Daniel 6:23
....."and when they had lifted Daniel from the den, they found no wound on him, for he had trusted the Lord"
Its been 5 weeks since our "interrupted adoption." That's what the paper work says when a placement is not completed or was unsuccessful. The weeks to follow consisted of a lot of quietness. My soul was wounded and even when I thought I was fine, displaced hurt and pain would slowly begin to leak from my heart and before its poison could escape my lips I would run. To my car, to Ferrill's office, to my house and I would pour out my sorrow at his feet. Laying down the "why", waiting, waiting, waiting... letting his peace wash over me. "I trust you Lord" was all I could ever say, and then start another day.
A night or two after the call about our "interrupted adoption" Finley climbed into our bed and laid on me like a tired child who had finally given up. "Mom, I just want to be a sister so bad." Her disappointed voice shattering my heart into a galaxy. With tears oozing from my eyes but with a steady sure voice I said "I know Finley, and you will be the best big sister ever one day." I said it because I knew it was the truth, but what I didn't know was when that would happen. When we started She wasn't even 2 yet, and here she laid fully stretched out no longer our baby at all and I just didn't have any answers. What I thought I knew had shifted and we'd decided after the holidays, after we closed the book to this year, we would find the courage to start again. I carried her sad heart to bed and ached inside for many things and many reasons. I placed tiny boy things inside a rubber tub and slid them under our bed. I needed it out of immediate sight and yet not far away. My flesh was always ready to call it quits and yet my spirit remained pregnant with expectancy. Clean laundry now filled the crib in our bedroom and every morning in my closet when I dressed I'd see our packed diaper bag lifeless on the top shelf. "We're ready Lord. Whenever the time is right, we're ready."
We'd made last minute changes to go to NC for Thanksgiving and It was just what our hearts needed. Family, joy and rest. I guess I could have done without the 11 hour drive back from all the holiday travelers. Finley learned how to signal truckers to honk on the interstate and the laughter it brought us unloaded much of our heaviness.
The next day at lunch time I missed a call from our agent here in town. 12:47 to be exact. Then a text to please call when I could. My heart dropped into my stomach having a flash back from these same sequence of events just a few short weeks before. I walked out onto the front lawn to return her call. " Are you and Ferrill together?" Ugh- another flashback. "No-Its Monday. Why?" I cant even begin to explain just how unprepared I was for this next part. "I'm calling because I have a baby girl, in my arms now, who is ready for placement."
I held my breath as I listened to all the information. Premature, born at 25 weeks, survived and released after 2 months, skin like Finley's etc. etc. etc....you can come now and meet her if you want." I called Ferrill in the offices just like I had 4 years ago, "Lets go met our daughter!" And off we went. Our future was only 8 miles away, and with every minute that passed it was like weights were being unloaded from our hearts. Today was THE day and their wasn't a fear or a worry anywhere in sight.
When we met her, it felt like shed been ours forever. It was this instant feeling of "this is right" In a moment I knew I now had 2 daughters and my mind could never go back to seeing things before this. Before her. If joy could have fueled a rocket we could have ridden one to the moon and back. As a legal precaution we didn't take her home with us right then but that day, Monday November 27th was the day we peeked behind the vail and Gods perfect plan was made known to us. Even now it doesn't feel real. Our case worker said "I don't know anyone else who has ever had 2 babies come suddenly like yours have." I cant believe it. Even now as I write this I cant comprehend what has happened. Consider our hearts and our minds blown into pieces. A million beautiful, perfect, redeeming pieces.
Finley came home from school the following day. I could hear her voice asking grandma "what is the surprise?" the sound of her soft gasp as she walked into our room and saw me holding her. "Mom... is this my sister?' and finally, after 22 months I muttered to her one of the greatest words a heart could ever hear, and the sweetest gift God could ever give. Yes.
Paper work has been signed but we do have a few loose ends. Unfortunately some funds were lost in the previous "interrupted adoption" We have a short grace period to recover about $5,000. But seriously, the waiting is over and we know that money is the least of these things in the kingdom. For those who has sown may your cup overflow! And for those who are looking for the right place to give, I have no shame in saying let it be in us.
I leave with you the same words my dad left with me a few weeks ago. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up. This is who we are.
2 Corinthians 1:20 "All his promises are yes and amen."
All our love
Ferrill, Sharon, Finley & Quinn (which means wisdom)
To Give:
www.nlcf.org Click "giving" sign in and specify "adoption fund" OR find us under Gallaway adoption on www.gofundme.com
A blog about life and all the thoughts that come with it. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." Song of Solomon 2:15
Friday, December 1, 2017
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Shipwrecked
On Friday morning I got a text from our agent. "When you and Ferrill are together, please give me a call" Ferrill was on a day trip hunting, no doubt out until after dark and most likely without reception. I decided to call her myself, too eager to hear the news that it was time! She had delivered and we were now only awaiting our invitation to move forward with all our arrangement's. Months of visits, emails, deep heart to heart conversations about the future and hundreds of pieces of paperwork had led us to this point. I was so ready. Not an ounce of fear resided in my heart, hope and joy had fully disarmed me. So you can only imagine how I felt as she apologized over and over as she expressed that nothing quit to this extreme had every happened to them before, not since the establishment of their agency, or in her "63 years of life or career as a social worker" for some reason that phrase stuck with me, but so much of the rest is now a blur. I hung up the phone sitting in my bedroom floor, my back leaning up against the crib we'd set up only a week or so ago. I felt completely numb and my body began to lightly tremble as shock began coursing through my veins. This was my greatest concern, this moment happening to me now. I started to worry for my husband, knowing this bomb was about to hit him next. "Lord don't leave me" was all I could muster as I began to cry. I cant believe this is happening again, and I feel that familiar presence of grief and sorrow lay its heavy coat on my back.
Ferrill did have reception and rushed home, texting me often, "I'm 30 minutes away... I'm on Hodges now.... 10 minutes from you...." and I stood in the kitchen starring out our back window slowly sipping a glass of something. I think it was water. He walked through the front door and we met each others eyes as if to say "Ahhh, I remember you, my friend. The one I did this with almost 5 years ago." These are the moments known by God when you repeat for better or for worse. It felt familiar and sad, as we held each other close and cried, and said I'm sorry, accepting our loses together. I'm thankful Finley was in school, we'd have about 45 min now to put our brave faces on. I had such an urgency to be with her, as if suddenly someone was trying to hurt us and I needed only for us all to be together. I needed to feel safe and comforted. I needed to be with my family. I needed to hear the joy of her voice and all the innocence she possesses. I needed something familiar since our futures had now shifted.
The rest of the day was so simple. Hours in sunshine park playing, building a teepee out of sticks, Smash Burger and then the fatigue from it all came over us. Ferrill fell asleep on our bed and I sat on the back porch writing. I wanted to remember this moment, because I know it wont be forever and I want to be able to look back and be encouraged at all God has done when he redeems us once again. I don't remember how Finley got to bed that night. Did I taker her? Did she dress herself? Where had I been. I honestly don't even know, I just remember seeing the clock say 3:48am when grief came into my room again and I started to weep uncontrollably. It was the same kind of sorrow as when my mom had her stroke almost 2 years ago. That realization that your identity is changing, things will never be again as they once were and the dread of dealing with it all. Ferrill rolled over putting his hands on my side. We never said a word. We just waited for it to pass. We waited for it to let me go. I guess around 7am I fell back to sleep.
