When I got saved, I mean REALLY saved I was 15.I remember specifically dedicating my life and my future to the Lord to mold and shape with 1 stipulation.I will not go to Africa! Perhaps it was because I was a small town country girl whod never traveled,and I guess perhaps the scariest thing to me at the time would be to be on the the other side of the world where life must look totally different then my population 197.
Well 7 years into my adventure with God I cant say it was a total shock when I was in a church service and they announced a womens group going to Africa in the fall and my spirit knew in a moment it was time to go. I wanted to go where he led me but I was so afraid. Afraid of what? After a heart to heart with God I realized I had this underlining fear inside of me that God would take me someplace far far away... and leave me there.He would abandon me.He would watch me from a distance and teach me lessons the hard way.None of this was true of course and it took faith and trust to journey half way around the world to discover that not only would God not abandon me to the things that I am most afraid of,but he would show me something so beautiful and amazing that few people will ever see.
So at the very start of this adoption I realized it could go badly and leave us devastated, so I worked very hard to be realistic and to keep my heart protected. But over the past 4 months I allowed the Lord to tear down that wall,so I fell in love with a boy I had never met,that I still have not met yet. So what do you do when you find yourself in your own worst case scenario?
So what happened? The call never came from the hospital for us to come and the mother informed the agency she didn't want to place. It may seem very cut and dry but its not. Without sharing very private information the birth-mothers current situation is very temporary.She will soon need to find a place for her son to live and were praying that that phone call still comes. For those of you who have sown financially into this do not worry, money has not been lost.The Lord has not released our hearts to move on.So we wait.
The past 3 weeks have been... so many things. I consider myself a very consistent and stable person,so to have one day be very normal and the next emotionally exhausting is a challenge. Some days the cup is half full,somedays half empty,sometimes I hate the cup, and at times I am grateful for it.Ive been wanting to write the last few days but ive been short on having something beautiful to say about it all. I will say the Lord has not abandoned me.Even when I wish hed turn away just for a moment to leave me to my self pity and at times despair, he will not.For this I am most grateful for.That even in my worst case scenario he is with me,and the very thing that I had been most afraid of I am walking through to discover something new.It is sweet to hit the bottom sometimes just to realize that even here God is with you.God takes away the sting of fear and shows you that surely with him you can really do all things,you can go anywhere.You take away power from evil when you are no longer afraid of the unknown that once paralyzed you.Maybe this is what Paul meant when he wrote the Corinthians;"Death where is your sting? Grave where is your victory?"
Somedays I find myself early in the morning and in the evening sitting on my front step.Because if I know one thing that is consistent in this wonderful/awful position im in, its that if I look and wait long enough,at the right moment the sun will rise and the sun will set.This is how im dealing with things. If I set my eyes towards him and I wait, surely he will come and show himself faithful.And when he does I have no doubt that it will be stunning and marvelous.
Keep us in your prayers
I'll be in touch.
A blog about life and all the thoughts that come with it. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." Song of Solomon 2:15
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Do I Surrender?
Have I ever told you that I love the apostle Paul? He is absolutely my favorite person in the bible besides Jesus. I have always prayed to be like Paul (I suppose that was silly.I should have spent time asking to be like Jesus lol) I just love his story. An "enemy" to Jesus and a murderer of his beloved believers.Then in a moment a radical salvation.He was told he would suffer greatly for the kingdom.He thought it would be better to die in many of his trials but knew the Lord saw no benefit to his death,but to his life. The Lord knows how much I admire John, so it was no surprise to me when he said that Johns greatest writings of Love were produced during his many imprisonments. He spent a total of about 5-6ish years in prisons that were in sewage beneath the streets of Rome, where he learned what love was. Mind blowing.
So Isaac was born Monday. Tuesday I died.Wednesday was a challenge but sweet,and today is beautiful.Let me explain. When I say I died Tuesday I mean all hope was lost. I realized and was told their is no plan. We were not called to visit.He was not placed. The end. And so I sat on the couch saying to myself "this just happened to us.The worst has happened.Every fear every great concern that the Lord himself comforted me in to get this far has happened." I had such a clear image of my condition. Satan himself had shot me with a shot gun filling me with hundreds of tiny holes.He then picked up a fist full of seeds of mistrust and threw them on me and then he picked up a hose and watered me down with confusion in hope that these seeds would take root and grow. And I turned and looked towards the Lord while being assaulted and I asked him.. how Lord can you save me from this? And I went to bed with a dead and hopeless heart,ready to post that it was all over,we had lost and I was planning my escape. Then I woke up Wednesday and I cant explain the moment that it happened or how,but the Lord shocked me and I had another clear image of my condition. Tuesday I went to bed dead, and all my friends and believers who were praying for us gave me mouth to mouth all through the night keeping breath in my lungs and my heart beating.YOU all sustained us by prayer until I awoke and in a moment God said"you will live and not die!" and I came to life again. My hope even greater, my faith more alive than my flesh could keep up with.
