan,and who am I to tell him what that is or how to play his last hand.Last Id like to say this, my dad text me this morning and said he was grieving for us and our loss. I do not want condolences, sympathy or im sorry's. We have not been overcome, for we will see the perfect plan of God in this situation. What that is,is just a mystery still. So praise God that we are alive! I can not only breath but I can smile and find comfort in him. For God will be the only judge of Isaac,but you better believe if he does come home with us tonight... their will be a celebration like nothing ive ever experienced!!!!!!!!!!!! So until this book is shut, the adventure goes on. I can feel the Lord even now smiling at his good work in me, and how the angels marvel at how we have never scene God,but yet we believe in him.