I spent most of day 2 hearing all the voices speak, trying to cast their wicked seeds of pain and destruction. "Give up. You aren't meant to be a mom. If you were a good mom why would God make it so hard for you? Why do you try so hard to stay devoted to God when this keeps happening. Why does he skip you over and over again? You may have come back from the loss once before, but you'll never come back from this one. Be joyful in hope... what a sick joke. What a cruel God to deliver you from caution and wisdom and hand you over to disappointment like this. You cant really hear him you know. I wonder what you did wrong. Don't trust. Be angry. Look at all the hurt you've caused your friends and family to feel and deal with now." But with each stone thrown at me, a rock greater was thrown back. Since June I have faithfully been reading an hour a day in the Word and 1-3 hours of teaching. I was ready to cast off this heavy burden, and so I returned fire, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at just the right time we will reap a reward if we do not give up! No one who's hope is in the Lord will be put to shame! To the faithful He is faithful!" And it wasn't just phrases I had memorized... it was absolute truth I felt at the core of who I am. Suddenly a great harvest was taking over and I labored most of the day until my own contractions had subsided and perfect peace became mine. Not only did I feel peace, I actually started to feel joy. Not a "I'm unstable and having an emotional break down" kind of thing, but a real joy and true stability. "This isn't real" The voices made one last hurdle. "Deep prolonged Sorrow is inevitable. The road will be treacherous and awful!" But I only needed to say one last thing. "Even though my sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning." And with that one last push it was finished. I will deal with the practical stuff as it comes, but I will not deal with this or tolerate being lied too. I am loved. I will never give up on this or turn my affections from him. My faith will not be shipwrecked. I choose to trust him, and I choose joy.
So last night I took a 2 hour bath washing away the pain, ate chocolate cake and I laughed a lot before sleeping like a baby.The only dread I face now is sharing all this with you, your own sadness for us, your own process, and keeping at bay your questions and pity. I'm not trying to be tough here, I'm not denying myself of the real loss or trying to be some fake hero, but I am choosing something greater. May we all learn to tighten our belts of truth a little tighter and not grow weary. Let us lift up our eyes to the One who is greater and make this declaration. Onward.
His peace I leave with you
Sharon
Ferrill did have reception and rushed home, texting me often, "I'm 30 minutes away... I'm on Hodges now.... 10 minutes from you...." and I stood in the kitchen starring out our back window slowly sipping a glass of something. I think it was water. He walked through the front door and we met each others eyes as if to say "Ahhh, I remember you, my friend. The one I did this with almost 5 years ago." These are the moments known by God when you repeat for better or for worse. It felt familiar and sad, as we held each other close and cried, and said I'm sorry, accepting our loses together. I'm thankful Finley was in school, we'd have about 45 min now to put our brave faces on. I had such an urgency to be with her, as if suddenly someone was trying to hurt us and I needed only for us all to be together. I needed to feel safe and comforted. I needed to be with my family. I needed to hear the joy of her voice and all the innocence she possesses. I needed something familiar since our futures had now shifted.
The rest of the day was so simple. Hours in sunshine park playing, building a teepee out of sticks, Smash Burger and then the fatigue from it all came over us. Ferrill fell asleep on our bed and I sat on the back porch writing. I wanted to remember this moment, because I know it wont be forever and I want to be able to look back and be encouraged at all God has done when he redeems us once again. I don't remember how Finley got to bed that night. Did I taker her? Did she dress herself? Where had I been. I honestly don't even know, I just remember seeing the clock say 3:48am when grief came into my room again and I started to weep uncontrollably. It was the same kind of sorrow as when my mom had her stroke almost 2 years ago. That realization that your identity is changing, things will never be again as they once were and the dread of dealing with it all. Ferrill rolled over putting his hands on my side. We never said a word. We just waited for it to pass. We waited for it to let me go. I guess around 7am I fell back to sleep.
I spent most of day 2 hearing all the voices speak, trying to cast their wicked seeds of pain and destruction. "Give up. You aren't meant to be a mom. If you were a good mom why would God make it so hard for you? Why do you try so hard to stay devoted to God when this keeps happening. Why does he skip you over and over again? You may have come back from the loss once before, but you'll never come back from this one. Be joyful in hope... what a sick joke. What a cruel God to deliver you from caution and wisdom and hand you over to disappointment like this. You cant really hear him you know. I wonder what you did wrong. Don't trust. Be angry. Look at all the hurt you've caused your friends and family to feel and deal with now." But with each stone thrown at me, a rock greater was thrown back. Since June I have faithfully been reading an hour a day in the Word and 1-3 hours of teaching. I was ready to cast off this heavy burden, and so I returned fire, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at just the right time we will reap a reward if we do not give up! No one who's hope is in the Lord will be put to shame! To the faithful He is faithful!" And it wasn't just phrases I had memorized... it was absolute truth I felt at the core of who I am. Suddenly a great harvest was taking over and I labored most of the day until my own contractions had subsided and perfect peace became mine. Not only did I feel peace, I actually started to feel joy. Not a "I'm unstable and having an emotional break down" kind of thing, but a real joy and true stability. "This isn't real" The voices made one last hurdle. "Deep prolonged Sorrow is inevitable. The road will be treacherous and awful!" But I only needed to say one last thing. "Even though my sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning." And with that one last push it was finished. I will deal with the practical stuff as it comes, but I will not deal with this or tolerate being lied too. I am loved. I will never give up on this or turn my affections from him. My faith will not be shipwrecked. I choose to trust him, and I choose joy.
So last night I took a 2 hour bath washing away the pain, ate chocolate cake and I laughed a lot before sleeping like a baby.The only dread I face now is sharing all this with you, your own sadness for us, your own process, and keeping at bay your questions and pity. I'm not trying to be tough here, I'm not denying myself of the real loss or trying to be some fake hero, but I am choosing something greater. May we all learn to tighten our belts of truth a little tighter and not grow weary. Let us lift up our eyes to the One who is greater and make this declaration. Onward.
His peace I leave with you
Sharon
Friday, September 22, 2017
Waiting On Baby
I'm sorry to say I have fallen way way behind on my updates. So much began to happen, so much suspense that I almost couldn't figure out where or how to even begin. If you follow us on Facebook you already know, but in case you missed it, about 6 weeks ago Ferrill and I were matched with an expectant birth-mother! A little boy, due in October.
We believed we were the most unlikely choice in the world for her to make, and yet we were chosen. We were somewhere between Atlanta and Memphis headed to my grandpas funeral, when I took the call from our agency. We were getting pretty used to phone calls and emails of let downs, that when they called and I offered to put it on speaker phone Ferrill said not to even bother. So the look of shock and awe on his face was priceless when I covered the bottom on my phone while she spoke and mumbled quietly to Ferrill, "She picked us!" We hung up the phone and cried tears of joy, and relief that something was finally happening. Although it had been 18 months since we started the process again, the past 9 had been totally quiet, but then suddenly. The story of our lives.
At first I felt very hesitant in sharing our news. We had made arrangement's to meet the birth-mother in person the Tuesday we returned back to town, since it was a local Jacksonville agency that had matched us. One thing I can 100% tell you was the Lord was putting a supernatural love for the woman in my heart just as much as he had for a new child. My friend Brittany and I were driving over the inter-coastal when she told me that she was expecting her second. And when we pulled into town center later that evening for a surprise party I remember standing in the parking lot telling her that God was doing something unique in my heart. I knew this time I wouldn't just be adopting a baby but a family.(remember that Britt?) So it was no surprise to us when Tuesday she expressed her hope to have a very open adoption with her son. Our hearts were already totally on board.