Wednesday we were lathered in love and affection from all over the world.From Flowers and cards being sent from Chicago, to coffee being dropped off,words of support and encouragement flooded us from Kansas,Texas,New Life,The Carolina s,Missouri..... it was a downpour of people not allowing us to give up even when I would have chosen too. And so let me tell you about today.Thursday. Most of yesterday I would find myself saying over and over again "surrender" and I would speak this over the birth-mother.Well at about 2am this morning (I havent been sleeping well) I was in the living room enjoying the quietness when it occurred to me that perhaps the surrender was not for her,but for me. I was reminded of the storyin the bible of the two mothers pleading before the judge over who had rights to the baby.When the judge had a solution to split the baby into two pieces one woman agreed but the other surrendered for the life of the child. I said to the Lord "No i must fight for him!I cant give up!" But he said," surrendering is not giving up.Surrender is the highest form of trust." And so at 2 in the morning i kneeled before the Lord,and I surrendered back to him,his beloved son Isaac.I did not look to the other mother for help or comfort,nor the agency,I placed him in the judges hands and I submitted the outcome solely to the Lord.For his love and his intentions for Isaac's life are greater than mine.He alone will rule according to his perfect will and plan.
I then went to bed and although I hardly slept it was mostly due to the songs that my heart kept singing to the Lord. Great and mighty is he, for from you are all things,and to you are all things,you deserve the glory. I woke up with so much peace.Today is a victorious day. Not because we have seen the fruit of his promise but because im walking through it.Satan had truelly cornered me and God saved me.And the victory is that even if this doesnt end how we want it too, we have walked through it, and we were not over come.The Lord is writing inside of me a lesson about love, just like he did with Paul. If not for a son- then this is the pearl I have dived so deeply to find, and I am content.
So NO this battle is not over! At the end of the day bottom line is Isaac will either go into the states custody, or he can still be placed with us.They are both still in the hospital now working through all that.In the last moment God may still save the day, but I have surrendered to his perfect plan,and who am I to tell him what that is or how to play his last hand.Last Id like to say this, my dad text me this morning and said he was grieving for us and our loss. I do not want condolences, sympathy or im sorry's. We have not been overcome, for we will see the perfect plan of God in this situation. What that is,is just a mystery still. So praise God that we are alive! I can not only breath but I can smile and find comfort in him. For God will be the only judge of Isaac,but you better believe if he does come home with us tonight... their will be a celebration like nothing ive ever experienced!!!!!!!!!!!! So until this book is shut, the adventure goes on. I can feel the Lord even now smiling at his good work in me, and how the angels marvel at how we have never scene God,but yet we believe in him.
So Isaac was born Monday. Tuesday I died.Wednesday was a challenge but sweet,and today is beautiful.Let me explain. When I say I died Tuesday I mean all hope was lost. I realized and was told their is no plan. We were not called to visit.He was not placed. The end. And so I sat on the couch saying to myself "this just happened to us.The worst has happened.Every fear every great concern that the Lord himself comforted me in to get this far has happened." I had such a clear image of my condition. Satan himself had shot me with a shot gun filling me with hundreds of tiny holes.He then picked up a fist full of seeds of mistrust and threw them on me and then he picked up a hose and watered me down with confusion in hope that these seeds would take root and grow. And I turned and looked towards the Lord while being assaulted and I asked him.. how Lord can you save me from this? And I went to bed with a dead and hopeless heart,ready to post that it was all over,we had lost and I was planning my escape. Then I woke up Wednesday and I cant explain the moment that it happened or how,but the Lord shocked me and I had another clear image of my condition. Tuesday I went to bed dead, and all my friends and believers who were praying for us gave me mouth to mouth all through the night keeping breath in my lungs and my heart beating.YOU all sustained us by prayer until I awoke and in a moment God said"you will live and not die!" and I came to life again. My hope even greater, my faith more alive than my flesh could keep up with.
Wednesday we were lathered in love and affection from all over the world.From Flowers and cards being sent from Chicago, to coffee being dropped off,words of support and encouragement flooded us from Kansas,Texas,New Life,The Carolina s,Missouri..... it was a downpour of people not allowing us to give up even when I would have chosen too. And so let me tell you about today.Thursday. Most of yesterday I would find myself saying over and over again "surrender" and I would speak this over the birth-mother.Well at about 2am this morning (I havent been sleeping well) I was in the living room enjoying the quietness when it occurred to me that perhaps the surrender was not for her,but for me. I was reminded of the storyin the bible of the two mothers pleading before the judge over who had rights to the baby.When the judge had a solution to split the baby into two pieces one woman agreed but the other surrendered for the life of the child. I said to the Lord "No i must fight for him!I cant give up!" But he said," surrendering is not giving up.Surrender is the highest form of trust." And so at 2 in the morning i kneeled before the Lord,and I surrendered back to him,his beloved son Isaac.I did not look to the other mother for help or comfort,nor the agency,I placed him in the judges hands and I submitted the outcome solely to the Lord.For his love and his intentions for Isaac's life are greater than mine.He alone will rule according to his perfect will and plan.
