The End In Sight

Has it only been 9 days since I wrote!? seems like a long time ago. This adoption has been like a roller coaster. In the beginning I was my own biggest enemy. Trying to make the choice to ride or not .And then the looooooooong pull upwards with all the thoughts,fears, and emotions that go through your mind once you realize their is no going back.The past 2 months have been the pure emotion of the ride.The laughter,the tears. Pure adrenaline.And that 30 second ride that has  been my 9 months is almost over and I am reaching the part where you start to slow down and you try to decide if you loved it or hated it?

We still havent heard from or met again with the birth-mother. The past 9 days of knowing nothing have been a challenge to say the least.But from what ive been told,yesterday she called the agency and made them aware that she is being induced this Monday . It was no invitation to come.It was not to say she was placing the baby.It was just a phone call. But then again up until then she had made no contact with us or the agency,so I have to wonder,why call then? Your guess is as good as mine. So what'll happen next? Well, by Wed or Thursday the agency can call the hospital and see if she had the baby and was released OR when its time for her to be released she may call the agency and say she wants to place him.The agent would go to the hospital for her to sign the paperwork and then we would be called to come get the baby. Our son,Isaac.You know, I hadn't cried ONCE during all of this until just now.As I wrote "my son Isaac"... my eyes fill up with tears as my heart aches a little wondering if I will ever be able to call him that again. So many of you call and text and FB and I have to keep telling myself that we have the most amazing people around us who really care and love us.But to me it often feels like so many questions I do not have any answers for.I am just as blind as you in this. So in the mean time I wash bottles.I practice attaching my car seat to the stroller that intimidates me. I walk into his room every morning and look at all his lovely things.I pray and I wait.I keep hope alive.

I decided something though the other day.I took a day or two and felt bad for myself and then the Boston bombing happened.Immediately I was brought back to the real world and I just sat watching the news thankful that nothing "bad" had happened to me.Sure im in a tough vulnerable spot, but im ok. I thought about what id do if after all of this, this baby does not come home with us. I considered my brokenness.My justified anger and bitterness. And then I realized in the midst of all that I cannot control,that I could make my own choice.I have decided not to become those things.I have planted myself at the Lords feet and I look to him and declare his goodness never changes, and that I belong to him no matter what. Some days this posture feels uncomfortable, but most days it feel like home.
So my answer to the first paragraph is not that I hate roller-coasters, nor do I necessarily love them.But im happy I did it, and im relieved this one will soon be over. I hope to always be willing to ride again should the Lord tell me too,but this coaster doesn't stop for us until the Lord brings a life into our home.So if not this child,this time, then the next,or the next,or the next...

 So please pray for this sweet life with me however the Lord may lead you.Monday,Tuesday,Wednsday or Thursday may be one of the most challenging days weve had... or it may still become one of the greatest ever! I will let you know what happens, but please let us come to you.

Here we go...