So that brings us to now. Six weeks ago we were still in need of $13,000 for funding and now we only need about $3,000! We moved into a new house only about 4 weeks ago, and of course hurricane IRMA also made a flashy appearance. Other than a few trees and some shingles we're fine, but the weeks to follow we have been focused on meeting the needs of dear friends and our community. The birth-mother and I email weekly, we visit bi-weekly and we feel very strongly she is utilizing the resources provided to her by the agency. It is a VERY VERY good situation and both she and her child are healthy and doing well as we begin our countdown to D-day. During the past few weeks I've had to process many emotions, mostly stemming from old hurts, fears and disappointments. I listen to her express her sureness of her decision to place, I look at ultrasounds of this baby, and I'm asked so often if we'll be having a baby shower, what his name will be and a voice in my mind always says to me "I've been here before, with a boy, and she did not place. I've looked at ultrasounds, fallen in love and not received him. I've had a room full of blue baby things that I gave away when it didn't happen." And you know what.... I've just had to accept the reality that yes that could happen again.But how can I possibly remember the bad without also remembering the good! Yes, over 4 years ago my heart was broken, but it was also one of the most beautiful times I've ever experienced with the Lord. I would not have my daughter now if that loss never took place.And as nervous as I rightfully am I'm also wildly reminded of Gods faithfulness and his perfect timing! His care and kindness for me remains unmatched and I have decided to try my hardest to move forward, joyful in hope! God says whoever puts their trust in him will not be disappointed. God has never once disappointed us when our hope has remained in him, that he sees and knows, and will make things work out for our good. So we hope and trust in his plans, and his goodness! Amen!
My dad a few weeks ago said something so beautiful to me that really impacted my heart. He said "You know I've had a lot of disappointments in my life over the years, but some of the things I regret the most was not hoping for things, when their was good reason to hope.That time meant for joy and expectation was lost to worry or fear. Parenting isn't just about receiving your child, its also in the anticipation of the unknown. Sharon I know you're nervous. We've all lost things hoped for. I'm not saying you should share all the details of whats going on, but cling to every word of God, that he will do everything he has shared with you he will do. If you believe in your heart this is from him, that this is it, guard that hope at all cost, and trust in him."
So that's were I'm at. Nothing in adoption is done until 24-48 hours after birth and she signs paperwork transferring his custody and care over. But I'm doing my best to not be afraid. I'm choosing to have hope that this boy will become our son and in a few short weeks, maybe sooner, we will all know.
Thank you to everyone who has given to make this possible! What a joy it is to work through many details of this process without also needing to dwell too much on money. You all have continued to love our growing family so well, and we are forever in debt to your love. We just got a notification from go fund me that they have turned away some giving due to some errors on our end. We apologize for this and ask that should you still wish to bless us, that you try again.
Well everyone- I believe this is it. When you hear from us again, we hope to be a family of 4. (Oh did I mention our son would be interracial? Your welcome for that little sneak peek of information. Please excuse me while I squeal. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!) Oh Jesus, you're just the best! Lets do this crazy thing.
Love
Sharon
https://www.gofundme.com/gallaway-adoption
We believed we were the most unlikely choice in the world for her to make, and yet we were chosen. We were somewhere between Atlanta and Memphis headed to my grandpas funeral, when I took the call from our agency. We were getting pretty used to phone calls and emails of let downs, that when they called and I offered to put it on speaker phone Ferrill said not to even bother. So the look of shock and awe on his face was priceless when I covered the bottom on my phone while she spoke and mumbled quietly to Ferrill, "She picked us!" We hung up the phone and cried tears of joy, and relief that something was finally happening. Although it had been 18 months since we started the process again, the past 9 had been totally quiet, but then suddenly. The story of our lives.
At first I felt very hesitant in sharing our news. We had made arrangement's to meet the birth-mother in person the Tuesday we returned back to town, since it was a local Jacksonville agency that had matched us. One thing I can 100% tell you was the Lord was putting a supernatural love for the woman in my heart just as much as he had for a new child. My friend Brittany and I were driving over the inter-coastal when she told me that she was expecting her second. And when we pulled into town center later that evening for a surprise party I remember standing in the parking lot telling her that God was doing something unique in my heart. I knew this time I wouldn't just be adopting a baby but a family.(remember that Britt?) So it was no surprise to us when Tuesday she expressed her hope to have a very open adoption with her son. Our hearts were already totally on board.
So that brings us to now. Six weeks ago we were still in need of $13,000 for funding and now we only need about $3,000! We moved into a new house only about 4 weeks ago, and of course hurricane IRMA also made a flashy appearance. Other than a few trees and some shingles we're fine, but the weeks to follow we have been focused on meeting the needs of dear friends and our community. The birth-mother and I email weekly, we visit bi-weekly and we feel very strongly she is utilizing the resources provided to her by the agency. It is a VERY VERY good situation and both she and her child are healthy and doing well as we begin our countdown to D-day. During the past few weeks I've had to process many emotions, mostly stemming from old hurts, fears and disappointments. I listen to her express her sureness of her decision to place, I look at ultrasounds of this baby, and I'm asked so often if we'll be having a baby shower, what his name will be and a voice in my mind always says to me "I've been here before, with a boy, and she did not place. I've looked at ultrasounds, fallen in love and not received him. I've had a room full of blue baby things that I gave away when it didn't happen." And you know what.... I've just had to accept the reality that yes that could happen again.But how can I possibly remember the bad without also remembering the good! Yes, over 4 years ago my heart was broken, but it was also one of the most beautiful times I've ever experienced with the Lord. I would not have my daughter now if that loss never took place.And as nervous as I rightfully am I'm also wildly reminded of Gods faithfulness and his perfect timing! His care and kindness for me remains unmatched and I have decided to try my hardest to move forward, joyful in hope! God says whoever puts their trust in him will not be disappointed. God has never once disappointed us when our hope has remained in him, that he sees and knows, and will make things work out for our good. So we hope and trust in his plans, and his goodness! Amen!
My dad a few weeks ago said something so beautiful to me that really impacted my heart. He said "You know I've had a lot of disappointments in my life over the years, but some of the things I regret the most was not hoping for things, when their was good reason to hope.That time meant for joy and expectation was lost to worry or fear. Parenting isn't just about receiving your child, its also in the anticipation of the unknown. Sharon I know you're nervous. We've all lost things hoped for. I'm not saying you should share all the details of whats going on, but cling to every word of God, that he will do everything he has shared with you he will do. If you believe in your heart this is from him, that this is it, guard that hope at all cost, and trust in him."
So that's were I'm at. Nothing in adoption is done until 24-48 hours after birth and she signs paperwork transferring his custody and care over. But I'm doing my best to not be afraid. I'm choosing to have hope that this boy will become our son and in a few short weeks, maybe sooner, we will all know.
Thank you to everyone who has given to make this possible! What a joy it is to work through many details of this process without also needing to dwell too much on money. You all have continued to love our growing family so well, and we are forever in debt to your love. We just got a notification from go fund me that they have turned away some giving due to some errors on our end. We apologize for this and ask that should you still wish to bless us, that you try again.
Well everyone- I believe this is it. When you hear from us again, we hope to be a family of 4. (Oh did I mention our son would be interracial? Your welcome for that little sneak peek of information. Please excuse me while I squeal. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!) Oh Jesus, you're just the best! Lets do this crazy thing.
Love
Sharon
https://www.gofundme.com/gallaway-adoption
Monday, August 14, 2017
It came -It Passed
June 26th 2017 I had this dream.
In the dream I was crying. A family member had passed away, hope was still being deferred and I was at such a point of despair and discouragement. And an angel of the Lord whom I could not see but only heard said to me " And then it came to pass. It came-and it passed. Just as all things will, but their is a greater thing to learn and receive than what you hope for now. Set your heart and your faith on the giver of these things, that in whatever may come to pass, you know truth."
In the dream I was crying. A family member had passed away, hope was still being deferred and I was at such a point of despair and discouragement. And an angel of the Lord whom I could not see but only heard said to me " And then it came to pass. It came-and it passed. Just as all things will, but their is a greater thing to learn and receive than what you hope for now. Set your heart and your faith on the giver of these things, that in whatever may come to pass, you know truth."