I then went to bed and although I hardly slept it was mostly due to the songs that my heart kept singing to the Lord. Great and mighty is he, for from you are all things,and to you are all things,you deserve the glory. I woke up with so much peace.Today is a victorious day. Not because we have seen the fruit of his promise but because im walking through it.Satan had truelly cornered me and God saved me.And the victory is that even if this doesnt end how we want it too, we have walked through it, and we were not over come.The Lord is writing inside of me a lesson about love, just like he did with Paul. If not for a son- then this is the pearl I have dived so deeply to find, and I am content.
So NO this battle is not over! At the end of the day bottom line is Isaac will either go into the states custody, or he can still be placed with us.They are both still in the hospital now working through all that.In the last moment God may still save the day, but I have surrendered to his perfect plan,and who am I to tell him what that is or how to play his last hand.Last Id like to say this, my dad text me this morning and said he was grieving for us and our loss. I do not want condolences, sympathy or im sorry's. We have not been overcome, for we will see the perfect plan of God in this situation. What that is,is just a mystery still. So praise God that we are alive! I can not only breath but I can smile and find comfort in him. For God will be the only judge of Isaac,but you better believe if he does come home with us tonight... their will be a celebration like nothing ive ever experienced!!!!!!!!!!!! So until this book is shut, the adventure goes on. I can feel the Lord even now smiling at his good work in me, and how the angels marvel at how we have never scene God,but yet we believe in him.
Monday, April 22, 2013
While I Have The Time
I just wanted to give you all who are holding your breath out there an encouraging update on our day. I woke up to a text from the girls mother at 7am saying they were at the hospital and would call me later.About 9:30am she called and said she almost called me yesterday to share something that the Lord had done for her personally. I dont know if ive shared with you or not that the girl lives with her mother,and although shes been very supportive,the last few weeks has been very emotional and troubling for her.I dont blame her.How difficult it must be to see your grandchild placed for adoption because your own child is not able..and neither is she. So ive tried not to push or be angry. These emotions of hers are all very real and understandable. I trust the Lord to help each of us maneuver through this. So this morning she calls almost in tears and says "I went to church yesterday and the preacher prayed about Abraham and Isaac and I heard the Lord say to me, Isaac needs his father, trust me and hang in there just a little longer." She said in her heart she knew this baby needed us,a father and mother to raise him in the ways of the Lord,and he silenced the concerns and fears in her heart!
Today was wonderful! Which may sound unusual considering our circumstances. We had a couple over that we disciple, Ferrill went to work and I cleaned house.My mind free as a bird.Today felt so easy. At one point I sat on the couch and thought "whoa God this is just so strange.I would have never thought id feel as good as I do." In my mind I had this image of being under this giant tent.This tent was intimidation and it grew bigger and bigger.... but then today God came along and kicked those 4 corners down and the tent crashed.And here I am.Not scared,not nervous.Thanks to many of your prayers.Actually as I was cleaning I was listening to some fun music and dancing and the dancing made me laugh, and the fact that I was laughing so hard made me cry (not like a melt down pitiful cry.But like a laughing in the midst of my circumstances is so bizarre and wonderful kind of cry)
Then I got another text around 6pm from the girls mother saying she was progressing really well and was "considering" letting us come to the hospital! Of course this is all good news. I dont know what to say guys. My heart is so confident that the Lord will be faithful. Im just praying for her heart to keep being softened and that the transition would be smooth and easy.
Please keep praying until we get through all this.Come on out baby Isaac!
You dont have to read this next part.Its for me for future reminders.
Dear Sharon, since belonging to the Lord means trials and stretching,that I may become more like Christ, surely you realize this situation will be only one of many in your life time.I hope to remember that it does no good to worry,for what good has worrying done? I hope you remember God only really needs your "yes" to embrace the adventure he has,for he already knows the plan and needs little if any help from you. I hope you remember that every moment of your distress he comforted you in heart changing ways. Remember to just go one day at a time because when THE day finally comes God will lather you with the supernatural gifts of peace and grace. That the day youve dreaded the most can actually feel like the best.Cling to every word and promise spoken by him,for you will need all that he says to draw strength and encouragement from.Know that taking on the challenge he lays before you means an extra special nearness to him that will forever out way all the difficulty. Remember how bad your mind told you it would be.. and then how bad it wasn't. Sharon this IS the most adventurous life possible.This is the kind of life he intended you to have.
Today was wonderful! Which may sound unusual considering our circumstances. We had a couple over that we disciple, Ferrill went to work and I cleaned house.My mind free as a bird.Today felt so easy. At one point I sat on the couch and thought "whoa God this is just so strange.I would have never thought id feel as good as I do." In my mind I had this image of being under this giant tent.This tent was intimidation and it grew bigger and bigger.... but then today God came along and kicked those 4 corners down and the tent crashed.And here I am.Not scared,not nervous.Thanks to many of your prayers.Actually as I was cleaning I was listening to some fun music and dancing and the dancing made me laugh, and the fact that I was laughing so hard made me cry (not like a melt down pitiful cry.But like a laughing in the midst of my circumstances is so bizarre and wonderful kind of cry)
Then I got another text around 6pm from the girls mother saying she was progressing really well and was "considering" letting us come to the hospital! Of course this is all good news. I dont know what to say guys. My heart is so confident that the Lord will be faithful. Im just praying for her heart to keep being softened and that the transition would be smooth and easy.
