Quiet Voices

Today I write for myself. For the future and whatever it all may mean. On several occasions the Lord has made a statement to me that at the time made no sense,but would make sense later.That happened again yesterday and this time, it excites me.
For example a year ago this past Fall I was getting into my car in the church parking lot.I was feeling quit wonderful and carefree that day after service so I invited the Lord to tell me anything he wanted! whatever you want to say Lord im right here and im listening. He said,to my surprise "you are living your life under a canopy of fear" (why is it that we often ask God to speak and when he does we dought and tell ourselves it was us,not him) It caught me so by surprise I did just that, and dismissed the random thought.looking back Im sure it was a sting to his heart.As if calling a friend excitedly saying you cant wait to hear how theyve been,only to find yourself also talking to your child or spouse at the same time and needing to get off the line moments later.
Anyway 2 months later I went to a dermatologist and had a suspicious spot I needed to have removed for a biopsy, the biopsy was precancerous and more would need to be removed. It was then that I realized just how full of fear I was.For weeks my mind swirled downward toward worst case scenarios.I could not seem to help it. 15 stitches later and a nice scar to prove it im of course fine, but the issue of why all the fear, needed to be addressed. In the end im now grateful that my fear issues were exposed and thankfully dealt with by the leading of the Holy Spirit and of course the Word.Without that lesson perhaps I would have always been too afraid to say yes to an adoption.I needed to remind myself of his good intentions for my life,that he is for me not against me and most of all that I exchanged my old life for this new one,whatever it may look like.

So yesterday I was walking through the house alone.My favorite music playing,windows open causing a breeze to spill throughout the house.I stood and leaned in the doorway of my soon to be sons room.I take in a deep breath and sensed the danger involved.By this I mean 20% of adoptions fall through and I personally know of 3 friends of mine that have experienced it recently.Ive seen and heard the pain and confusion involved.Ive spent most of my months more aware of the danger of total heart break than I have of whats to be gained.love and motherhood.But not yesterday.I leaned and sensed that present danger but I saw clearly the Lord leading me through this steep and narrow path with its cliffs,rough conditions,and danger.I saw him as my good shepherd leading me through this and I smiled at how this revelation could change everything.
I talk to the Lord often about love.I know he is love and to know it I must know him,his character,his nature.I know love is patient,love is kind....all of that very good but over said stuff.I wanted to know something new about love, and in that quit voice I heard him.That statement that is not understood yet.And when he said it,it was so mysterious and romantic.Surely he had a grin on his face as he said,"sometimes..love is like lightening." my heart swelled up like a balloon at the hope of someday understanding what that could possibly mean.It has been all these tiny quit moments with him that keeps my heart alive.So now I wait to see what he has in store for me next.But I hope it is lightening.