This dream would become the center of my focus even until right now. I thought so much about that phrase "come to pass" how wonderful and yet, disappointing that the "thing" whatever it may be at the time placed in my heart, how it will come, so that it can also pass. This phrase is mentioned 396 times in the bible, and 453 times if you remove the word AND. I think back at so many moments when my heart was fixed on the anticipation and hope of moments, and the joy of their delivery, and the strangeness of there passing, just to have another new "thing" come along. Like even now. The hope I had for my daughter, the great joy at her arrival, and now the new season of life that has changed and begun. Today is her first day of Pre-K. Lord their must be more to life than just moments. And their is.
The last 6 weeks have been the richest season I have ever had with the Lord. After the dream I set my heart to know the giver. "But how God? How can I know you more?" And my personal instructions were this. "When you speak to me, do not ask me to do anything, and do not complain." Easy. I assumed. Turns out I didn't speak to God for 3 days! I had no clue just how much of my "relationship" with God consisted of me complaining, and asking. And slowly a new conversation began to take shape. With this instruction came another to commit to reading and studying the Word at least 1 hour a day, with additional time of listening to the Word through teaching. Now I love that we do not serve a religious God, but one of relationship, and so I'm not sharing this to tell you some formula, but to express that I asked and he told me what I could do differently to know him more. It didn't take much discipline to do it, rather it took a shift in my priorities. A serious pursuit to feed my very hungry soul. And in doing so I have never felt more alive. So full. I'm telling you their have been nights I have gone to bed pondering a revelation of his love that had me in tears, and when I woke up it was still their, that tangible wonder of him, his love, his plan for us as his. I say this because I hear this word "destiny" everywhere I go. Everyone is searching. Looking. Empty. Hoping for things to come-that will pass, and searching again. Your destiny is to know God. Not know of him, but to KNOW him, and to be known by him. It. Is. Possible.
When God created the universe for your pleasure he would meet with Adam and Eve in the garden. Their was no discussing the work week. No expression of lack or talk of need. God created us as human "beings" and yet we find our identity in being doers. Out of that relationship comes tasks and yes, things to be accomplishing through him, BUT it should always be from that place of overflow with him, that we do good. When I was reading that verse in Revelations (3 vs 20) that says "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." I had always thought of that verse as being the opportunity for salvation, but then the Lord showed me that this was an invitation for us all, each day. That often he visits the heart of his children giving opportunity for us to respond to him. To invite him in to partake of more. I want the more- I want the daily intimacy of him. I want to know what it means to really love him with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind (Matthew 22:37)
I have no real goal of why I'm sharing this blog post today, other than to express the opportunity that's available to have a life that feels alive, and full. Adventurous and never dull. Father provoke our hearts once again, that we may respond to your unfailing love.
Id like to just share with you briefly that our friend Stephanie has returned full time to work! (read the past 2 posts to know what happened) Her body continues to heal but it is my great joy to tell you she is well and full of the goodness of God. If you pass her in the hall ways at church, you should ask her to show you the side by side images of her eyesight before and after surgery. It is incredible to see what God did!
ALSO... both our trips to India are fully paid for! The morning we were going to be buying our tickets a woman called me and shared," I feel like this is the amount God told me to sow into your trip." It was the exact cost of our tickets. 5 others gave to me personally to fund the rest, and if you are reading this (you know who you are) please let me express how thankful I am for your generosity, and kindness. Surely the Lord has a reward for those who give to his kingdom and his servants, a principle I'm sure you know well since your hearts were so eager to give.
In the last 4-6 weeks Ferrill and I have driven almost 5,000 miles. I know this because of that cute tiny sticker they put on your windshield after an oil change. We have traveled to The Dominican Republic and Alabama for outreach. To Miami twice to meet the consulate for visas for Brazil, to Georgia and Saturday we returned home from driving 16 hours each way to Missouri for my grandfathers funeral. I was reminded of 2 things while I stood on that hilltop overlooking the cemetery, a gentle breeze soothing my soul. That ALL of Gods words, which are his promises are yes & amen. When my grandpa (who passed at 87) was in his early 20's he needed to have both kidneys removed,they had calcified after being kicked by a horse, injuring him terribly. Before surgery he told me, an angel of the Lord appeared to him and said not to worry, that he would live to see his grandchildren. Turns out he was born with a 3rd kidney that would last him his lifetime, and not only would it be 30 years before that promise would be fulfilled, but the Lord would even exceed that goodness, and grant him the joy of 2 great grandchildren.
I also thought of how salvation came to my family through adoption. My grandpa, adopted as an infant, came to know Christ after his parents 10 years later accepted Christ. And I sat there by his side, hearing my own daughters laughter as she played about. Taking in the reality of an eternal life, full of Gods promises, and thankful, considering it our privilege that the Lord has called us to adopt.
I am a prisoner of hope. Trapped in a mighty fortress.
Eager to share with you again soon, a new story.
Sharon
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Present & Future (an update on Stephanie and whats to come)
It was less than 16 hours after her surgery when I got to see Stephanie. She was scheduled to be the first operation of the day and had arrived by 5am. It was around noon when they began and they finished over 2.5 hours later. The tumor with its 2 cysts inside were removed successfully and Stephanie's vision began to recover almost immediately. She sat in bed quivering from the meds, a constant activity of doctors, nurses and therapists in and out every 10 minutes or less, and I sat and watched as she mustard up all her strength to allow one more nurse to draw blood from her battered arm. She was so frail and yet so incredibly gracious. You would have never known just hours before and all through the night she had been throwing up shocking amounts of blood. That's something they didn't tell us as she prepared for the surgery. That the tumor they would remove, would mostly drain down her throat and into her stomach, and when it was all over, her body would do what it needed to do to clean itself. Gross. That being said it has not been an "easy" recovery for our friend. She was released from the hospital after 3 days as opposed to 1, and after 48 hours at home was rushed back to the ER in an ambulance with severe pain, vomiting and no vision.
She was very afraid and in lots of pain when one of her 6 doctors, the man in the blue scrubs, changed his shift to stay with her through the night and see to her recovery personally. She had gotten so dehydrated that even her veins in her arms were no longer usable. Needing to get her medication locally as quickly as needed they made the choice to put an IV in her neck. What should have been a 45 min process took over 2 agonizing hours. Her voice filled the hallway with painful tears as she cried out the name of Jesus and endured the procedure.
So here we are today. Stephanie is home now, finally, and trying to find a new normal for these next several weeks. She cant be alone yet so friends and family have joyfully taken their turns enjoying her company and learning how to rest by her side. She has an appointment tomorrow to follow up on things.
It hasn't been "easy" but God is so good! So faithful! We believe she is on her way to a full recovery in Jesus name! She wanted me to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughtfulness. Her recovery is such a priority, and has had a mild set back since the ER visit was unexpected that she's put away her phone for a season. Lord knows if she responded to every text or call shed be up 24/7. So if you did not or have not heard from her, please understand.
Also, if I may. She and I would both like to share some exciting news with you. She and I, have accepted a unique opportunity to travel to India this December for 10 days and share the gospel.
Last September I had this vision where I was following a woman whom I know named Audrey, through India. I wrote it down in my journal, prayed and tucked it away. 6 months later, on a Sunday she came up to my husband and said "I need to speak with your wife. I was in Haiti ministering when the Lord said I should invite your wife to travel with me. Id like to plan a special trip to India."
I was floored. As long as I've been serving the Lord and following the spirit, every time I'm in awe that this is real. That the supernatural is SO real. Then a few months ago Stephanie and I were having a Netflix day, it was actually the same day that she got the confirmation call from Mayo about the appointment she never made, and out of nowhere holy spirit starts talking to me about ducks. I literally turned to Stephanie and said "I'm gonna need you to stop talking for just a second. The holy spirit is literally talking to me about you right now. He said you're supposed to go on this trip also, and that he actually gave you a dream about it almost a year ago and that it involved ducks."