Please keep praying until we get through all this.Come on out baby Isaac!
You dont have to read this next part.Its for me for future reminders.
Dear Sharon, since belonging to the Lord means trials and stretching,that I may become more like Christ, surely you realize this situation will be only one of many in your life time.I hope to remember that it does no good to worry,for what good has worrying done? I hope you remember God only really needs your "yes" to embrace the adventure he has,for he already knows the plan and needs little if any help from you. I hope you remember that every moment of your distress he comforted you in heart changing ways. Remember to just go one day at a time because when THE day finally comes God will lather you with the supernatural gifts of peace and grace. That the day youve dreaded the most can actually feel like the best.Cling to every word and promise spoken by him,for you will need all that he says to draw strength and encouragement from.Know that taking on the challenge he lays before you means an extra special nearness to him that will forever out way all the difficulty. Remember how bad your mind told you it would be.. and then how bad it wasn't. Sharon this IS the most adventurous life possible.This is the kind of life he intended you to have.
Friday, April 19, 2013
The End In Sight
Has it only been 9 days since I wrote!? seems like a long time ago. This adoption has been like a roller coaster. In the beginning I was my own biggest enemy. Trying to make the choice to ride or not .And then the looooooooong pull upwards with all the thoughts,fears, and emotions that go through your mind once you realize their is no going back.The past 2 months have been the pure emotion of the ride.The laughter,the tears. Pure adrenaline.And that 30 second ride that has been my 9 months is almost over and I am reaching the part where you start to slow down and you try to decide if you loved it or hated it?
We still havent heard from or met again with the birth-mother. The past 9 days of knowing nothing have been a challenge to say the least.But from what ive been told,yesterday she called the agency and made them aware that she is being induced this Monday . It was no invitation to come.It was not to say she was placing the baby.It was just a phone call. But then again up until then she had made no contact with us or the agency,so I have to wonder,why call then? Your guess is as good as mine. So what'll happen next? Well, by Wed or Thursday the agency can call the hospital and see if she had the baby and was released OR when its time for her to be released she may call the agency and say she wants to place him.The agent would go to the hospital for her to sign the paperwork and then we would be called to come get the baby. Our son,Isaac.You know, I hadn't cried ONCE during all of this until just now.As I wrote "my son Isaac"... my eyes fill up with tears as my heart aches a little wondering if I will ever be able to call him that again. So many of you call and text and FB and I have to keep telling myself that we have the most amazing people around us who really care and love us.But to me it often feels like so many questions I do not have any answers for.I am just as blind as you in this. So in the mean time I wash bottles.I practice attaching my car seat to the stroller that intimidates me. I walk into his room every morning and look at all his lovely things.I pray and I wait.I keep hope alive.
I decided something though the other day.I took a day or two and felt bad for myself and then the Boston bombing happened.Immediately I was brought back to the real world and I just sat watching the news thankful that nothing "bad" had happened to me.Sure im in a tough vulnerable spot, but im ok. I thought about what id do if after all of this, this baby does not come home with us. I considered my brokenness.My justified anger and bitterness. And then I realized in the midst of all that I cannot control,that I could make my own choice.I have decided not to become those things.I have planted myself at the Lords feet and I look to him and declare his goodness never changes, and that I belong to him no matter what. Some days this posture feels uncomfortable, but most days it feel like home.
So my answer to the first paragraph is not that I hate roller-coasters, nor do I necessarily love them.But im happy I did it, and im relieved this one will soon be over. I hope to always be willing to ride again should the Lord tell me too,but this coaster doesn't stop for us until the Lord brings a life into our home.So if not this child,this time, then the next,or the next,or the next...
So please pray for this sweet life with me however the Lord may lead you.Monday,Tuesday,Wednsday or Thursday may be one of the most challenging days weve had... or it may still become one of the greatest ever! I will let you know what happens, but please let us come to you.
Here we go...
We still havent heard from or met again with the birth-mother. The past 9 days of knowing nothing have been a challenge to say the least.But from what ive been told,yesterday she called the agency and made them aware that she is being induced this Monday . It was no invitation to come.It was not to say she was placing the baby.It was just a phone call. But then again up until then she had made no contact with us or the agency,so I have to wonder,why call then? Your guess is as good as mine. So what'll happen next? Well, by Wed or Thursday the agency can call the hospital and see if she had the baby and was released OR when its time for her to be released she may call the agency and say she wants to place him.The agent would go to the hospital for her to sign the paperwork and then we would be called to come get the baby. Our son,Isaac.You know, I hadn't cried ONCE during all of this until just now.As I wrote "my son Isaac"... my eyes fill up with tears as my heart aches a little wondering if I will ever be able to call him that again. So many of you call and text and FB and I have to keep telling myself that we have the most amazing people around us who really care and love us.But to me it often feels like so many questions I do not have any answers for.I am just as blind as you in this. So in the mean time I wash bottles.I practice attaching my car seat to the stroller that intimidates me. I walk into his room every morning and look at all his lovely things.I pray and I wait.I keep hope alive.
