Sunday, October 22, 2017

Shipwrecked

On Friday morning I got a text from our agent. "When you and Ferrill are together, please give me a call" Ferrill was on a day trip hunting, no doubt out until after dark and most likely without reception.  I decided to call her myself, too eager to hear the news that it was time! She had delivered and we were now only awaiting our invitation to move forward with all our arrangement's. Months of visits, emails, deep heart to heart conversations about the future and hundreds of pieces of paperwork had led us to this point. I was so ready. Not an ounce of fear resided in my heart, hope and joy had fully disarmed me. So you can only imagine how I felt as she apologized over and over as she expressed that nothing quit to this extreme had every happened to them before, not since the establishment of their agency, or in her "63 years of life or career as a social worker" for some reason that phrase stuck with me, but so much of the rest is now a blur. I hung up the phone sitting in my bedroom floor, my back leaning up against the crib we'd set up only a week or so ago. I felt completely numb and my body began to lightly tremble as shock began coursing through my veins. This was my greatest concern, this moment happening to me now. I started to worry for my husband, knowing this bomb was about to hit him next. "Lord don't leave me" was all I could muster as I began to cry. I cant believe this is happening again, and I feel that familiar presence of grief and sorrow lay its heavy coat on my back.

Ferrill did have reception and rushed home, texting me often, "I'm 30 minutes away... I'm on Hodges now.... 10 minutes from you...." and I stood in the kitchen starring out our back window slowly sipping a glass of something. I think it was water. He walked through the front door and we met each others eyes as if to say "Ahhh, I remember you, my friend. The one I did this with almost 5 years ago." These are the moments known by God when you repeat for better or for worse. It felt familiar and sad, as we held each other close and cried, and said I'm sorry, accepting our loses together. I'm thankful Finley was in school, we'd have about 45 min now to put our brave faces on. I had such an urgency to be with her, as if suddenly someone was trying to hurt us and I needed only for us all to be together. I needed to feel safe and comforted. I needed to be with my family. I needed to hear the joy of her voice and all the innocence she possesses. I needed something familiar since our futures had now shifted.

The rest of the day was so simple. Hours in sunshine park playing, building a teepee out of sticks, Smash Burger and then the fatigue from it all came over us. Ferrill fell asleep on our bed and I sat on the back porch writing. I wanted to remember this moment, because I know it wont be forever and I want to be able to look back and be encouraged at all God has done when he redeems us once again. I don't remember how Finley got to bed that night. Did I taker her? Did she dress herself? Where had I been. I honestly don't even know, I just remember seeing the clock say 3:48am when grief came into my room again and I started to weep uncontrollably. It was the same kind of sorrow as when my mom had her stroke almost 2 years ago. That realization that your identity is changing, things will never be again as they once were and the dread of dealing with it all. Ferrill rolled over putting his hands on my side. We never said a word. We just waited for it to pass. We waited for it to let me go. I guess around 7am I fell back to sleep.

I spent most of day 2 hearing all the voices speak, trying to cast their wicked seeds of pain and destruction. "Give up. You aren't meant to be a mom. If you were a good mom why would God make it so hard for you? Why do you try so hard to stay devoted to God when this keeps happening. Why does he skip you over and over again? You may have come back from the loss once before, but you'll never come back from this one. Be joyful in hope... what a sick joke. What a cruel God to deliver you from caution and wisdom and hand you over to disappointment like this. You cant really hear him you know. I wonder what you did wrong. Don't trust. Be angry. Look at all the hurt you've caused your friends and family to feel and deal with now." But with each stone thrown at me, a rock greater was thrown back. Since June I have faithfully been reading an hour a day in the Word and 1-3 hours of teaching. I was ready to cast off this heavy burden, and so I returned fire, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at just the right time we will reap a reward if we do not give up! No one who's hope is in the Lord will be put to shame! To the faithful He is faithful!" And it wasn't just phrases I had memorized... it was absolute truth I felt at the core of who I am. Suddenly a great harvest was taking over and I labored most of the day until my own contractions had subsided and perfect peace became mine. Not only did I feel peace, I actually started to feel joy. Not a "I'm unstable and having an emotional break down" kind of thing, but a real joy and true stability. "This isn't real" The voices made one last hurdle. "Deep prolonged Sorrow is inevitable. The road will be treacherous and awful!" But I only needed to say one last thing. "Even though my sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning." And with that one last push it was finished. I will deal with the practical stuff as it comes, but I will not deal with this or tolerate being lied too. I am loved. I will never give up on this or turn my affections from him. My faith will not be shipwrecked. I choose to trust him, and I choose joy.

So last night I took a 2 hour bath washing away the pain, ate chocolate cake and I laughed a lot before sleeping like a baby.The only dread I face now is sharing all this with you, your own sadness for us, your own process, and keeping at bay your questions and pity. I'm not trying to be tough here, I'm not denying myself of the real loss or trying to be some fake hero, but I am choosing something greater. May we all learn to tighten our belts of truth a little tighter and not grow weary. Let us lift up our eyes to the One who is greater and make this declaration. Onward.

His peace I leave with you
Sharon


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