She quickly sat up, thinking. It didn't take long before Holy Spirit brought to mind a dream shed had over a year ago, where she and I were traveling some place towards the middle east and God was with us moving in great power in rural farm places when demonic spirits disguised as ducks began to deceive people away from our message and into tents. Anyways, it was an exciting and ordained moment for us as friends and a promise of the future hope to come as we walked through the next few months. When we waited in the surgeons office to meet with him that wild Thursday everything happened,we just encouraged one another. "Everything is going to be fine. God is taking us to India remember!" and when the man in the blue scrubs came in, and the whole room became full of peace, we asked him where he was from, and when he said he was from India, we began to laugh and cry.
Yesterday we were able to talk over details of the trip. We'll have the opportunity to share the gospel in rural places,go straight into the brothels to minister to about 20-40 woman and be visiting up to 60 children currently living in orphanages, all girls under 10 whom were sold by or taken from family to be trafficked and have been rescued, literally, by a handful of woman who risked their lives for them. While we met I could hear Holy spirit saying to me "Although these children may have meant nothing to someone, they mean everything to me." And that is the message I carry and hope to share.
That being said Stephanie and myself have a real financial need to get there. We have the expenses of a surgery and an adoption on our laps and so if anyone feels lead to give, so that we could move forward with one less thing, then please consider giving towards our trip. You can reach out to us directly and privately for details on how to give. Our expected cost is around $2,500. Not too shabby if you ask me.
So praise God! He is the author and finisher of our faith and no word will return back to him void! He will fulfill all that he has set to accomplish and we're ready! well.. Stephanie's not ready. I'm sure her spirit is but, she will be soon. I'll let you know in a few weeks how things are going. Please continue to pray for supernatural rest, peace and provision.
Amen,
Sharon
She was very afraid and in lots of pain when one of her 6 doctors, the man in the blue scrubs, changed his shift to stay with her through the night and see to her recovery personally. She had gotten so dehydrated that even her veins in her arms were no longer usable. Needing to get her medication locally as quickly as needed they made the choice to put an IV in her neck. What should have been a 45 min process took over 2 agonizing hours. Her voice filled the hallway with painful tears as she cried out the name of Jesus and endured the procedure.
So here we are today. Stephanie is home now, finally, and trying to find a new normal for these next several weeks. She cant be alone yet so friends and family have joyfully taken their turns enjoying her company and learning how to rest by her side. She has an appointment tomorrow to follow up on things.
It hasn't been "easy" but God is so good! So faithful! We believe she is on her way to a full recovery in Jesus name! She wanted me to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughtfulness. Her recovery is such a priority, and has had a mild set back since the ER visit was unexpected that she's put away her phone for a season. Lord knows if she responded to every text or call shed be up 24/7. So if you did not or have not heard from her, please understand.
Also, if I may. She and I would both like to share some exciting news with you. She and I, have accepted a unique opportunity to travel to India this December for 10 days and share the gospel.
Last September I had this vision where I was following a woman whom I know named Audrey, through India. I wrote it down in my journal, prayed and tucked it away. 6 months later, on a Sunday she came up to my husband and said "I need to speak with your wife. I was in Haiti ministering when the Lord said I should invite your wife to travel with me. Id like to plan a special trip to India."
I was floored. As long as I've been serving the Lord and following the spirit, every time I'm in awe that this is real. That the supernatural is SO real. Then a few months ago Stephanie and I were having a Netflix day, it was actually the same day that she got the confirmation call from Mayo about the appointment she never made, and out of nowhere holy spirit starts talking to me about ducks. I literally turned to Stephanie and said "I'm gonna need you to stop talking for just a second. The holy spirit is literally talking to me about you right now. He said you're supposed to go on this trip also, and that he actually gave you a dream about it almost a year ago and that it involved ducks."
She quickly sat up, thinking. It didn't take long before Holy Spirit brought to mind a dream shed had over a year ago, where she and I were traveling some place towards the middle east and God was with us moving in great power in rural farm places when demonic spirits disguised as ducks began to deceive people away from our message and into tents. Anyways, it was an exciting and ordained moment for us as friends and a promise of the future hope to come as we walked through the next few months. When we waited in the surgeons office to meet with him that wild Thursday everything happened,we just encouraged one another. "Everything is going to be fine. God is taking us to India remember!" and when the man in the blue scrubs came in, and the whole room became full of peace, we asked him where he was from, and when he said he was from India, we began to laugh and cry.
Yesterday we were able to talk over details of the trip. We'll have the opportunity to share the gospel in rural places,go straight into the brothels to minister to about 20-40 woman and be visiting up to 60 children currently living in orphanages, all girls under 10 whom were sold by or taken from family to be trafficked and have been rescued, literally, by a handful of woman who risked their lives for them. While we met I could hear Holy spirit saying to me "Although these children may have meant nothing to someone, they mean everything to me." And that is the message I carry and hope to share.
That being said Stephanie and myself have a real financial need to get there. We have the expenses of a surgery and an adoption on our laps and so if anyone feels lead to give, so that we could move forward with one less thing, then please consider giving towards our trip. You can reach out to us directly and privately for details on how to give. Our expected cost is around $2,500. Not too shabby if you ask me.
So praise God! He is the author and finisher of our faith and no word will return back to him void! He will fulfill all that he has set to accomplish and we're ready! well.. Stephanie's not ready. I'm sure her spirit is but, she will be soon. I'll let you know in a few weeks how things are going. Please continue to pray for supernatural rest, peace and provision.
Amen,
Sharon
Friday, May 26, 2017
Fifty-Four Hours
Stephanie walked through the front door and set her things on my kitchen counter "I think that something is wrong with my eyes." What do you mean I asked "I can't see out the sides. Everything is super blurry." We discussed it a while longer before setting the subject aside to start the binge watching process on Netflix, our new routine for when my husband (and her boss) is away on long trips. "also" She added, "I got a call today from Mayo for an appointment coming up that I never made!" We explored this mysterious occurrence and because of her eyes she decided she might as well keep the appointment coming up in a few days anyway. It was just a wellness visit, insurance would cover it and it couldn't hurt to just mention the strange and sudden blurriness she was experiencing. Little did we know this would be the first of many miraculous provisions and occurrences that God had already ordained to take care of his wonderful daughter.
When she asked me to go with her to her appointment yesterday it was just to hear "the results." I remember thinking if her appointment is at 8am and the next at 8:45am I'll certainly be home by 9:30am. I didn't know her doctor had sent her to an optometrist for eye testing, and that he had sent her to get an MRI the night before. Now that I think back I don't know what I was doing there, and I'm not sure Stephanie did either. It was all kind of a blur. We sat in the waiting area talking, full of faith, full of hope that this was nothing. That's the last clear thing I remember hearing her say as I looked at her talking with her dark messy top knot on her head. "I'm sure this is nothing."
The Optometrist walked us to his office and Stephanie took a seat in the patient chair as he sat at his desk facing her. They discussed the progression of her vision problems, the eye testing and what has brought them to this point. He very graciously clicked on the MRI scans on his desk top. "Do you see this spot here?" he asked as he circled the grape size spot on the screen with his mouse. Stephanie nodded her head, "This should not be here." Of all the doctors we'd see that day, although each very kind and warm, he was the most thoughtful with his words. Perhaps even he realized he was out of his field of expertise on this one. "This is a tumor pressing on your optical nerves, its on your pituitary gland. This is why your vision has changed." I didn't want to look at her. This was what we were so sure it wasn't, and yet here we were and there it was on a 26' inch screen in black and white. It's so difficult to find words to express such profound moments, like the look on her face as he spoke. I guess it was the look of grief. Of realizing your plans are about to change, whether you want them too or not. Afterwards she looked at me as if I also had a say in the matter. Her eyes almost searching for the good news we needed to hear instead of this. "It's all going to be okay." I said. "Now we know what it is. We just need to keep going and get this dealt with." She nodded her head speechless as we made our way down another hallway to our next appointment.