I decided something though the other day.I took a day or two and felt bad for myself and then the Boston bombing happened.Immediately I was brought back to the real world and I just sat watching the news thankful that nothing "bad" had happened to me.Sure im in a tough vulnerable spot, but im ok. I thought about what id do if after all of this, this baby does not come home with us. I considered my brokenness.My justified anger and bitterness. And then I realized in the midst of all that I cannot control,that I could make my own choice.I have decided not to become those things.I have planted myself at the Lords feet and I look to him and declare his goodness never changes, and that I belong to him no matter what. Some days this posture feels uncomfortable, but most days it feel like home.
So my answer to the first paragraph is not that I hate roller-coasters, nor do I necessarily love them.But im happy I did it, and im relieved this one will soon be over. I hope to always be willing to ride again should the Lord tell me too,but this coaster doesn't stop for us until the Lord brings a life into our home.So if not this child,this time, then the next,or the next,or the next...
So please pray for this sweet life with me however the Lord may lead you.Monday,Tuesday,Wednsday or Thursday may be one of the most challenging days weve had... or it may still become one of the greatest ever! I will let you know what happens, but please let us come to you.
Here we go...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Trials & Temptations
So much has happened since my last "Monday" post.I wish I could say everything's been great since then.Unfortunately it has not. (Ive been writing for about an hour now and have'nt liked any of what ive tried to say,so I erased it all feeling the need to just try to simplify a very very complex situation that without details would be very confusing) We realized after meeting with the birth-mother last time that we needed to meet more often.When we are together her mind is clear and peaceful,when she is away she is bombarded by lies and deception.We'll we've been kept from seeing her ever since then, and since that time satan has really had a hay day. This girl has become so confused,so manipulated,so scared,so deceived she cant even think straight.Satan has said everything and used anyone he could to dig such a giant hole between us and this mother/baby.
Maybe you're wondering,"well what if this isnt Gods will and its not your baby and etc..." Well this process has been about 1.5 years in the making.Being lead by the spirit we have prayed,journaled (recorded),seen miracles and provision happen.Every piece of evidence screams a resounding YES that this is absolutely the baby God has for us for a million reasons.So this is what I need YOU to do for me from this point on in this post.If you are reading out of curiosity or to be nosy then STOP. If you do not have faith to be in agreement with us then STOP.From this point on I don't need people to talk or feel bad for us...I need people to pray! If you cant or wont be doing that for us then I ask that you go on about your day.
So needless to say the past 3 days have been intense. I am so completely aware of the spiritual warfar that is taking place that I just pray all the time for HOURS at a time.What is wild is that during a time that should be so miserable and awful... I am experiencing such a supernatural peace and clarity! My mind is clear,my spirit strong,my emotions in check.Even now I do not wish this difficulty away because the nearness of God is so good it so easily overcomes any fear.
I went to the beach today to talk with the Lord and 3 hours later it may go down in my life as one of the most incredible times ive ever had with him.The things he said to me have become my greatest possessions,anchoring me in the eye of this ragging storm. I thought id leave you with just a few of my journal entries from today. You can decide for yourself what to think or pray. I wish so badly I didn't have to write about this difficulty were facing,but the need for prayer is so great.Then again did I actually think satan would go down without an epic battle?...NO! The greater the fight,the more glorious the victory.Hes not lazy I'll give him that,but neither am I and unlike him I don't forget the promises of God so easily.
In the flesh... things do not look good for this adoption at all. But my spirit tells me other wise.PLEASE pray for our situation however the Lord leads you.He could be born anytime now.
4/10/13 Laying here on the beach listening to the waves the Lord says "why does the sound of the waves not scare you? Do you not know that at any given moment they could easily sweep over you and take you away to your death? It doesn not scare you because you have learned that I control the edges of the ocean,and you have become familiar with the tides and their limitations.And so it is the same with the situation you are in now.You can chose to listen to the chaos surrounding you and become scared at satans threats, but just like the ocean he also is aware of his limitations.He roars like a lion but he is not one.He intimidates like the waves but he will not overcome you.Do not be afraid.
"As you hear the roaring and ragging against you, have peace. The 3 boys did not know the outcome of the fiery furnace,Paul did not know the outcome of his imprisonment.David did not know the outcome of his battles, but I gave each of them the measure of faith and peace needed to endure.And what has the outcomes taught you? I was faithful.I was good.I was glorified.I am the same as I was then.I have not changed.Take courage."
Maybe you're wondering,"well what if this isnt Gods will and its not your baby and etc..." Well this process has been about 1.5 years in the making.Being lead by the spirit we have prayed,journaled (recorded),seen miracles and provision happen.Every piece of evidence screams a resounding YES that this is absolutely the baby God has for us for a million reasons.So this is what I need YOU to do for me from this point on in this post.If you are reading out of curiosity or to be nosy then STOP. If you do not have faith to be in agreement with us then STOP.From this point on I don't need people to talk or feel bad for us...I need people to pray! If you cant or wont be doing that for us then I ask that you go on about your day.