Next was the endocrinologist, a retired Army soldier. "Tell me Stephanie what do you understand as of this point." "I can't see, because I have a tumor." This appointment felt a little more heavy. Turns out the pituitary gland is quite a big deal for being so small. This visit had lots of words like, substantial, urgent, risks, neurosurgeon and so many others that for peace sake I wont even bother repeating.One thing huge he did do though, was make a call upstairs to his buddies. He requested more blood work to be done in 10 minutes and said he'd make a call to see about us being seen by a neurosurgeon today if we could wait. We sat in another lobby, Stephanie's arms already bruised up from yesterdays appointments and waiting for her to give more blood. She was in shock. Maybe we both were. We got a call while we waited and we'd be meeting a neurosurgeon at 4pm. We were thankful, and also scared. The weather today was dark and cloudy just like we were as we made the long walk to the parking lot. We picked up Chinese food and my daughter, headed to my house to pass by the next 4 hours.
We actually waited 1hr and 40 minutes before being seen. The surgeon had an emergency and we'd need to wait. Earlier we'd passed a man in the hallway in light blue scrubs. "If he's my surgeon I know I'll be fine." Stephanie says as they take us back.After waiting what felt like forever, in walks our guy, the man in the light blue scrubs. He exuded such peace and gentleness, exactly what we needed at this point. Maybe it was because of that, that Stephanie cried for the first time. He was so kind and safe as he explained the procedure to remove the tumor. "You'll be asleep, and we'll go up through your nose." He showed us that in the tumor was actually 2 small cysts full of fluid. "We need to drain and carefully remove these as quickly as possible. If they were to burst, you could go blind." and I thought in amazement, how many people on this earth could share such difficult news without causing any fear, and he did. "I'm scheduling the surgery for Tuesday."
Stephanie's mind totally checked out at that point. Next came consent forms to proceed with the surgery, pre-operation instructions and a waiver to release "remains", we actually laughed really hard when she read that part, shock is such a strange thing. It was 6:30 pm at this point and I wasn't sure how much more she could take. She couldn't even speak when it was all finished. We walked towards the elevator, feeling like the only ones left in the building, sounds of someone playing a piano somewhere floated through the air. She pressed the down button and leaned into the wall, as heavy as I've ever seen another human being. She looked at me eyes full of tears. "I just need to weep." were the words that fell from her lips. But she didn't, not yet, we kept going. "We just have to keep going." would be the mantra for another 24hrs.
So this brings me to today. Right now. After 6 doctor consults, 2 MRI's, 1 CAT scan, and 6 different veins giving blood she is done with appointments and having her procedure Tuesday May 30th at 7:30am. It'll take a few hours, with an overnight stay and 4 weeks of recovery, but she's as ready as she could possibly be. Thinking over the last 48 hours its quite incredible how difficult the situations have been, and yet so miraculous the peace and grace to endure them and call him faithful over and over again as he so clearly made a way for her at every turn. Before our last appointment today we sat outside the building having lunch discussing how surreal and wild this whole thing seems. "What is the Lord saying to you Stephanie? What has he been saying?" She pulls out her phone and reads the notes she had quickly jotted down last Saturday, before all of this. She reads off to me the encouraging words of a heavenly father who sees it all "I've got you Stephanie. I've totally got you."
Please pray for continued peace over her and her family as they wait, that the tumor is easily removed with no remains and for her recovery time that she would truly find rest and every financial need would be met. Everyone who knows Stephanie knows just how exceptional she is. It was truly an honor from God to be with her during this time, and I now pass that baton over to you to each play your role as the Lord leads. With that being said prayer is the best gift you could give, and she asks that you be very gracious during this time. Allow her to process, make this about what she's going through not you, and please send only encouraging words.
I'll be updating again following her procedure. Until then grace, grace.
Sharon
When she asked me to go with her to her appointment yesterday it was just to hear "the results." I remember thinking if her appointment is at 8am and the next at 8:45am I'll certainly be home by 9:30am. I didn't know her doctor had sent her to an optometrist for eye testing, and that he had sent her to get an MRI the night before. Now that I think back I don't know what I was doing there, and I'm not sure Stephanie did either. It was all kind of a blur. We sat in the waiting area talking, full of faith, full of hope that this was nothing. That's the last clear thing I remember hearing her say as I looked at her talking with her dark messy top knot on her head. "I'm sure this is nothing."
The Optometrist walked us to his office and Stephanie took a seat in the patient chair as he sat at his desk facing her. They discussed the progression of her vision problems, the eye testing and what has brought them to this point. He very graciously clicked on the MRI scans on his desk top. "Do you see this spot here?" he asked as he circled the grape size spot on the screen with his mouse. Stephanie nodded her head, "This should not be here." Of all the doctors we'd see that day, although each very kind and warm, he was the most thoughtful with his words. Perhaps even he realized he was out of his field of expertise on this one. "This is a tumor pressing on your optical nerves, its on your pituitary gland. This is why your vision has changed." I didn't want to look at her. This was what we were so sure it wasn't, and yet here we were and there it was on a 26' inch screen in black and white. It's so difficult to find words to express such profound moments, like the look on her face as he spoke. I guess it was the look of grief. Of realizing your plans are about to change, whether you want them too or not. Afterwards she looked at me as if I also had a say in the matter. Her eyes almost searching for the good news we needed to hear instead of this. "It's all going to be okay." I said. "Now we know what it is. We just need to keep going and get this dealt with." She nodded her head speechless as we made our way down another hallway to our next appointment.
Next was the endocrinologist, a retired Army soldier. "Tell me Stephanie what do you understand as of this point." "I can't see, because I have a tumor." This appointment felt a little more heavy. Turns out the pituitary gland is quite a big deal for being so small. This visit had lots of words like, substantial, urgent, risks, neurosurgeon and so many others that for peace sake I wont even bother repeating.One thing huge he did do though, was make a call upstairs to his buddies. He requested more blood work to be done in 10 minutes and said he'd make a call to see about us being seen by a neurosurgeon today if we could wait. We sat in another lobby, Stephanie's arms already bruised up from yesterdays appointments and waiting for her to give more blood. She was in shock. Maybe we both were. We got a call while we waited and we'd be meeting a neurosurgeon at 4pm. We were thankful, and also scared. The weather today was dark and cloudy just like we were as we made the long walk to the parking lot. We picked up Chinese food and my daughter, headed to my house to pass by the next 4 hours.
We actually waited 1hr and 40 minutes before being seen. The surgeon had an emergency and we'd need to wait. Earlier we'd passed a man in the hallway in light blue scrubs. "If he's my surgeon I know I'll be fine." Stephanie says as they take us back.After waiting what felt like forever, in walks our guy, the man in the light blue scrubs. He exuded such peace and gentleness, exactly what we needed at this point. Maybe it was because of that, that Stephanie cried for the first time. He was so kind and safe as he explained the procedure to remove the tumor. "You'll be asleep, and we'll go up through your nose." He showed us that in the tumor was actually 2 small cysts full of fluid. "We need to drain and carefully remove these as quickly as possible. If they were to burst, you could go blind." and I thought in amazement, how many people on this earth could share such difficult news without causing any fear, and he did. "I'm scheduling the surgery for Tuesday."
Stephanie's mind totally checked out at that point. Next came consent forms to proceed with the surgery, pre-operation instructions and a waiver to release "remains", we actually laughed really hard when she read that part, shock is such a strange thing. It was 6:30 pm at this point and I wasn't sure how much more she could take. She couldn't even speak when it was all finished. We walked towards the elevator, feeling like the only ones left in the building, sounds of someone playing a piano somewhere floated through the air. She pressed the down button and leaned into the wall, as heavy as I've ever seen another human being. She looked at me eyes full of tears. "I just need to weep." were the words that fell from her lips. But she didn't, not yet, we kept going. "We just have to keep going." would be the mantra for another 24hrs.
So this brings me to today. Right now. After 6 doctor consults, 2 MRI's, 1 CAT scan, and 6 different veins giving blood she is done with appointments and having her procedure Tuesday May 30th at 7:30am. It'll take a few hours, with an overnight stay and 4 weeks of recovery, but she's as ready as she could possibly be. Thinking over the last 48 hours its quite incredible how difficult the situations have been, and yet so miraculous the peace and grace to endure them and call him faithful over and over again as he so clearly made a way for her at every turn. Before our last appointment today we sat outside the building having lunch discussing how surreal and wild this whole thing seems. "What is the Lord saying to you Stephanie? What has he been saying?" She pulls out her phone and reads the notes she had quickly jotted down last Saturday, before all of this. She reads off to me the encouraging words of a heavenly father who sees it all "I've got you Stephanie. I've totally got you."
Please pray for continued peace over her and her family as they wait, that the tumor is easily removed with no remains and for her recovery time that she would truly find rest and every financial need would be met. Everyone who knows Stephanie knows just how exceptional she is. It was truly an honor from God to be with her during this time, and I now pass that baton over to you to each play your role as the Lord leads. With that being said prayer is the best gift you could give, and she asks that you be very gracious during this time. Allow her to process, make this about what she's going through not you, and please send only encouraging words.
I'll be updating again following her procedure. Until then grace, grace.
Sharon
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Honesty
I have these overwhelming moments inside me where I think I cant do this anymore. I never say them, I don't show them but its their. I spent 3 days in a fog last week, trying to find a balance between my flesh and the honesty that life can just hurt at times, and my spirit. The spirit of God that gives hope, stirs up fire inside you or tells you when its just time to be still.
I was on the edge of sadness, darkness and self pity tonight and surely the Lord had a watchful eye on me because he responded, as he always does, at just the right moment.
I closed my eyes, tears swelling up inside my soul like a volcano feeling it all. Id gone to Missouri to visit family in March bringing Finley with me. It had been almost 2 years since id taken her with me and now 14 months since my moms stroke. I watched as my mom searched to know us. Waiting for her mind to spark some remembrance of who my daughter and I were, but in 3 days it never did. I looked back inside the window at her as Finley and I played together in the falling snow, wondering if we would be gone from her mind forever, or at least until eternity. I hold back the pain of seeing my mother like this. I do it so my daughter wont be scared. I do it because now isn't the place. I do it to not completely fall apart.
Then I thought of this adoption. Theirs been no movement since December, and my inbox is now full of dozens of new documents to be completed since its time to do another new home study. Its been 1 year already. Waiting. Hoping. I watch all the families I love growing around me and smile, sincerely happy for them and yet feeling alone on my path that looks so different than theirs. I keep myself composed. I am fine I tell myself. Seriously, I'm fine. I have to be.
I wait for Ferrill to pick us up for church. His truck, the one we waited 10 year to buy, we wrecked when we went to North Carolina a few weeks ago. A thousand thoughts happened in a flash as we swerved to miss the car in front of us, and then a power line, on coming traffic, and then a steep ditch that dropped off on the other side of the two lanes. I close my eyes taking a deep breath remembering it all. But we're okay I say out loud. I'm okay. Everything is okay.
I stand there, heavy, full of discomfort. I want to cry. I need to cry. I should cry but I don't. Crying doesn't change my circumstances. Crying is like a hole in an already sinking ship. I'm strong. Full of perseverance and patience. I have to keep it together I tell myself, I have to keep going. In this moment I hear God speak.
I see Jesus leading me through the Red sea. I sense the fear of the unknown all around. I feel like at any moment the walls are going to fall in on me and I see him looking back at me with peace, to see if I'm still following close behind.
Not every Israelite followed me through the Red sea you know. Their were many paths to flee Egypt, but I choose to take them this way.
Sharon, I'm taking you down a very particular path. Not just a path towards victory but a path of the miraculous. Every Israelite received freedom that day, but only those that followed me through the sea experienced the miraculous. They saw with their own eyes signs and wonders. Do not be afraid of what you cannot see, or what you do not understand. Follow me. Cry out to me. When I hear you cry, I am not saddened by you as though you are weak. I hear only that you trust me.
Thank you for your continued prayer and support during this time of waiting.
Id like to clarify that I don't want you to feel sorry for us. That is never my reason for sharing. Our lives are very blessed and in the midst of all this difficulty the day to day is incredibly beautiful. Our family is traveling a lot, were celebrating and getting the opportunity to do some amazing things (that's the stuff I share mostly) but I do value transparency and the truth is underneath a ton of joy and grace in this season is also great difficulty. And its typically in these difficult places that God speaks to my heart most and I find it easier for me to be transparent in my difficulty than in my joy.
Hoping you have an amazing spring
Sharon
I was on the edge of sadness, darkness and self pity tonight and surely the Lord had a watchful eye on me because he responded, as he always does, at just the right moment.
I closed my eyes, tears swelling up inside my soul like a volcano feeling it all. Id gone to Missouri to visit family in March bringing Finley with me. It had been almost 2 years since id taken her with me and now 14 months since my moms stroke. I watched as my mom searched to know us. Waiting for her mind to spark some remembrance of who my daughter and I were, but in 3 days it never did. I looked back inside the window at her as Finley and I played together in the falling snow, wondering if we would be gone from her mind forever, or at least until eternity. I hold back the pain of seeing my mother like this. I do it so my daughter wont be scared. I do it because now isn't the place. I do it to not completely fall apart.
Then I thought of this adoption. Theirs been no movement since December, and my inbox is now full of dozens of new documents to be completed since its time to do another new home study. Its been 1 year already. Waiting. Hoping. I watch all the families I love growing around me and smile, sincerely happy for them and yet feeling alone on my path that looks so different than theirs. I keep myself composed. I am fine I tell myself. Seriously, I'm fine. I have to be.
I wait for Ferrill to pick us up for church. His truck, the one we waited 10 year to buy, we wrecked when we went to North Carolina a few weeks ago. A thousand thoughts happened in a flash as we swerved to miss the car in front of us, and then a power line, on coming traffic, and then a steep ditch that dropped off on the other side of the two lanes. I close my eyes taking a deep breath remembering it all. But we're okay I say out loud. I'm okay. Everything is okay.
I stand there, heavy, full of discomfort. I want to cry. I need to cry. I should cry but I don't. Crying doesn't change my circumstances. Crying is like a hole in an already sinking ship. I'm strong. Full of perseverance and patience. I have to keep it together I tell myself, I have to keep going. In this moment I hear God speak.
I see Jesus leading me through the Red sea. I sense the fear of the unknown all around. I feel like at any moment the walls are going to fall in on me and I see him looking back at me with peace, to see if I'm still following close behind.
Not every Israelite followed me through the Red sea you know. Their were many paths to flee Egypt, but I choose to take them this way.
Do you know what they did as they followed Moses, as he followed me?
They cried.
They cried because they did not know what was happening around them. They looked and they could not understand. They could not see what was going to happen. Even Moses cried.
I thought about this a while. We all know this story and we all know God led them through on dry land and delivered them from the Egyptian's. we all know this story, but I guess I've spent very little time actually thinking about what it must have felt like for them.
Needless to say I cried. I looked at my circumstances around me and I cried at all the things I do not understand. I cried at all the unknown ahead and how difficult and uncomfortable it is. I'm sure ill cry out to him the whole way, until I can look back and see more clearly all the miraculous things that took place. Perhaps right now I cant quit see his perfect leadership, I don't "sense" anything actually. But God, I am walking. I am still choosing to blindly follow you and the only answers I have is that you can be trusted. I will receive the promises you have for me. Help me Lord to cry out to you. Help me to keep walking. Help me to follow.