So needless to say the past 3 days have been intense. I am so completely aware of the spiritual warfar that is taking place that I just pray all the time for HOURS at a time.What is wild is that during a time that should be so miserable and awful... I am experiencing such a supernatural peace and clarity! My mind is clear,my spirit strong,my emotions in check.Even now I do not wish this difficulty away because the nearness of God is so good it so easily overcomes any fear.
I went to the beach today to talk with the Lord and 3 hours later it may go down in my life as one of the most incredible times ive ever had with him.The things he said to me have become my greatest possessions,anchoring me in the eye of this ragging storm. I thought id leave you with just a few of my journal entries from today. You can decide for yourself what to think or pray. I wish so badly I didn't have to write about this difficulty were facing,but the need for prayer is so great.Then again did I actually think satan would go down without an epic battle?...NO! The greater the fight,the more glorious the victory.Hes not lazy I'll give him that,but neither am I and unlike him I don't forget the promises of God so easily.
In the flesh... things do not look good for this adoption at all. But my spirit tells me other wise.PLEASE pray for our situation however the Lord leads you.He could be born anytime now.
4/10/13 Laying here on the beach listening to the waves the Lord says "why does the sound of the waves not scare you? Do you not know that at any given moment they could easily sweep over you and take you away to your death? It doesn not scare you because you have learned that I control the edges of the ocean,and you have become familiar with the tides and their limitations.And so it is the same with the situation you are in now.You can chose to listen to the chaos surrounding you and become scared at satans threats, but just like the ocean he also is aware of his limitations.He roars like a lion but he is not one.He intimidates like the waves but he will not overcome you.Do not be afraid.
"As you hear the roaring and ragging against you, have peace. The 3 boys did not know the outcome of the fiery furnace,Paul did not know the outcome of his imprisonment.David did not know the outcome of his battles, but I gave each of them the measure of faith and peace needed to endure.And what has the outcomes taught you? I was faithful.I was good.I was glorified.I am the same as I was then.I have not changed.Take courage."
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Monday
I had a bad feeling all last week. Even though this experience is difficult Ive always been able to maintain my peace throughout it.Except for last week. I remember on two occasions trying to discern what the feeling was and finally I dared to shared it with Ferrill. "For the first time in my heart I feel as though im not sure well get this baby.I feel in my spirit somethings not right."
So I was not completely stunned when the agent called with the phrase every person going through this fears the most.Now at this point we were actually leaving our home in minutes to go meet her and the agent in town "Sharon I just need you to prepare yourself. Shes decided she doesn't want to place the baby.She plans to inform you at our meeting" I took a deep breath in that moment and checked my spirit. This was what that feeling was about, however my heart told me everything would be okay. She still wanted to meet.
The 7 mile drive there felt like slow motion as I prayed in the spirit the whole way.It didn't help that just that morning we had installed the car seat in the backseat.I just knew in my heart she was being deceived.I prayed many things but I mostly prayed for peace.If you're wondering if I was totally loosing it the answer is no.Not at all. It was actually a little freaky just how together I was. My mind was clear,my spirit confident and my emotions were totally together. A miracle in itself.
When she came in she was indeed different.She was not her friendly warm self but in fact very cold and distant. Ferrill would later tell me that the scripture that the Lord kept giving to him was Proverbs 21:1" In the Lords hand,the kings heart is a stream of water that the Lord channels towards all who love him.How much more the hearts of men?" We acted as though everything was normal.We talked,we encouraged,we loved her.
Maybe 20minutes into it I watched as she leaned over to our agent and whispered into her ear. Moments later I got a text on my phone from the agent (sitting across from me) the texts was Shes changed her mind.She does want to give you the baby. And just like that we were back on course. It was like flipping a light switch.She became herself again and the conversation was growing deeper and deeper.We stayed for about 2 hours together.Her heart becoming more and more open.Towards the end she finally shared with us that she had every intention of telling us shed changed her mind.She said "One day I woke up and a voice told me I may never be able to have another child and that I must keep this one.But when I saw you peace just overcame me and I remembered why I was doing this to begin with." we talked openly for a very long time.Honestly it was the best visit weve probably ever had together.
I tell you this not to scare you but to give you a glimpse into the intensity weve been experiencing and to ask for your prayers.That day was so full of supernatural grace and peace that we breezed right through the storm. Then the next day when I woke up I felt like id been hit by a truck.My heart and soul needed a lot of rest to recover. During our visit we also found out the due date is actually closer than wed thought. In just 2 short weeks, not 4! .Im not at all interested in taking any woman's child from her.I wont fight over something that I don't believe is totally gods will. We're in an ongoing battle in the spirit.Its like being naked in a warm bed with a fluffy comforter pulled up to your ears and having Satan stand at the end and constantly tugging at it to take it from you.I fight very hard to keep the peace that is mine given to me by the Holy Spirit.I truly believe this child will be our son.And in the end what if hes not?...well,I'll bravely cross that bridge when I get there.In about 2 weeks we will all know the outcome.
You know as difficult as its been I don't wish this time away. In the past nine months my heart and mind has been so tested. If anything I am thankful for this wonderful/awful experience.Surely my maturity,character and trust in God has grown an unmeasurable amount.Im sure in the upcoming months I will begin to forget all the work and labor that it took to get us here.Instead I hope to be filled with crazy love.
So I was not completely stunned when the agent called with the phrase every person going through this fears the most.Now at this point we were actually leaving our home in minutes to go meet her and the agent in town "Sharon I just need you to prepare yourself. Shes decided she doesn't want to place the baby.She plans to inform you at our meeting" I took a deep breath in that moment and checked my spirit. This was what that feeling was about, however my heart told me everything would be okay. She still wanted to meet.
The 7 mile drive there felt like slow motion as I prayed in the spirit the whole way.It didn't help that just that morning we had installed the car seat in the backseat.I just knew in my heart she was being deceived.I prayed many things but I mostly prayed for peace.If you're wondering if I was totally loosing it the answer is no.Not at all. It was actually a little freaky just how together I was. My mind was clear,my spirit confident and my emotions were totally together. A miracle in itself.
When she came in she was indeed different.She was not her friendly warm self but in fact very cold and distant. Ferrill would later tell me that the scripture that the Lord kept giving to him was Proverbs 21:1" In the Lords hand,the kings heart is a stream of water that the Lord channels towards all who love him.How much more the hearts of men?" We acted as though everything was normal.We talked,we encouraged,we loved her.
Maybe 20minutes into it I watched as she leaned over to our agent and whispered into her ear. Moments later I got a text on my phone from the agent (sitting across from me) the texts was Shes changed her mind.She does want to give you the baby. And just like that we were back on course. It was like flipping a light switch.She became herself again and the conversation was growing deeper and deeper.We stayed for about 2 hours together.Her heart becoming more and more open.Towards the end she finally shared with us that she had every intention of telling us shed changed her mind.She said "One day I woke up and a voice told me I may never be able to have another child and that I must keep this one.But when I saw you peace just overcame me and I remembered why I was doing this to begin with." we talked openly for a very long time.Honestly it was the best visit weve probably ever had together.
I tell you this not to scare you but to give you a glimpse into the intensity weve been experiencing and to ask for your prayers.That day was so full of supernatural grace and peace that we breezed right through the storm. Then the next day when I woke up I felt like id been hit by a truck.My heart and soul needed a lot of rest to recover. During our visit we also found out the due date is actually closer than wed thought. In just 2 short weeks, not 4! .Im not at all interested in taking any woman's child from her.I wont fight over something that I don't believe is totally gods will. We're in an ongoing battle in the spirit.Its like being naked in a warm bed with a fluffy comforter pulled up to your ears and having Satan stand at the end and constantly tugging at it to take it from you.I fight very hard to keep the peace that is mine given to me by the Holy Spirit.I truly believe this child will be our son.And in the end what if hes not?...well,I'll bravely cross that bridge when I get there.In about 2 weeks we will all know the outcome.
You know as difficult as its been I don't wish this time away. In the past nine months my heart and mind has been so tested. If anything I am thankful for this wonderful/awful experience.Surely my maturity,character and trust in God has grown an unmeasurable amount.Im sure in the upcoming months I will begin to forget all the work and labor that it took to get us here.Instead I hope to be filled with crazy love.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Whats New?
Dear Friends,
I cant believe its been 3 weeks since I last wrote and we found out the gender. So much has happened between now and then. Part of me wishes I could share every detail of this adoption with you (the good,bad,ugly,scary) but for the privacy of the birth-mother and our sweet little family I choose not too. I often feel like my life,at least this part of it,has been like a movie.A romantic,comedy,suspense thriller! Everything is going as planned.We've actually been able to meet with her as well as our agent 2 times in the last week to discuss the future and the details of delivery/placement day. But nothing is ever easy and every week we draw closer has its unexpected twists. All I can really say is if you ever want to know what spiritual warfare looks like in the flesh,try to save a life by adopting a child. You have good and evil waring over who will get the soul of a person.Very soon I am confident we will reap the rewards for fighting the good fight of faith.
Weve raised about $3,200 more since I last wrote. which leaves us with ONLY about $5,500 left out of $23,000! (whoooooa-where did it all even come from?!) Some people have asked how they can help so i'll give you some info at the bottom.
Just to refresh your minds the baby (boy) is due the very end of April. 7weeks away! It also just accured to me that I may not have mentioned that he is biracial.(did you just squeal a little? I did.) When we were praying our way through the paper work and got to the race/gender part we both just felt like we should leave it totally open.Our hearts and minds were ready for whatever the Lord had in mind-black,white,Asian,mixed,whatever-Love is Love & a life is a life. The birth-mother is Caucasian and African American herself, and the birth-father is African American.