Exodus 13:17-30
Id like to clarify that I don't want you to feel sorry for us. That is never my reason for sharing. Our lives are very blessed and in the midst of all this difficulty the day to day is incredibly beautiful. Our family is traveling a lot, were celebrating and getting the opportunity to do some amazing things (that's the stuff I share mostly) but I do value transparency and the truth is underneath a ton of joy and grace in this season is also great difficulty. And its typically in these difficult places that God speaks to my heart most and I find it easier for me to be transparent in my difficulty than in my joy.
Hoping you have an amazing spring
Sharon
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
A New Year/A New Story
"You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted:
You encourage them, and you listen to their cry."
Psalms 10:17
Well, you've probably figured out by now that no, their is no new and joyful news to be shared. I ended the year with a weary heavy heart, and eager for something new and fresh to begin.
I had a break down on Friday December 16th. It was already a tense time, as the holidays often are. Things with my mom were emotionally taxing, dear friendships just didn't seem right, and holiday plans weren't made because we were waiting to see what could happen. That, mixed in with about a dozen other things. I was out running an errand when the agent called," It wasn't a match." She said. And by "It" she really meant us. We weren't a match. We weren't the family someone had in mind for their child. Or at least that's how it felt.
I ended the call rather quickly and carried on with my task. Driving back home tears just started falling out of my eyeballs. I say that strangely because I wasn't crying. I felt nothing. Just wetness running down my face as I looked ahead with my hands on the steering wheel.I must have been in shock. I remember the day we got a call to come get our daughter, and when id hung up I just kept loading the dishwasher, almost in slow motion. I couldn't feel, I could only do and keep going, no doubt a trait from my father. This felt similar. Finally through all the tears I decided to pull over. "I'll just let my body have a quick detox, get these tears out and keep going. I'm fine. Everything will be fine." But the moment I pulled the thread all of me unraveled... And I spent the next 2 hours in a parking spot crying, (beating my previous record time), thinking surely this will help me feel better. But it didn't.
Lots of things happened between then and the New Year. Many sweet holiday moments and memories being made, my grandparents 67th wedding anniversary and a long conversation with my dad about my mom and our lives growing up, and how terribly proud of us he was. But in all that it was like I was empty. No new gifts or fat holiday meal could fill me. I felt a new emptiness. A new low. I needed a savior, and yet this was the season for celebrating that one had been born.
New Years Eve finally arrived and I laid motionless in my bed listening to fireworks. "God I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do." And as he faithfully does when all that's inside me sits still, he spoke. "I created you to receive. And you haven't received from me in quit some time." I thought about this for a while. Yes its true the holidays are like this for everyone. Giving of your time, giving of your money, giving of your emotions, its the season to give! But it was more than just that. I immediately remembered when we weren't matched with a baby in Nov. who is actually in this moment as I write you being born. I sat in a hot bath afterwards with my disappointment and I felt God wanting to be with me. In THAT moment he wanted to be with me, but I didn't want him there. I have this bad habit of thinking good, joy, celebration, victory equal God, and disappointment, sadness and grey storm clouds are not. I even remember him saying now that I'm really thinking back that I needed to let him be with me in the joy and in the sorrow... but I didn't. I always think I can do things myself.
So I listened to him counsel me in my bed that night, about Just how impossible it is to be the giver of something you arent receiving. "Receive my love" he would say over and over again. "Abide in me". A good father never tires of telling his children how amazing they are, and I suppose he needs to express it as much as I need to hear it. If you go back to the beginning you can see how we were created by him, for him, and that the thing we search for most our lives is not actually a thing, but a someone. I had such a need for a savior, but forgot one had already come, and here he was.
Nothing in my life is any different. Adoption stuff is in the air, friendships are still pending and my mom is still my mom. But just by listening to him and going along with him everything feels better. The day holds a freshness and I feel more gentle. I feel like I wont be rushed.....yes... that's the one (as I stair out my bedroom window with its moody evening light filtering through the blinds) It feels like He's taking me for a walk by still water, speaking to me and giving me his peace. Why does that sound familiar?
So anyway,I don't know how to end this. I often feel like everything I have to share is so heavy, so sad... but ya know... that is life sometimes, and in seasons that is life often. And that's okay.
Cheers to a New Year everyone!
xoxo
May the Lord bless you, and keep you;
May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
May the Lord turn his face towards you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26
You encourage them, and you listen to their cry."
Psalms 10:17
Well, you've probably figured out by now that no, their is no new and joyful news to be shared. I ended the year with a weary heavy heart, and eager for something new and fresh to begin.
I had a break down on Friday December 16th. It was already a tense time, as the holidays often are. Things with my mom were emotionally taxing, dear friendships just didn't seem right, and holiday plans weren't made because we were waiting to see what could happen. That, mixed in with about a dozen other things. I was out running an errand when the agent called," It wasn't a match." She said. And by "It" she really meant us. We weren't a match. We weren't the family someone had in mind for their child. Or at least that's how it felt.
I ended the call rather quickly and carried on with my task. Driving back home tears just started falling out of my eyeballs. I say that strangely because I wasn't crying. I felt nothing. Just wetness running down my face as I looked ahead with my hands on the steering wheel.I must have been in shock. I remember the day we got a call to come get our daughter, and when id hung up I just kept loading the dishwasher, almost in slow motion. I couldn't feel, I could only do and keep going, no doubt a trait from my father. This felt similar. Finally through all the tears I decided to pull over. "I'll just let my body have a quick detox, get these tears out and keep going. I'm fine. Everything will be fine." But the moment I pulled the thread all of me unraveled... And I spent the next 2 hours in a parking spot crying, (beating my previous record time), thinking surely this will help me feel better. But it didn't.
Lots of things happened between then and the New Year. Many sweet holiday moments and memories being made, my grandparents 67th wedding anniversary and a long conversation with my dad about my mom and our lives growing up, and how terribly proud of us he was. But in all that it was like I was empty. No new gifts or fat holiday meal could fill me. I felt a new emptiness. A new low. I needed a savior, and yet this was the season for celebrating that one had been born.
New Years Eve finally arrived and I laid motionless in my bed listening to fireworks. "God I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do." And as he faithfully does when all that's inside me sits still, he spoke. "I created you to receive. And you haven't received from me in quit some time." I thought about this for a while. Yes its true the holidays are like this for everyone. Giving of your time, giving of your money, giving of your emotions, its the season to give! But it was more than just that. I immediately remembered when we weren't matched with a baby in Nov. who is actually in this moment as I write you being born. I sat in a hot bath afterwards with my disappointment and I felt God wanting to be with me. In THAT moment he wanted to be with me, but I didn't want him there. I have this bad habit of thinking good, joy, celebration, victory equal God, and disappointment, sadness and grey storm clouds are not. I even remember him saying now that I'm really thinking back that I needed to let him be with me in the joy and in the sorrow... but I didn't. I always think I can do things myself.
So I listened to him counsel me in my bed that night, about Just how impossible it is to be the giver of something you arent receiving. "Receive my love" he would say over and over again. "Abide in me". A good father never tires of telling his children how amazing they are, and I suppose he needs to express it as much as I need to hear it. If you go back to the beginning you can see how we were created by him, for him, and that the thing we search for most our lives is not actually a thing, but a someone. I had such a need for a savior, but forgot one had already come, and here he was.
Nothing in my life is any different. Adoption stuff is in the air, friendships are still pending and my mom is still my mom. But just by listening to him and going along with him everything feels better. The day holds a freshness and I feel more gentle. I feel like I wont be rushed.....yes... that's the one (as I stair out my bedroom window with its moody evening light filtering through the blinds) It feels like He's taking me for a walk by still water, speaking to me and giving me his peace. Why does that sound familiar?
So anyway,I don't know how to end this. I often feel like everything I have to share is so heavy, so sad... but ya know... that is life sometimes, and in seasons that is life often. And that's okay.
Cheers to a New Year everyone!
xoxo
May the Lord bless you, and keep you;
May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
May the Lord turn his face towards you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26
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