This past weekend 30 of my dearest friends and my husbands parents got together and threw ferrill & I a beautiful shower! It was sweet and uncomplicated.I was nervous of what my emotions might be like that day. I didnt want to be emotional,i wanted to be able to relax,and I did. I let my sweet friends love and encourage me.At one time I looked around and thought,Lord I never imagined my first baby shower would be for a child im not even carrying,but im not at all dissapointed, Im actually kind of proud.My heart is learning to fully love someone I cannot see.This child will belong to my heart.I could not have asked more from the Lord than to not see him as any different than as our own.He has also exceeded in his goodness by giving me such peace and clarity as we maneuver through these last few weeks.
My dearest friend Bekah,as well as her husband and 7month old is coming to visit this weekend! Seeing her brings a flood of memories to mind.She has been (thinking of the words to say-my eyes tearing up) She has helped carry my heart through this awful/wonderful year of my life.I love her.I can only hope that what we have sowed in tears together we will reap in joy with our small boys and discovery of mother hood.She is a brilliant photographer with an ever evolving soul. Im hoping she will snap some pics of the nursery when shes here to show you soon. www.tirzahphotography.com
Is their anything else i'd like to say?( I feel as though I have such a short window left of having your attention and interest before I fade away.) I dont believe I have anything to add this time.I am doing well.Working hard to remain anchored until all is truelly "said and done." The Lord has been so lovely to me in ways I cannot articulate right now.His way is excellent.I feel my heart is at its healthiest,and all is well with my soul.
Thank you for checking in on us.If you want to help us with any remaining funds you can go to www.nlcf.org and click on "giving" follow the instructions and at the very bottom under designated giving" type "ministerial adoption fund"-it will then go directly to our adoption account. If you'd rather mail a check you can send it to the church address,made out to NLCF with ministerial adoption fund in the memo.
Much love to all of you,
Sharon
I cant believe its been 3 weeks since I last wrote and we found out the gender. So much has happened between now and then. Part of me wishes I could share every detail of this adoption with you (the good,bad,ugly,scary) but for the privacy of the birth-mother and our sweet little family I choose not too. I often feel like my life,at least this part of it,has been like a movie.A romantic,comedy,suspense thriller! Everything is going as planned.We've actually been able to meet with her as well as our agent 2 times in the last week to discuss the future and the details of delivery/placement day. But nothing is ever easy and every week we draw closer has its unexpected twists. All I can really say is if you ever want to know what spiritual warfare looks like in the flesh,try to save a life by adopting a child. You have good and evil waring over who will get the soul of a person.Very soon I am confident we will reap the rewards for fighting the good fight of faith.
Weve raised about $3,200 more since I last wrote. which leaves us with ONLY about $5,500 left out of $23,000! (whoooooa-where did it all even come from?!) Some people have asked how they can help so i'll give you some info at the bottom.
Just to refresh your minds the baby (boy) is due the very end of April. 7weeks away! It also just accured to me that I may not have mentioned that he is biracial.(did you just squeal a little? I did.) When we were praying our way through the paper work and got to the race/gender part we both just felt like we should leave it totally open.Our hearts and minds were ready for whatever the Lord had in mind-black,white,Asian,mixed,whatever-Love is Love & a life is a life. The birth-mother is Caucasian and African American herself, and the birth-father is African American.
This past weekend 30 of my dearest friends and my husbands parents got together and threw ferrill & I a beautiful shower! It was sweet and uncomplicated.I was nervous of what my emotions might be like that day. I didnt want to be emotional,i wanted to be able to relax,and I did. I let my sweet friends love and encourage me.At one time I looked around and thought,Lord I never imagined my first baby shower would be for a child im not even carrying,but im not at all dissapointed, Im actually kind of proud.My heart is learning to fully love someone I cannot see.This child will belong to my heart.I could not have asked more from the Lord than to not see him as any different than as our own.He has also exceeded in his goodness by giving me such peace and clarity as we maneuver through these last few weeks.
My dearest friend Bekah,as well as her husband and 7month old is coming to visit this weekend! Seeing her brings a flood of memories to mind.She has been (thinking of the words to say-my eyes tearing up) She has helped carry my heart through this awful/wonderful year of my life.I love her.I can only hope that what we have sowed in tears together we will reap in joy with our small boys and discovery of mother hood.She is a brilliant photographer with an ever evolving soul. Im hoping she will snap some pics of the nursery when shes here to show you soon. www.tirzahphotography.com
Is their anything else i'd like to say?( I feel as though I have such a short window left of having your attention and interest before I fade away.) I dont believe I have anything to add this time.I am doing well.Working hard to remain anchored until all is truelly "said and done." The Lord has been so lovely to me in ways I cannot articulate right now.His way is excellent.I feel my heart is at its healthiest,and all is well with my soul.
Thank you for checking in on us.If you want to help us with any remaining funds you can go to www.nlcf.org and click on "giving" follow the instructions and at the very bottom under designated giving" type "ministerial adoption fund"-it will then go directly to our adoption account. If you'd rather mail a check you can send it to the church address,made out to NLCF with ministerial adoption fund in the memo.
Much love to all of you,
Sharon
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